Thursday 21 May 2015.......lets eat.

I have been thinking. Yes I know that can be a very dangerous pastime. But I have been thinking that in order to make life more fun I would try to make some homemade energy bars. The reason is I don't like to take pills and I do like to eat. If I can find ingredients that have what I need in them all the better. I know that would be impossible though. I was looking for this one thing and there are things you can get it from naturally. The problem is you would have to eat 19,000 almonds every day. I like almonds but that many would be ludicrous. My wife was kind enough to point that out. And almonds are the highest naturally occurring source. So I think power/energy bars are the way to go. I have been doing my research and trying to find some recipes. Very big job, thank goodness for the Internet.  It gives me some other ideas. 

I have been trying to get some different things for cub scouts going. That can be as big a job as could ever be some days. From my boys to being responsible for the committee in charge of overseeing everyone it can really keep me busy. The worst is when I get so tired I can't do anything and I just have to sit there and everything that I need to do still needs to be done. Some people might say just do it. I used to think that way. It can be very hard to do anything if you have no energy. When I am working on something and suddenly my energy level falls to almost nothing. There have been times when I have been with my kids that I just fall asleep. There have been other times that we have done something and afterwards I try to do something and I just end up bawling because I am so tired. There was a time that my little girl ask me to help he put her shirt on. I couldn't turn it right side out so we could put it on her, she had to go ask grandma or grandpa to help. I really want to bawl because I can't do what one would think are the simplest things some days. 

I say it jokingly usually but in all seriousness don't have a stroke. Do whatever you can to make sure it doesn't happen to you. Feel free to use me as an example. Just do your best to make sure you don't have one. I am really not sure what I could have done differently if anything. I guess it was my turn somehow. Again, don't have a stroke it's not as much fun as it looks. 

Monday 18 May 2015.....whatever

So life is very confusing right now. I have been taking some supplements and I didn't know they were working until I ran out of them.   I was about to bawl the other night. Some things seem to not have a noticeable effect until I quit taking them.   I have noticed that other people have a similar reaction to medications. I am not a big supporter of excessive use of medicine or supplements but I really try to only use what seems to work for me. In many ways if it were not for my wife I would never know how effective some things are. I am so grateful for her finding what she did for me. 

This last weekend we got to see my brother and wife and there beautiful new baby girl. She is amazing. It was so nice to see everyone. There was only one of my brothers that was not there but that is how life works. I got to see a cousin that I haven't seen for a while. It is funny I think to see him with his wife and 2 1/2 kids. I guess that means I am getting old. 

Just so everyone knows I don't recommend having a stroke. It is not as fun as it might look. It can really cause you to do things that you would never want to do before. I keep myself quite most of the time now. Not because I want to be quite about things because I really don't want to but I have a point of no return that is to easy to get to and practically impossible to avoid.  I would never recommend that anyone hold their emotions in because that can be very unhealthy.   I hate how life is for  me now it can be almost impossible for me to cry or it can be to easy. When I saw my brothers and sisters yesterday it was to easy for me to cry. I hate it. It makes it really hard to talk to people. I have tried to talk with many people and being what is considered appropriate is beyond me. I do not know why. I become overly emotional. I really don't want anyone to have to experience my ugly side. I am very sorry for those people that have. 

Once upon a time I was an interrogator for the military. It sounds more cool than it actually was. It wasn't miserable but the military makes everything unfun. It helped me to think through things in a more logical way. I was able to use those skills to help other people from time to time. It is not that I don't want to help myself or others. Helping someone to think unemotionally is draining emotionally, that I really can't do it anymore. I try to help myself some but I get so tired and overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. 

There are things I could do but I really hate the emotional crap that gets stirred up. There was a time when I used to think "what a crock". I guess I know different now. 

Monday 11 May 2015.

So I guess the Honeymoon is over. All kinds of no fun. 

I do want to say that Marcy is the most amazing lady that could ever be. I have more than my share of faults. I am sure that people could tell you about them for hours. 

One thing that people have mentioned to me, and that I have noticed lately myself is how immature I can act. I think I am acting rational but then I notice that I am not. I try to just stop talking or doing anything. Usually everything I end up doing is misinterpreted and the situation is worse than it started. 

Long story short don't have a stroke. In makes the whole game harder than it was already. 

In other news we went to my wife's mothers for lunch on Mother's Day. It was a lot of fun and the food was awesome. It just seemed like the food would not stop. In was really good. 

We saw my wife's brothers house and the house she grew up in. It was a very nice day with her and her family.

Long story short we had a great time.  

Tuesday 5 May 2015......(raspberry)

I want to clarify. My family could tell people how amazing my wife is. I noticed how unclear my writing was from last time. 

I am really not sure what I want to say. There is so much that seems to be going on that I want to say so much but it can take me so long to write about things that I don't want ....

There are so many things that I want to say. Basically life is no fun for me in many ways. I really do have a very good life. I do dislike many things that I have to do.  I try to figure out how to do things less. One thing that has changed a lot for me is the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to. The fact is if you drink you have to pee. It's not that really something that I like to do a lot. Please don't think I am trying to dehydrate myself. I'm not. I know how much that that can hurt physically or other wise. I am really not a fan of how difficult it can be to have to go to the restroom. Again take your comments with you. 

