Thursday 30 April 2015.....point of clarification.

I want to make a bit of clarification to the last post. 

I do not hate my ex wife. I hope she has a good life. 

It certainly is not fun to be me. 

I am married to Marcy. She is so amazing I know I could never tell you enough of how amazing she is. I love her dearly and her boys are amazing as well. I could never write enough about how amazing she is. I hope my brothers and sisters could and my mom and her husband. I just wish there were more hours in the day that I could spend with her. 

Thursday 30 April 2015.....happy birthday dad.....that's not what this post is about.

So here I am in Vernal. I really quite like it. If it weren't for two main reasons I might consider moving. 

First, the VA is no comparison. The closest clinic is thirty miles away. And it is only a clinic not a hospital with access to lots of option. I am a little fussy about having access to health care these days. I still have to wait in lines and there are other annoyances. Having access to what I have is great. I'm glad my years in the army gave me such an option. 

The second reason that I don't move is my kids. I can see them more regularly if I stay in Texas. So you could consider me land locked until my daughter graduates from high school.  There is so much more that I can do with them if I live close. I am so blessed that my wife is willing to move herself and her boys. My kids adore her. My one son has ask about her on multiple occasions. My other son surprised both of us by giving her a hug as we met her at the airport. My daughter thinks she is awesome because dance is a big deal for them both. My oldest is kind of hard to read some days but he has said he likes her, which is high praise coming from him. They are all right my wife is amazing. The fact she is willing to move her family so I can stay closer to mine is wonderful. 

That said I think of parts of my life as a car wreck. If everything is going well like we like it to we get where we want to go. No problem. If there is an accident we slow down to see what we can. Maybe we are thinking that we are trying to avoid causing an accident ourselves. Maybe we help by slowing down, but I would say we increase the likelihood of causing another accident. In many ways my life is the ultimate car wreck. If you insist on slowing down to see don't hurt yourself please. There are times when I think my life is comparable to the following song by George Strait. (www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RtJ4hy-GrM )

"I Hate Everything"

He was sitting there beside me throwing doubles down

When he ordered up his third one he looked around

Then he looked at me, said I do believe I'll have one more

He said I hate this bar and I hate to drink

But on second thought tonight I think I hate everything

Then he opened up his bill-fold and threw a 20 down

And the faded photograph fell out and hit the ground

And I picked it up, he said thank you bud, I put it in his hand

He said I probably ought to throw this one away

'Cause she's the reason I feel this way, I hate everything

[Chorus:]

I hate my job, I hate my life and if it weren't for my two kids I'd hate my ex-wife

I know I should move on and try to start again

But I just can't get over her leaving me for him

Then he shook his head and looked down at his ring and said I hate everything

He said one bedroom apartment where I get my mail

Is really not a home, it's more like a jail

With a swimming pool and a parking lot view, man that's just great

I hate summer, winter, fall and spring

Red and yellow, purple, blue and green, I hate everything

[Chorus]

So I pulled out my phone and I called my house

I said babe I'm comin' home, we're gonna work this out

I paid for his drinks and I told him thanks, thanks for everything

Now please don't think I am trying to say that my life is like this song. I have a very good life. My kids are wonderful. I like the apartments I have lived in. I am far from hating everything or anyone. 

The reason I say anything is that my wife's family is having some real difficulty. My sister is with my wife's sister on a fairly regular basis. My sister had no idea that things were going like they are for my wife's sister and brother. I have no intention of using their lives as my social currency. We all have our problems but if we can't help with the difficulty please be quiet. We don't need to get social mileage from someone else's dilemmas. 

I flew in to Utah the other day and as my wife was coming to pick me up I called my cousin so I would hopefully be able to see him for a little while. It was very nice to see him and his wife. We were going to walk to this one restaurant but it was raining so hard we decided to stay were we were.  We were talking and I guess that people are kind of surprised I can do as much as I can. I can get up and shower and dress myself. If I have to I go to the bathroom by myself and I usually go by myself because I don't want anybody to have to help me. I can make my own food if I have to. I go to the store across the street from my apartment. I go to the bank down the road if needed. There are lots of things I can usually do easily. I can tire out really quick so I also have long periods that I don't do anything but rest. I'm not relaxing. It is so difficult for me to do anything I really want to cry. I have times when I am by myself that I give myself that luxury. 

I have been told that I need to be more positive when I write. I am not sure exactly how. In many ways I see my life as kind of a warning to others. Don't have a stroke. If you have any advice I would gladly take it. 

Thursday 23 April 2015....yeah.

So my son's dog went missing. Very uncool. She has been one one of the best dogs that has ever been. 

To make a long story short. She found her way home and I guess she was filthy. But that happens. 

I am very glad she got home. I was going to go out and look for her. It is looking like it would be  rainy and that would be no fun. 

I am getting ready to travel.  Not such a bad thing but I have to pack and that is not fun. 

I get so tired from having to do so much. That can make life very unenjoyable. So take care. 

20 April 2015.....so.

I learned that being with my kids can take a lot out of me. 

Kids are very odd. They can be so amazing and do amazing things. Then the next minute you have do everything for them. 

