Monday, March 31, 2014

This is going to be a hard thing for some. We are all prejudice towards someone. Do I care who you are prejudice towards. Yes. 

I am sure most people don't think of themselves as prejustice. I am not saying it is a bad thing to be prejudiced but it can be damn inconvenient. Now I am not saying we should be or we are bad when our personal views come out but most of us myself included don't know what those are. 

I am going to use myself as an example for a while.

I am in a wheel chair. For the most part if you see a person in a wheelchair you want to subtract 100 IQ points wether we think we do that or not. Not that it is unwarranted in many occasions it is hard to know when you should and shouldn't do the things  we do. But you may have to live with the consequences. 

My emotional IQ is all out of wack. I had a really hard time not crying today. But what else is new. 

If someone wants me to do something it's not to hard for me to understand but it is hard for me to communicate. That gives people another reason to think that I am not so bright. 

At times I think to myself "why can't we all get along."  I know it is not a reasonable thought but I can have a lot of unreasonable thoughts. And the more emotional I get it doesn't help me because I can get hyper emotional. And the more emotional you get the perception of your IQ just gets lower. Just my luck. 

Well I intended to write more. I guess I will have to explain more later. 

Saturday, March 29 2014.

So I went out last night with my boys to the father and sons camp out. It was pretty fun. We didn't stay all night but it was lots of fun. The place we went was for the most part not to hard to get around in my chair. It was bumpy and a little slow and I got stuck once but it was fun. 

My biggest boy made sure I was safe for the most part. Not bad for 11. 

It was so nice to be out of the hospital that I can't say. I forget about camping in Texas. There was a burn ban I guess and we had hot dogs that needed cooked. Luckily a friend was cooking with charcoal and he he helped us out.

We went home after the boys finished there banana boats. There was a special program that was very short. And after that night we went home. It was nice to have a friend drive. 

So that is that. Hope everyone is doing well. 

Sunday, March 23 2014

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. So what if you woke up and you could not move anything but your head and neck and you are the only one that you can understand what you are trying to say. All I can say is that it is no fun. 

Let's all go back in time a few months. When I first "woke up" from the sleep I found myself in I was trying to understand what was going on. I really had no idea. I thought there was something holding me in my bed. Something I didn't understand.  And I guess I was right, I had had a stroke but I didn't know that. I kept trying to move but I thought some kind of new technology that I didn't  understand was being used to keep me lying in the bed I was in. But I really didn't understand what the problem was. The first day I was " awake" I was bombarded by people telling me all kinds of things that I didn't understand. I understand what they were saying now but at the time I didn't. One of the first things I was ask was if I could read the massage that was in Portuguese that a friend had sent me. Yes I did understand it. I could understand everything that was said to me. But I did not understand why people were making things so complicated for  me. 

I was probably in a sort of dream state for a while but after I "woke up" I had a few moments   I was less than lucid. Going back the other direction I do remember on friend was sitting in my room and I wanted to talk to him so badly. I fell asleep and when I woke up he was gone. 

That night I think it was that night,  I woke up because someone had left the TV on. I so badly wanted to turn off the TV off but I was so tired that I didn't care to much at the moment. Who ever had left the TV on had put it on what I think was the military channel, and some infomercial asking you to donate money to Israel was on. I was thinking someone just give them some money already to shut them up. I guess the TV show could not read my thoughts because it just kept going.

What happened next I am not sure I think the next day was the first day I remember but I'm not sure. 

I also thought that I needed to get back to the National Guard and training that I thought was yesterday,  I did not realize I had been in the hospital for three weeks or whatever it was. I had no idea why  I was were I was. I tried to communicate, but no one understood what I was trying to say. 

I can notice some difference in the way I talk now but I thought that what I was saying normal things. I guess it was difficult if not impossible to understand.  

Well I better stop for now. Take care every one. 

Wednesday, March 19 2014. Whatever.

Well today is such a confusing day I am not sure what to think. 

I was given a two week extension by the insurance company. I am still trying to figure out what is the most important thing for me to work on right now. 

I have basically two weeks to get myself ready to do some of the things I most need to take care of by myself. 

