28 January 2020....oh hell im tired

I just want to show everyone I’m still alive. Yesterday was rough. Lots of running around. 

So my children say I should keep the beard. It’s not bad. Honestly I think they want me to have a beard because none of them can grow on. 

15 January 2020....(raspberry)

So there are so many things that are going on in my brain and I just don’t know where to start and I am feeling so lost in so many ways. 

One of the things I hate, and I have thought this way since I had the stroke. I want to do more than I am physically capable of doing. Example.  After the stroke happened I thought I could go someplace, like church.  I thought that I would be able to walk and lean against a wall on occasion for support. I am so far away from walking the idea is laughable. 

I want to do lots of different things. Wood working. Metal working. Decorating. Standing and hanging a picture frame. Standing up and adjusting the shower head. I am so far from what some people consider capable that I don’t know what to do with myself at times. I hate asking for help, but I know how badly I need help at times. 

I know many people consider me oxymoronic. I believe one thing but I act in a totally different way. I don’t expect people to like or agree with how I believe. 

Life is supposed to have wonderful moments. It is also supposed to have moments that are less than wonderful. I feel like I am out of balance. I don’t understand what needs done one way or the other. I’m not sure if everything is going well or not so well. 

I want to get so many things on my list done that I can hardly believe I can’t do them. I get so tired after I do something that I want to bawl most of the time. Just the other day I had to go to the bank. While I was out I had my fingernails done and got my hair cut. I was so exhausted when I got home I wanted to bawl. Just being outside and going was to much for me. And it was a gorgeous sunny day. Not to hot. Not to cold. Still exhausting. 

I am so tired of how life seems to dog pile on top of you at times. I want to do nothing. But I already know I get very bored doing nothing. Watching TV gets very old. But I don’t have the strength to do anything else most of the time. 

So basically, my life sucks. We already knew that. 

Now, something different. 

I have a degree in theater and media arts. Basically theater and film. I also had my teaching  certificate. Theater teacher, the only job where you work all day so you can work all night. Some people really like teaching. I was pretty good. Teaching I like. Education business and the way school districts work I am not a fan. Maybe that is just Texas. I worked some in Utah. I have a low opinion of most of the education system in general. 

Theater and film. I love the product that can come out in the end. My opinion, to much down time if you are helping to make it, and when you do need to work, it’s like they need you to move like your hair is on fire. I guess I should applaud those that can do it. Some jobs are more regular. But not many. Nowadays I get so tired that most things would be impossible for me. 

If you really want to do education or theater be my guest. Still I think there are less painful ways to earn money. Like the military. 

So that’s my soapbox. 

My opinion again, there are to many films in general. I could never see all the “blockbusters” there are. Honestly, I didn’t care about the last Star Wars movie. It was like episode 8 and 9 were both competing to see which would be the better finale. One maybe two blockbusters a year is all we really need. Otherwise most people don’t care. I used to care. I don’t anymore. 

I think films should be a lot more character driven. Less spectacle. More focus on the characters and less on the situations the characters find them in. 

Theater, almost wants to be film. That makes me care about it less than I think I should. More imagination should be required of the audience. It has the ability to really make a person think and use there imagination. Very important now days. 

That’s my rambling for now.