29 December 2018.......everything just keeps going.

27 December 2018

Running type exercise. 

Not now. Trying to do abs

Write every morning. 

Meh

Floss teeth. 

Ok

Volunteer

Yah sure

Budget. 

Getting back on the wagon 

Spend time in nature

 I’ve gone outside when it’s not cold 

Read Book of Mormon daily 

Most days 

No Facebook until after budgeting is done 

 Most of the time 

This week has been crazy with my children here. Getting ready for Christmas. Celebrating Christmas. Recovering after. 

We have had quite a week. LEGO creations. Dolls. Classic video games. Half pound Reeses. 

I am confused and troubled by the logic of many people. I understand that humans are emotional creatures, but the only emotions that most people associate with logic are unpleasant emotions. Why can we not say we will default to compassion instead of revenge. 

Love, logic. Make them work together. It seems so many people want to be compassionate but have nothing to do with logic. Without logic it is impossible to have true compassion. Like if you give man or woman a fish then that one day they won’t be hungry. If someone teaching someone to fish will mean fewer hungry days maybe that would be a better idea. Sure the person might have days when they are hungry. 

I love the social safety nets that have been created. They show a desire to be compassionate. But the safety nets are over used at times. It is confusing what can or should be done at times. 

29 December 2018

My children left yesterday to go back to their mothers house. 

My stepfather went to hospital again and ended up staying the night for observation.

Alergies are kicking my butt. 

This world is becoming to crazy to understand stand. So I’ve decided I just need to rest and go with the flow for a time. I may get swept downstream some. When you are tired there is only so much you can do. 

In a way I’m reminded of some song lyrics. “Be understanding, help the helpless, but always remain ultimately selfish.”  Basically we can’t help anyone if we don’t take care of ourselves. 

23 December 2018.......so awesome

19 December 2018

Allergies have been really bad recently. It takes me a long time to figure out that something is in the air and making me feel horrible. So I don’t know how I can do something different. 

20, 21, 22, 23 December 2018

So I am very excited. I got a new car. I traded my van. The car is 2015 but has never been driven. So awesome. I loved my van it was great. Now I have a car that is more easy to use with my wheelchair. It is so nice for my whole family. I love it. MV-1. 

I have decided that my van was great, wonderful, awesome. But it was a Mercedes. Great vehicle. The problem is they deprecate in value quick. You drive a new vehicle off the lot it deprecated 1/3. I still loved it. The seat warmers are awesome. Still if I ever get a Mercedes it will be a used one. About three years old. 

Now I love my new car. The dealership gave me a huge discount because it was older and the just wanted to get ride of it. Then I went in with a loan pre approved. Then the dealership offered me a better deal. My trade in didn’t give me as much as I was hoping. Still I am happy about what I got overall. 

The Lord has blessed me and I am so grateful for everything I have. I have come to the conclusion that the Lord blesses us the most through our greatest challenges. The blessings might come to us very slowly, maybe not even during our mortal lives. The blessings will come. Of that I have doubts. 

16 December 2018

Running type exercise. 

Not right now. Working on more anaerobic. Trying to make beautiful abs. 

Write every morning. 

Yeah. For the most part. 

Floss teeth. 

Getting better

Volunteer

I hope I am. 

Budget. 

I need to do better

Spend time in nature

I haven’t been feeling well so I don’t go out to much because of that. 

Read Book of Mormon daily 

Getting better it’s best for me in the morning. 

No Facebook until after budgeting is done 

I have been wanting to get better and I think I have found the way. 

I have been watching a lot of documentaries recently. One was about Queen Victoria. Interesting lady. For a woman who had the Victorian age named after her, she was not like what many people wanted or expected. So many things about the time period make us think of strick conformity and adherence to rules. The lady that the documentary portrayed was much more of a loose cannon and a free spirit than was ever known by the public. But I guess she had her public persona and her private one. Still, I love the house style named after her. 

14 December 2018

So, when I wake up lately I’m tired and I don’t want to get up. Sleep apneia, I’ve had that checked and taken care of. This is something different. My legs are shaking like I’m still tired. I don’t understand. Maybe it something new I have to live with. 

I have some plans and I hope they work out. But I am not sure what to think about it all right now. 

So I have a few questions. I have asked before. No one has provided me an answer that can hold any water. 

Why is President Trump so horrible?

Has he banned the press from the White House?

Has he created concentration camps for any class of people?

Are you worse off today than you were when he was sworn in as president?

In the current climate of blaming the president, I should jump in and complain that he is a bad president because I can’t walk. 