I don't have a problem with going to another facility, if I do not have to stay there the whole time. 

Some may think I am being difficult. Yes I am I guess.  You try being in a hospital for almost a year. To put it nice it sucks. Sure I have met some great people but I still is rotten and I don't recommend it.  

Secondly, I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I am so sick of the the fact that it takes me so long to do so many things now. And I am going to be required to do even more. 

The extension I have been given is little more than a temporary reprieve. 

I am not sure what to think right now. If you have any thoughts, I could use some right now. 

I hope you have a good week.  

Sunday, March 16 2014 some movies and some other stuff

I was offered a movie to watch. It was good but it hit kind of close to home. The main chacter was diagnosed with the same diagnosis I have, locked in syndrome. I am not so bad he is but it still sucks. The movie was called The Diving Bell and The Butterfly. It is in French, but I am sure  you can watch it with English subtitles. Or maybe you can find it in English or some other language.  All I can say right now is it hit kind of close to home. 

I spent most of Saturday watching movies. 

My family came by and I guess you could say I really had I hard time keeping myself in check. More than I would like it is hard to stay in what most people would call an appropriate emotional state. I wish it were easier to maintain myself in a stable state.

I had a nice time at church today. Some friends came by and played a game with me and it was a lot of fun.  

I am not sure what to think about a lot of things right now but I will let you in on more later.   

Friday, March 14 2014 hockey, VA, pool, Annie. ,

I meant to write yesterday, but I was so busy and so tired it was hard to  want to do much.  

I got to go to a hockey game last night. It was a lot of fun, but it sure made me tired.  We went to bed a little bit later than normal later.  It was 10:00 when we got back which is the time I normally go to bed. The hockey game was I lot of fun.

I went back to the VA yesterday also. Since I am retired from the army now I guess we will see what will happen now.   There is some debate about if the 18th will be my last day here or if I will be here three more weeks. I guess we will find out later. 

I have been thinking about something for a while. It's probably been about 5 months now but I went to the pool and it was fun. It was a long time in getting there but it was fun. 

I think I was expecting to much. In a way I was thinking it would be like hopping into magic waters and everything would be easy. It was not as easy as I hoped but it was fun. 

I had a lot of fun.   I think I may have scared the therapists with me, but it was still lots of fun.  I tried to walk and move like I remember I did before my stroke. Guess what, moving in the water is not as easy as I was hoping. It was still therapy. Not that therapy is bad but I guess I would like to have a vacation from my own body. Some days it really sucks to be me I think. Wha. 

I guess I need to be more content with my lot in life. 

Lastly I want to mention a movie musical that has been running through my head a lot. It is not my favorite, but it has been going through my head I lot and maybe I need to purge the fixation, but anyway. The movie is ANNIE. I really like the bad guys. Mrs Hannigan and her brother Rooster and his girlfriend Lily. I really like the version that has Carol Bernett, and just a fun fact, she is from San Antonio and the city saved the house she grew up in from demolition. But back to the movie I have been thinking about it for a while. If you haven't seen it I recomend you do.  

Any way I have been thinking about one song in particular it's called little girls 

 

Little Girls Lyrics   

[MISS HANNIGAN]

Little girls 

Little girls 

Everywhere I turn I can see them

Little girls

Little girls

Night and day

I eat, sleep and breathe them

I'm an ordinary woman

With feelings

I'd like a man to nibble on my ear 

But I'll admit no man has bit

So how come I'm the mother of the year? 

Little cheeks

Little teeth 

Everything around me is little

If I wring 

Little necks

Surely I will get an acquittal 

Some women are dripping with diamonds

Some women are dripping with pearls 

Lucky me! Lucky me! 

Look at what I'm dripping with 

Little girls

How I hate 

Little shoes 

Little socks 

And each little bloomer

I'd have cracked 

Years ago 

If it weren't for my 

Sense of humor

Some day

I'll step on their freckles 

Some night

I'll straighten their curls 

Send a flood

Send the flu 

Anything that You can do 

To little girls 

Some day I'll land in the nut house 

With all the nuts and the squirrels 

There I'll stay 

Until the prohibition of

Little Girls

So those are the song words I like the most, from the musical I have been thinking the most about. 

