Want to see a picture of me first thing in the morning?
Scary huh.
I am so disgusted at some of the choices I have allowed myself to make since my mission, when I was 21 years old. Not that I have done anything that is “wrong”, but I have not allowed myself to be guided in a way that would have been best.
The Lord told me time and time again, what would work the best. I did my own thing time and time again. Ultimately everything was my choice. Why I choose the way I did I will probably never understand. Sometimes I was told to do something. I choose to do something else.
I am not happy about some of the choices I have made.
I listened and tried to do as the Lord directed before my mission. In some cases I thought I new better after my mission and that was probably the time I needed Him most.
I talked with a friend that I was close to from that time. I ask why he or someone else didn’t forcefully just tell me what I needed to hear. He mentioned that I probably would not have listened. He’s most likely right. The fact is I still probably needed some kind of wake up call.
I finally got my wake up call, so to speak. I’ve had a stroke and me trying to do my own thing is not as easy as it used to be. In fact it can be a bad joke at times. My ability to do lots of things I want to do, is extremely limited. I am forced to focus on what I want to do the most. “Full purpose of heart” must be part of my life.
If I am working on anything am I focused on what I intended to be doing. If I am getting ready to go somewhere, am I focusing on getting ready or going somewhere else. For example, if I am getting ready for church, is getting ready my focus or something else.
I’m not the biggest fan of double tasking. Basically I see it as asking someone to provide lower quality work. That doesn’t mean life doesn’t throw multiple things at us at times so we have to do our best.
I decided to watch some TV news. Bad idea. I think I could feel myself loose IQ points. I’d say, it doesn’t matter what you watch; FOX, CNN, MSNBC, etc.,etc., a person becomes less intelligent the more they watch.
So I don’t know when or how or why exactly it happened but dying is not something I want to have happen. I still don’t care if it does happen. I was just rereading what I wrote before and it doesn’t make sense to me. So I changed it. I hate the fact that I had a stroke. It is not fun in many ways. I would not wish it on anyone. Still I don’t want to die.
Now I should clarify. I have never been suicidal. I just do not care if I die. Dying is just the ultimate price for living on this earth. Now I’m having a pretty good time living and being human. Sure there are lots of things that aren’t ideal, whatever ideal is. But life is pretty good.
I feel like I have had a second aging process. I have always been my physical age. My emotional age has gone from a child of about 5-10 to my 46 year old self since the stroke happened. In a way some of my systems had to reboot after the stroke. Now I’m version 2.0. The reboot process was, and is, slow. Maybe it is still going on in some ways. Over the last year and a little bit I have noticed differences. Some things I remember, but I have to concentrate on some of them more than I have had to the past.