All I can say is if people think that the president is going to blow up the world, tomorrow, next week, next month, they give him way more credit for his ability, than I ever would. If the world blows up that will be the end of all your problems anyway. 

He is not the best of men. So? He acts like a normal human in many ways. 

I prefer that to someone that lets you think there shit doesn’t stink. 

He acts like a human. 

Would I prefer a different president? Sure. But he is what we have. 

After the president before him, it seems like people were sick of being told what they should want. 

If you don’t like the president that is fine. There is a lot not to like. But let’s calm down the stupid; he is shutting down the press, he is trying to destroy families, etc., etc.

Please provide some facts with sources and maybe photos. 

It is just crazy. About 3 years ago someone told me they didn’t want to come to Texas because they didn’t want Ebola. Apparently a couple of people died and it was causing a scare other places. I finally had to say,”I will let you know if they start stacking up bodies in the streets.”

Fear mongering is stupid. Facts matter. Let’s finally get some facts. Not opinions disguised as facts. 

13 December 2018.... October, November, December 2017

One thing I have noticed as I have been proof reading is that I consistently say I’m tired. If I say I’m tired I become more tired. So just assume I’m tired and you will probably be right. 

 1 October              

My children have been with me this weekend. It has been nuts. We have to get lots of things. Life is expensive. 

In some ways I want to put life on hold until I'm ready to rejoin. I'm tired. 

I've tried putting life on hold. It doesn't work. 

3 October 

Yesterday was a busy day. Went to sports store for baseball pants. Came home. 

Went to the VA. Came home. 

Went to my sons baseball game. Came home. 

All I do is sit down all the time and I'm exhausted. 

9 October 

I am tired this morning. Not the typical stroke tired. More honest to goodness tired. 

I am not sure what to think about lots of different things right now. I want to bawl about everything. 

I’m not sure how to be a good dad sometimes. Everything I try to do seems to blow up in my face. I am tired of trying to make things work. 

12 October 

I have been tired beyond reason this week. 

15 October 

Happy birthday bro. 

I cannot believe I have been lately. 

17 October 

I can hardly stand my life right now. 

I am so tired all the time. More than usual. I want to just fight through it. I don’t even have that much strength. I am so tired because of so many things. 

I came to realization the other day. Like many people I think life is a test. Tests are supposed to be challenging and not easy for us. 

Some things are hard, very hard. That doesn’t mean we need to go looking for hard things. When hard things find us, then we really to step up our game. 

We are so much more than we give ourselves credit for. 

We really are capable of so much, but so many of us think that almost everything needs to go our way. We should work and try. At the same time we need to be prepared to let go. There is really only so much we can do. We all have our limits. 

Are we pushing our limits. Expanding our capabilities? 

At the same time, how much is to much?

Sometimes I wish I had an answer. 

18 October 

So I have lots of strength in the morning. By noon almost none. Very frustrating. I think I know why. I’m not sure there is anything I can do. Still that is how life works. 

Yesterday, l went to breakfast with my son after seminary. 

23 October 

I am so sick of being tired. I know I should be used to being tired. I’m not used to it. If it was something consistent then I might be more patient  about it. It ebbs and flows in such an inconsistent manner. Its probably the one thing I will truly hate for the rest of my life since the stroke. 

So this weekend my children were with me. They have so much energy that ...wow

24 October 

Yesterday was busy in some ways. A lot of hurry up and wait. But my chair is adjusted properly and my fingernails are done. 

26 October 

Yesterday I went to the gym. Feeling somewhat stronger. I wish I could get less tired. That will most likely never happen. Tired and more tired seem to be the only States I will ever know again. 

I wanted to do things yesterday. I was so tired after getting home from the gym. I just sat there for the rest of the day.

16 November 

I have been so tired and congested for so long and am more confused about why than I have ever been. I have just lain around not knowing would be the best decision. 

My son had his last baseball game of the season last night. I was tired. I’m sure glad it’s not cold where I live. 

19 November 

House/Apartment 

Food 

Two cars

Four wonderful hardworking children 

Time to go to church 

Clothes 

Bed to sleep in. 

Shower

Wheelchair 

Beautiful day. 

20 November 

Children here for thanksgiving week 

Medicine that helps me tolerate life better, in many ways

My grandma, who just died, and was an amazing inspirational person in many ways. 

My children,that are so hard working and help me so much

Pie, cookies, and other treats we can make

Towels, always have you a towel with you. 

Bed to sleep in. 

Gospel 

Not living where it is really cold. 

Electric toothbrush 

We went to church yesterday. We felt fine when we went. When we came home we felt like crap. We wanted to sleep for the rest of the day. We ate tons of spaghetti watched TV. We had lots of ideas. When you feel crumby, you don’t want to do anything. 

