2 March
I am feeling kind of beat down. In some ways I can't believe how physically stiff I am. When I went to the gym yesterday, I could hardly believe how my body had so much tension.
I want the whole world to think that I don't have a care in the world. Still, I get stressed at times. I say it like this. I'll tell you where to go, when to go, and buy your ticket for you. I don't do that nearly as much as I used to. In fact I try not to, but I wouldn't put it past me.
4 March
I hope I am just tired because I went out with my children last night. Being tired is just part of my life, but even I am beginning to wonder. I am really tired of how this works for me.
I went to dinner with family last night. I was so happy my son tried something new and loved it. Fajitas. It is so difficult to break them out of the idea that they can only eat chicken nuggets. I wish I understood better. I don't.
We were driving and my oldest son was commenting on all the different cars. He even commented on some and said he liked them that he didn't like before.
I hate the fact that I need help with so many things that seem so simple. This paper I need is in a box in my bedroom. I can't get to in because there are some pictures or the floor. I can't move them myself, so I have to wait until other people to wake up and can help me move things and get closer.
If you want to know, it is 6:45 on a Saturday morning. I don't always get up so early. Just most of the time.
6 March
It can be so tiring with my children. They are so energetic. But at the same time they are so fun. My daughter wanted to show me how she could dribble the basketball. For a 7-year-old she is becoming very good.
All of my children are so different, but they all want to do so much. There is such an age range, 14-7, it is hard to have things work out sometimes.
My 12-year-old is becoming quite a good cook. He got a cookbook for Christmas and he has made some things from it. Very yummy stuff.
My oldest is becoming a master of Lego's. He built stuff yesterday without any plans. Not huge but very detailed. I'm not sure he realizes how good he is becoming.
My other son. He can be so hard to describe. You might think he is only interested in his tablet. But if you take the tablet away he is the most funny, most clever, will catch you if you say something wrong. He is so smart. I always remember his teacher wanted to test him when he was in first grade. They did. When they got to 7th grade level, he just walked away. Still, he is a child. Definitely not a potato.
21 March
I have felt so broken and tired. I haven't been able to sleep. May body has been weaker than usual. I don't get it. I talk to doctors and nothing they can not find anything. Maybe I had a stroke and no one told me. I hate it when that happens.
I have been sitting in front of the mirror in my bathroom. I have been so tired. I even took a nap the other day. I think naps are a very good idea for everyone but me. After I wake up from a nap it is so difficult for me to move. That is one of the main reasons I park my chair in the bathroom and fall asleep there.
In someways people might say I am the king of double standards. In some ways that's true. The simple expansion is "I had a stroke". I know some my see that as an excuse. We all have excuses for things. We all have butt holes to and they all stink. If yours smells like roses, I will write you a public apology if you like.
Back to the point. I really try to have reasons, not excuses, for everything in my life. I hate double standards. In everyday life I want to be held to the same standards as everyone else. Then when it happens sometimes I hate it. For example, I hate waiting in lines. Some places allow me to go to the front because I'm in a wheelchair. Other places don't allow me to go to the front of a line. Some people think I need special treatment because I am in a wheelchair. In someways I do. Generally, getting something that is high, not wiping my butt.
I am so different I confuse myself and everyone else.
I hate it when some people want to do everything for me. There are things I can do and things I can't do. Some things I can do but are so hard for me that I ask for, or let others help. If you have known me at some point in time that is. My cultural backgrounds are very self reliant. In fact, to ask for help can be seen as weakness. I have had to, and am still getting over that mentality. No matter how much wishful thinking we may have, at times we can't do something. No matter how hard we try. And if we persist in trying we might make things worse.
22 March
Yesterday was different. I felt great in the morning but got a lot more tired as the day went along. I still felt better than I have. My energy was gone fast, and for a while, in the afternoon was nonexistent.
Maybe it is because I talk. When I talk more I get really tired. I have no idea what to expect right now. And how I my feel.
I do some simple exercise while I watch TV right now. It feels like it is working. Maybe some day I will be Adonis in a wheelchair.
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