I am really not afraid to do somethings that needs to be done or I feel I should do. When I was in the hospital a little over a year ago I noticed how long my toe nails were getting. The ladies that helped me shower tried to give me some reason why they could not. Whatever. So after they finished getting me dressed I proceeded to cut my own toe nails. Not an easy process by any means. I had to take off my shoes and socks. Then I cut my toe nails. My hands have this habit of shaking like crazy. That was done. Then I needed to put the shoes and socks back on. To this day I have no idea how I was able to get them on, but I did. And no one was the wiser.

I have been thinking of some exercises that I want to do. There are quite a few. I don't want to turn into a potato.   

Thursday 30 April 2015.....point of clarification.

I want to make a bit of clarification to the last post. 

I do not hate my ex wife. I hope she has a good life. 

It certainly is not fun to be me. 

I am married to Marcy. She is so amazing I know I could never tell you enough of how amazing she is. I love her dearly and her boys are amazing as well. I could never write enough about how amazing she is. I hope my brothers and sisters could and my mom and her husband. I just wish there were more hours in the day that I could spend with her. 

Thursday 30 April 2015.....happy birthday dad.....that's not what this post is about.

So here I am in Vernal. I really quite like it. If it weren't for two main reasons I might consider moving. 

First, the VA is no comparison. The closest clinic is thirty miles away. And it is only a clinic not a hospital with access to lots of option. I am a little fussy about having access to health care these days. I still have to wait in lines and there are other annoyances. Having access to what I have is great. I'm glad my years in the army gave me such an option. 

The second reason that I don't move is my kids. I can see them more regularly if I stay in Texas. So you could consider me land locked until my daughter graduates from high school.  There is so much more that I can do with them if I live close. I am so blessed that my wife is willing to move herself and her boys. My kids adore her. My one son has ask about her on multiple occasions. My other son surprised both of us by giving her a hug as we met her at the airport. My daughter thinks she is awesome because dance is a big deal for them both. My oldest is kind of hard to read some days but he has said he likes her, which is high praise coming from him. They are all right my wife is amazing. The fact she is willing to move her family so I can stay closer to mine is wonderful. 

That said I think of parts of my life as a car wreck. If everything is going well like we like it to we get where we want to go. No problem. If there is an accident we slow down to see what we can. Maybe we are thinking that we are trying to avoid causing an accident ourselves. Maybe we help by slowing down, but I would say we increase the likelihood of causing another accident. In many ways my life is the ultimate car wreck. If you insist on slowing down to see don't hurt yourself please. There are times when I think my life is comparable to the following song by George Strait. (www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RtJ4hy-GrM )

"I Hate Everything"

He was sitting there beside me throwing doubles down

When he ordered up his third one he looked around

Then he looked at me, said I do believe I'll have one more

He said I hate this bar and I hate to drink

But on second thought tonight I think I hate everything

Then he opened up his bill-fold and threw a 20 down

And the faded photograph fell out and hit the ground

And I picked it up, he said thank you bud, I put it in his hand

He said I probably ought to throw this one away

'Cause she's the reason I feel this way, I hate everything

[Chorus:]

I hate my job, I hate my life and if it weren't for my two kids I'd hate my ex-wife

I know I should move on and try to start again

But I just can't get over her leaving me for him

Then he shook his head and looked down at his ring and said I hate everything

He said one bedroom apartment where I get my mail

Is really not a home, it's more like a jail

With a swimming pool and a parking lot view, man that's just great

I hate summer, winter, fall and spring

Red and yellow, purple, blue and green, I hate everything

[Chorus]

So I pulled out my phone and I called my house

I said babe I'm comin' home, we're gonna work this out

I paid for his drinks and I told him thanks, thanks for everything

Now please don't think I am trying to say that my life is like this song. I have a very good life. My kids are wonderful. I like the apartments I have lived in. I am far from hating everything or anyone. 

The reason I say anything is that my wife's family is having some real difficulty. My sister is with my wife's sister on a fairly regular basis. My sister had no idea that things were going like they are for my wife's sister and brother. I have no intention of using their lives as my social currency. We all have our problems but if we can't help with the difficulty please be quiet. We don't need to get social mileage from someone else's dilemmas. 

I flew in to Utah the other day and as my wife was coming to pick me up I called my cousin so I would hopefully be able to see him for a little while. It was very nice to see him and his wife. We were going to walk to this one restaurant but it was raining so hard we decided to stay were we were.  We were talking and I guess that people are kind of surprised I can do as much as I can. I can get up and shower and dress myself. If I have to I go to the bathroom by myself and I usually go by myself because I don't want anybody to have to help me. I can make my own food if I have to. I go to the store across the street from my apartment. I go to the bank down the road if needed. There are lots of things I can usually do easily. I can tire out really quick so I also have long periods that I don't do anything but rest. I'm not relaxing. It is so difficult for me to do anything I really want to cry. I have times when I am by myself that I give myself that luxury. 

I have been told that I need to be more positive when I write. I am not sure exactly how. In many ways I see my life as kind of a warning to others. Don't have a stroke. If you have any advice I would gladly take it. 

Thursday 23 April 2015....yeah.

So my son's dog went missing. Very uncool. She has been one one of the best dogs that has ever been. 

To make a long story short. She found her way home and I guess she was filthy. But that happens. 

I am very glad she got home. I was going to go out and look for her. It is looking like it would be  rainy and that would be no fun. 

I am getting ready to travel.  Not such a bad thing but I have to pack and that is not fun. 

I get so tired from having to do so much. That can make life very unenjoyable. So take care.