23 November 

Happy thanksgiving 

Food. 

Warm apartment 

Lemon tree with fruit. 

Son that loves to cook. 

Food storage 

Pie

Computer 

Shoes

Hot chocolate 

Washing machine 

28 November 

Cars and people who can drive 

Modern buildings with heating and air conditioning 

Warm clothes 

A bed(not mine) to sleep in

The fact that most nights I can turn over our onto my side, this last night was not one of them

The fact that people want to help me

The fact I have nothing planned for today

Looking out the window where I am and seeing the lights go on for miles

The fact that I am not “warehoused” in a hospital somewhere 

Lights, that help us see in darkness(you can take that many different ways)

Yesterday was different. 

I bought some Christmas gifts. For the most part I watched TV. I wanted to do more. I was so tired and that made anything I wanted to actively do hard. 

I had Jason, the guy that helps me, set up my Christmas tree. I will have my children help me decorate it later. 

I am so grateful I can do so much. 

That said. I just called VA transportation. Apparently I was not scheduled for a pickup. I may have to wait 5 hours to have to be picked up so I can be taken back home. I would ask if I can be mad now, but I could spit nails. 

At least I always have a place to sit down. 

3 December 

Fun easy Christmas tree set up. 

The fact I can get up and by myself makes it better 

Morning. 

Children that work so hard and help so much. 

My brother and his wife had twins this morning. 

A new compression sock 

Lemon tree with lemons almost there. 

Tithes and offerings. 

Standard time with light mornings. 

It has been a busy weekend. We wanted to do more but we were so tired. The morning isn’t bad standard time is light. 

4 December 

Warm bed. 

A/C in December?

Water

Lotion 

Indoor plumbing 

Shoes. 

A new compression sock 

Grapes

Red lens sunglasses 

Jellybeans

Yesterday was crazy. Going to church in the morning. Tithing settlement. Dinner of taco soup. Going to a friends baptism. It was hard for me to believe how tired I was by one o’clock yesterday. Then at the end of the day I fell asleep in my chair. Never my idea of a good time. It was hard to get to bed after falling Asleep. What else is new

12 December 2018......uh

9 December 2018

So, I really fell off the wagon and got run over. I need to do a weekly evacuation of my goals. I have been trying to do to much and that made it so I didn’t get anything done. So now 

Running type exercise. 

Not really something I have been trying right now. I have been focusing on anaerobic exercise and standing 

Write every morning. 

Not been doing the best. I need to stay off Facebook in the morning 

Floss teeth. 

Not been doing good at all

Volunteer.

I have been doing it in my own way. Being in a wheelchair let’s me get in the way really well. 

Budget. 

I need to do this better everyday. At least a three month rolling budget, a general idea for a year and two years. That will help. 

Spend time in nature. 

I just need to get out of my house everyday it’s not raining. Maybe that will be part of my going to get my mail. 

Read Book of Mormon everyday. 

Doing pretty good

12 December 2018

So I have been having all kinds of ideas running through my head. I am almost lost by the amount of stuff going on in my head. I’m tired of thinking all the time. I can’t stand watching TV, but I haven’t got the strength to do anything else. I will go and do some things I need to do today, but I will come home and be exhausted. 

Ugh. 

5 December 2018......part next

So I have been thinking some more, I must be sick. 

Kindness has been changed into an idea of passive, weak people. Kindness is not weak. It should be thought of more like meekness. Nothing weak in it in anyway. 

In order to understand we must think in terms of doctors and surgeons. Surgeons have great power and influence over people. If I needed a surgery, I am letting a person damage my body in a very skillful way. I would be insane to allow anyone to preform surgery on me. The surgeons have training that will allow them to hurt someone just enough and at the same time allow them to help massively. 

Unfortunately, the things we most need are things that will hurt us at times. But we will receive great benefits in the long run. 

Kindness, compassion, meekness are things that should be wielded like a scalpel. 

5 December 2018.........I’m gonna stop, I’m gonna stop. Nope won’t happen.

5 December 2017

I have been thinking again, something I really need to stop.  Anyway, I hate the idea of the political parties system. It is stupid. 

I like the idea of being able to think for yourself. 

I received a text before Election Day, that was encouraging a “blue wave”. I could have just ignored it. I replied and said I never vote straight party. I vote for the person. If there is only one person running for a position I skip it on the ballot. 

I take elections serious and I wish others would as well. But as long as the party system exists it’s to easy to make fun of lots of stuff either way. There will always be plenty to ridicule in politics, it’s to easy to make fun of its politics. 

