18 October 2019

Today is the first morning I have felt good I quite a few days. I have not wanted to do much. 

I decided to cancel my Netflix subscription. There is hardly anything good on. I’ve decided that I will just use my amazon prime account. I did breakdown and get a CBS allacess because I want to watch Star Trek. That’s how I roll. 

I was looking at Facebook.  I guess some people have unfriended me. I don’t care to much. I do care a little. Still that’s how life goes. Still I wonder what I must have posted that made them think I am such a “dangerous” individual. I don’t post some things that everyone would agree with. I don’t care if you disagree with me. That is part of what makes life beautiful is not agreeing with each other. 

At times I can be down right crude. Life isn’t always pretty, but it can have meaning in the darnedest places. 

Life is messy, it’s unfair at times. It’s well set and beautiful at other times. 

I have come to realize I have to not worry about doing as much as I want. I have to go very slow if I want to get anything done. I hope I get the right balance. 

I am not the biggest fan of the VA at the moment. I have been trying to contact certain people for months and keep being directed away. Maybe ignored. Very frustrating. 

Just so you know, I’m putting the house idea on hold for a few months. 

7 October 2019.......so, still not dead yet.

29 September 2019

So one of my favorite bands The Cure was induced into the Rock and Roll hall of fame yesterday. Personally I think that gives the institution some credibility. Some bands makes sense that they have been included. Others, I think what a joke. 

I can’t believe it has been so hard to get up recently. I don’t want to sleep anymore, but my body is to tired to move. Plus after I get up my body is sore all over. I don’t get it. 

So I have decided I want to buy a house. I love living in my apartment but I am ready to move on. Maybe I will want to move back to an apartment after I leave. But it is going to be a rough road. 

Monday I will go to the bank and see if they can help me. 

I have other ideas as well but we will have to see. 

5 October 2019

I am tired of hearing about politics. I look at the various networks and have decided that it is all cheap entertainment. Regardless of what channel you watch, it’s just entertainment. Now some state and cities sometimes  Democrats and Republicans have little differences. National and Federal government is a joke. Some cities and states are as crazy as the day is long. Still a majority of states seem fairly rational. Still there are exceptions. 

I am tired of so much. My body hurts all the time. 

My children and me watched the Addams Family movies. They loved them. 

7 October 2017

I am so tired and weak today. At least I have a doctor appointment. I could barely raise my hand enough to wipe my butt earlier. Something is not right. I’m worried I will go to the doctor and they will say “Oh, you had a stroke.”  No kidding. I have been weak all the time. It has gotten to the point that I don’t want to do a damn thing. I went to the bank the other day but I was so tired then I arrived back home I didn’t want to do a thing. 

The thought of going anywhere sends me into tears. My son was helping me sort my medication and put it in my pill box. I looked like I wanted to bawl and I felt even worse. 

The only place I feel somewhat better and some sort of relief is in the shower. The thing is it is so hard for me to get in the shower.  Everything is like that for me recently. Food prep and eating. Boxes of stuff I want to go through. 

I went to a psychologist last week. I think he was bothered that I was not more of a basket case. My thinking is great in many ways. What I am realizing right now as I am writing is that my body is having a very hard time doing anything that I feel I need to do. Some things don’t need to be done by my but some do. I truly have no desire to go back to someone wiping my butt or worse changing my diaper. 

I am not sure what kind of help to ask for. I need something. Help that is. I just don’t know what kind. One of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help of any kind. Well, I am doing so now. If you want to message me great. If you can let me use your muscle so I can move or get rid of somethings, wonderful. Help please.