I love my kids more than anything. They can really tire me out. They can be very loving and caring. They can also be very selfish and rotten. But I so love them. 

It is so nice to be so close to them now. 

Yes, I can be nice do you find that hard to believe. 

Don't worry. I won't start anything. 

I just realized how a few things worked behind my back. Not that there aren't probably lots of things I don't know about but in this occasion I realized at least part of what happened. Well I won't make that mistake again. If you think I'm being overly cryptic you might be right. Isn't it fun. 

Friday 17 April 2015......oh the greatness.

So this has been the craziest day I have had for a while. 

I must thank Heavenly Father for the blessings that he provides every day. 

The person who I thought was going to be staying with me and my kids this weekend misunderstood me and had planed for next weekend.  After I found this out I began to scramble to find someone else. Fortunately I had planed for a backup which I had forgot. I called several people and was going crazy when my backup reminded me that he was on the job. 

The Lord gives us thousands of tender mercies that we are not even aware of. This is one that I am aware of. 

Oh the Greatness of the Lord and his concern for us and the seemingly inconsequential matters of our lives. He takes a keen interest in them and that really does make all the difference. 

Thursday, April 16 2015.....moving.

So I am staying at my new apartment now. Trying to get as much as I can moved over to make life bearable for the time being. Life can really be a pain. 

I have been waiting for 4 months for a pair of sun glasses. I don't know why it is taking so long to get them done. I went to the patient advocates at the VA to get some help. All I know it has been a fiasco. 

I went to the eye doctor so they can check my vision again. I guess having a stroke on the left side of the brain can cause all kinds of problems with the right side of your body.   I guess driving is out of the question for me. My right side of my eyes miss a lot. The further something is to my right the more difficult it is to see. I have learned to compensate by scanning or moving my eyes quickly. During my eye exam I had the difficulty of keeping my eyes still and only using my peripheral vision. On the left side I can see amazing. My right side is not quiet as well.  

I really can't believe how tired I have been lately. But I have been doing more than I have for a while. 

I went to the bank today. Not a bad trip but very interesting. I have decided I need to have a bright shirt. I bought a orange shirt so that if I go again I can be seen easily. 

I had quite a trip to the bank. I may be thinking to much. While I was going to the bank I was looking at things.  I like this area.  Some of the people lack much to be desired. 

Once I said jokingly that I heard Cartman from South Park singing "in the ghetto" every time I drove past a Wal-Mart. I have mellowed since then. As I was on my way to the bank I thought I might get hit by a few different cars. There were also some very nice people that gave me the right of way and they didn't have to. I had this thought go through my head that this is such a ghetto. Not the original German term but the more modern connotation. The thought came to mind that "You can take the person out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the person."  I don't know if you would call that cynical or not, but I would like to think I don't draw as nearly a hard line as I used to. But there are those people that do give this and most every area a bad name. I remember in the area where my mother and her husband are staying there was some graffiti that kept appearing. Most people would say that it is a very nice, more desirable area to stay. They would be right. I am not sure what to think. My personal jury is still out. 

I have come to a conclusion that I need to try to write before I act. I can think more clearly and I don't jump to rash decisions. I thought the days of jumping the gun were behind me.  I guess not. I can make decisions that are less than wise with the best of them. I have always thought of myself as more clever than average. Maybe I am, but probably not. 

Am I the same person that I was before my stroke?  Yeah. But at the same time I am so different I can scare myself. If you want to know more, maybe I will tell you.    

Sunday April 12, 2015.....sorry forgot last week.

About my trip to Colorado, it was fun, really fun.  

It was so fun that I definitely want to do it again.  I think that skiing is something that I will have to do more of. I wish it weren't so expensive. Well I will just have to see if I can find more resources. 

I got to see my wife while I was there. We had an amazing time while we were there but the room we were in wasn't handicap accessible. There were so many people that are worse off than me. 

Everyone needs to have that much fun. It was a blast. 

Sunday April 12 2015....blah.

I really can't believe how tired after this last week  I am. 

Some of the most fun times I have had, have also been the most tiring.  I went to my sons Cub Scout day camp that continued for a week. I had to recover the next week. I think this week has been similar. 

The biggest difference is I have so much to do with moving in to a new apartment I have a lot to keep me busier than I would like to be. The best thing though is I will be closer to my kids. I hope their mom doesn't mind. I think I like the idea of being closer to them. 

I like my new apartment but I am really not a fan of the speed bumps. Sometimes I don't like speed bumps, but they were made for people that walk. Everything can be such a pain not being able to walk well. One of the biggest is the fact that people would think I am stupid. That can really be an annoyance.  Some people don't think that I have a masters degree. Doctors and nurses at times treat you like you are dumb sometimes, and it is really be a pain.  There are lots of people that for whatever reason think that you are incapable of a lot. I don't know what the right answer is but I guess no one will. 

I am very excited right now because I am moving into a new apartment. I used to have some worries about what might happen. Now, not sure. 

There is so much that I want to say and write about but I get so tired and it can be so difficult. Well I have an idea so we will see.