29 September 2020......thousand words

22 September 2020......why do I care?

So what is kindness?

 Is kindness doing everything for someone? Is kindness giving someone a fish, or teaching that same person how to fish?

Is kindness cutting a person open? Does that make you a psychopath or a surgeon?

Is wearing a mask make you a bandit or someone that doesn’t want to get others ill?

What is kindness? Who ultimately gets to decide?

What is someone physically capable of?  Who gets to decide?

So I have decided that I don’t want to post anything about federal or state politics. To devicive. Less important anyway. The city and the schoolboard have more effects and importance on my life overall. I have school age children. I still have to go out to get my fingernails done. So in order of importance school board, city, county, (here city and county are almost the same) state, then federal. I can’t write federal of entirely, I still rely on the VA for a lot. 

So, what is my logic. The federal government has, or should have, very little influence over my day to day life. I should focus most of my efforts on the schools my children attend, the stoplights near where I live, etc. Things that may have more effect on my day to day life. Granted, the national scene is “sexier”. Still important. It can influence my, or anyone else’s, life. Still it doesn’t deserve nearly as much attention as it gets. 

I am bummed out and annoyed. My travel wheelchair has some kind of problem with the CPU. So basically it is a dead weight until I can take it to the wheelchair repair shop. I want to do some traveling fairly soon. Maybe that will have to wait until I can get the wheelchair fixed. 

The worst thing is having dreams and aspersions and not having the physical capability to do anything about it. My children and I went shopping. (Shopping does not mean buying.) anyway, I found a marble track that you can setup different ways and I wanted to get it. The problem is my hands are not capable of the dexterity and strength needed to build or take apart the pieces. I have a similar situation with LEGOs. That is my never ending dilemma. There are things I want to do. I don’t have the capability to do most things alone. I can go to the store and look. I am limited to what I can carry in one hand if I buy anything. Mostly I just look.

I want to do so many things that are beyond my physical capacity. 

The fact that I can’t do some things is very depressing at times. It is not the end of the world, but at times it feels like it. 

Alma 29:3

15 September 2020.....life is slow lately

I have been thinking about how I do things. I need to do something’s in a different order than I have been. Writing I need to try in the morning. Then reading scriptures later. 

I have so much that I feel like I need to do. I get so tired so easily these days. What do I need to cut out of my life? What do I for sure need to do?

So the idea that I have and keeps coming back to me is; what can I do individually. Individuals make up systems. We can only address systems if we are willing to address individuals. 

One thing that I have thought for awhile is a quote, that I am understanding for myself after years. “It is better to better to work for the salvation of one soul, than work tirelessly for the salvation of the masses.”

What can I do as an individual?

Don’t worry about what others may need to do because you have no control over it. 

So looking at most people, can they make their bed? 

Sure. 

Even me if I have people help me set it up the right way. I’m a big believer in having a made bed. In fact before my stroke, if I hadn’t made my bed in the morning, before I would go to bed at night, I would make my bed. It’s different in many was since my stroke. I still prefer a made bed, but it is not nearly as easy for me. Still I can do something. 

So I have noticed some change over the last 7 years. 

Some people said I acted younger than my age. They might have been right. Still doesn’t change the fact that I’m a 40+ year old man and they have treated me like a child at times. 

One thing I thought was stupid was some people felt they had to “tell on” me. Once, I was mad enough to chew nails. Madder than hell at my mother, it has happened at times. (I still love her.) I sent her an email. She felt she needed to share what I sent to her with someone else close to me at the time. The thing was I had already shared the information with the person. Honestly I don't understand how or why some people want to be so controlling. 

I have had a brain  injury. It effects lots of different aspects of a person. Physically, I can’t walk. My talking is not what anyone would call normal. Movement in general is a challenge, especially when I am not in my wheelchair. 

My emotions are a mess some days. If I need to cry, at times I can’t. That’s partly physical but becomes emotional. The thing is if you cry most people assume you are sad. You can cry when you are happy. One day I was very happy and crying. Everyone assumed I was sad. Very frustrating. 

Another thing is if I get mad hardly anything with my physical body works properly. I have had more times than I can count that I get mad about something and my ability to move is just stopped. I’m ham fisted at the best of times. If I let myself get mad about everything around me I would not be able to function. My fingers and hands become fists, I can’t straighten my arms, one leg goes straight and the other bends. I became a physical mess. If I let my emotions get out of control.  So I can function physically, I have to keep my emotions in check. 

Emotions are different depending on our age as well. 

In seven and a half years I have gone from being a child, maybe teenager emotionally to being more of the 46 year old man that I am. I think that I am starting to act 50, 60, 70, 80, and 90. 

Intelligence, that’s something I’ve never worried about. It has always been hard for me to communicate effectively but that’s a different story. Sure there are lots of things I don’t know. 

I’m not a doctor or a lawyer. Still I’ve had doctors and lawyers compliment me about how I think about things. 

I’m not a mathematician or a physicist. 

I’m not a business person or an economist. 

I have my masters degree. At times I feel I got duped into getting. 

So,

Emotionally, I’m a mess. 

Physically, I’m a train wreck. 

Mentally and intellectually, I can do pretty good. And by pretty good I mean I could leave most people crying under the table. 

Overall, so. 

I have come to a deeper understanding of this quote. 

“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.”

President Ezra Taft Benson

The Lord works with the individual. 

It’s a very slow process at times. 

For example. How long ago did the Lord give the proper name for his church?1838. 

When did the prophet of the Lord begin to ask us to us the proper name? 2018. 

The Lord allowed the bastardization of the churches name for nearly 200 years. 

The Lord moves, what I would call, painfully slow at times. Still the only way that something will last at times if it is slow. 

I like things fast at times. The Lord moves much slower. Sometimes I hate how slow things seem to go at times. 

So I don’t want to write about politics but I have to say something about this. 

This lady I know shared a video. I shared it myself. 

Basically the video was saying don’t vote for Trump. It didn’t say vote for someone else and that is the problem. 

There are four candidates. 

President Trump is obviously one of the four choices. Not the best person in many ways. Still he tries to be very clear about that he wants to do. 

Most people know who the challengers are. What I find hilarious is that the video said don’t vote for the President, but it didn’t say who someone should vote for. 

The President is not the best example I would say of a human being should be. He is a good business man. I would say he loves his country. I hate some things he does. Still he loves his country and he’s working for free, basically.