So, I recommend being a free thinker. If it’s republican it’s crap.💩  If it’s Democrat it’s crap 💩.  Whatever political parties are out there is crap 💩. One party claims to be fiscally conservative, bull. One party claims to care about the less fortunate. Bull. 

We claim to be worried about a 1984 or Atlas Shrugged future. WTH. We are living in more of a Hunger Games -esque type of world. Not exactly. We in the US are area 1. The rest of the world is the other districts. 

I think DOUGLAS ADAMS had the right idea when he wrote the reason for elected officials is not to weld power, but distract from the use of power. 

Don’t get me wrong but the higher the political office, the less impact they are most likely to have on your life. School boards, more. City councilman, more. Sheriff, more. Parent,not a political office but Most of all. Especially whoever takes care of the children. Usually mother. That is the greatest power. 

So, is what the president doing, going to effect you more today or is not listening to your mother or grandmother?

The very worst the president can do is blowup the earth. That is the end of all your earthly concerns. If you don’t listen to mom or grandma, you may not live past the end of the day, or you may suffer earthly wows for who knows how long. 

2 December 2018......December bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. (Sung to last part of joy to the world.)

2 December 2018

One thing I truly hate is someone not telling me that they are not supposed to help me in some way. It can happen at times. Certain agencies put limits on what the people that work for them are allowed and not allowed to do. I don’t always agree with the idea, but I understand it. That said when the persons won’t tell you what they can’t do, and then go running to their supervisor because I ask them to do something there not supposed to do, I’m not ok with that. 

Tell me what you can do and can’t do. What you are and are not supposed to do. I am a big boy. I can take it. 

I am not going to lie, I like to control certain things as much as I can. But 5.5 years ago I had a stroke. Maybe you heard? I was unable to do anything by myself for a long time. I would crap my pants and they would have to change my diaper. Not my idea of a good time. Point, I was totally dependent and at the mercy of others. I hated some of the things that happened to me. I only left that phase of my life with a low opinion of two nurses from that time. Most of the nurses, and other people were very nice and tried to show that, after I had to experience something unpleasant. Then they did something very nice. Point again. I hated when I had no control over my situations, which was most of the time. 

I knew the right answer when people where talking, I could not talk in a way anyone could understand. 

I knew how something was supposed to be assembled. I had no control over my body, and still don’t in the way I would like. 

I have to be the idea man. I’m ok with that. I can have lots of ideas. Good. Crazy. Good and crazy. Brilliant. I am smarter than the average bear or human.

My children found a show about UFOs. They really like it. I had to tell them a UFO doesn’t mean it’s extraterrestrial, it’s just unidentifiable. Still the extraterrestrial idea is really fun at times. 

25 November 2018.........so

25 November 2018

I am overwhelmed by the support people have shown me recently. It is very humbling. I have not felt the best recently so that has increased me feeling like an emotional basket case recently. 

I have two things that make me feel like I should not need the support I receive at times. One, I was in the Army. They teach teamwork to get the mission done, but each individual is fiercely independent. Second, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, while we in the church teach helping others, we also teach self reliance. So in two ways, I am not sure how to respond to help at times. Because I’m in a wheelchair everyone I see wants to help me in some way. I very much appreciate the help I receive for so many things. At the same time I hardly ever want to ask, even it is for something I know I can’t do by myself. 

I have had a pretty good week overall. One of the best things I and my parents discovered that you can buy a turkey dinner at Denny’s. That helped us a lot. My mom picked everything up at the store and brought it back. I ate to much potatoes and gravy and stuffing. But it was sure good. 

What a week has happened. I glad life moves on. 

23 November 2018

As many people my know, I had an experience that I never want to repeat. This man I used to know, Adam Hart, decided to say some truly horrible things about me. Personally, I’m fine physically. But the attack was so brutal and one sided, I am in a bit of shock still. 

Lots of people have come to my defense, and for that I thank you. 

I will say this he is a restaurant manager, and I think the owners of the restaurant need to know what kind of man they have working for them. 

I’m done

15 November 2018......NO

15 November 2018

So I had to to the most difficult and disgusting things by myself this morning. I has to provide a stool sample for the lab at the hospital. Not my idea of a good time. 

I was able to use most of the items that they provided me fine. Still I will take a shower and make sure I am clean. In some ways it would not be the worst if I could move faster. Unfortunately I am stuck in the slowest gear. No one smells good when they have just taken a crap. Then I have to put some in a small jar to send to the lab. Ugh. 

So I am not sure what to think about lots of things. But I have decided that I like Milo Yiannopoulos. Some things I vehemently disagree with. Other things he says make a lot of sense.