Do I know why? Sure. Do other people have there ideas? Probably.  All I am going to say at the moment, it sure is a fun song and a good movie. 

I am getting tired tonight. Take care. 

Tuesday March 11 2014 avoid naps

So this is my attempt to get back on track. 

Yesterday I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon. It has only happened one other time in resent history. That time hurt, this time was even worse I think.  

After I ate lunch I was so tired that I laid myself back for a minute and I ended up falling asleep. 

That was not bad until the first therapist came by my room, I was only partly awake. Then the next therapist came to my room and I thought I really needed to get myself moving. So I went to my therapy. It hurt so bad that I was not feeling ready to move until it was over.

It was hard to get myself going and it was hard to drive my chair. I did eventually, but it was hard. 

When I got in my chair and I was told it was time to go I was just feeling like I was just waking up. I went to my room an just sat there for awhiłe. 

It feels like it has been pretty eventful this week. But I just can't remember what has gone on. 

I have taken such pride in the fact that I could do so many things by myself. I received a visitor and if I wanted to do social work like I did before it would take me so long to write a note that it is not even funny. There is some writing I need to get done but I might have to get someone else to do it or just leave it for now. What a world. 

Take care. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014. It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

 So here we are together, together, together.....

Not sure what to write tonight that would be of most worth. I have not wanted to do much, but I have had a lot to do this week, not bad but very annoying. 

Well the past few days have been very eventful. Since last I posted I got a new car. It is really exciting because now I can be taken places in a reallitivly easy manner. It's nice not needing to call for a cab to go somewhere. It is so nice to just be able to go. So nice. 

It has been nice to see some friends this week. I haven't seen them for a while. It was and is so nice to talk with them. Sure it's not everything, but it is sure nice. I don't remember what we talked about but it was really nice to see them and the fact they helped me set up my lunch tray was so nice it's hard to say. 

Well I guess I have made a name for myself here. Most people think I am nice here. Yes I know that other places  I have not been the nicest. And before my stroke I was a real bastard. So in many ways I think of now as my new life. I still need to do better than I do. But in many ways I am better than before. I remember that once I was ask about my life before my stroke. I remember trying to say that the person I was before everything is gone. Do I remember things and the way I was before?  Sure. Am I that person?  Yes and no. I think I can remember most everything. But I almost feel like something is holding me from going that way. 

I went out with my family the other night. We went in the new car. Yeah. And we went to IHOP. It was in so many ways, a dream come true. Maybe I have seen to many of the commercials, but it was a heckuva lot of fun. 

Today was a bitter sweet day. One person I met here is leaving tomorrow morning early and that sucks. It was not bad because church was cool. 

But it is getting late. Take care. 

Monday, March 10, 2014.

I guess you could say this has been an interesting week but I am not sure what to say. 

I am trying to figure  out how to do more things by myself. One thing that would make things easier for me is elastic shoe laces. I really prefer to use regular laces but tying my shoes can take longer than I like and elastic laces can essentially turn my tie shoes into a kind of Slip on.  So I guess if I would like to not have to work that much right now.  

I guess I had never realized how many things we rely on. And most everything is physical even if we don't like to think of them as "physical" or "mental"?.  The physical and mental differance in jobs that people talk about is negligible for me right now.

So today has been an interesting day.  

I guess I am a bad person because I don't want to stay in a hospital anymore. Sure there is probably more to the story to bad you don't know.  

The past few days have been kind of interesting. There have been highs and lows. Monday was kind of ho-hum. Tuesday was pretty good.  Wednesday was pretty awful and nice. Thursday busy. Friday was a day. Saturday was Saturday, I have had better days.  Sunday I just watched movies after church.  

Last night when I was going to bed I realized I hadn't written my blog. It was kind of distressing,  but I was so tired I didn't care last night. I am not sure what the DSM 5 says the criteria are for depression but I am not sure I fit the old criteria in the DSM IV. Just so some of you know DSM stands for diagnostic and statistical manuel. It is the key for most mental health diagnosis. The reason I know that in case you are wondering is because before my stroke I worked as a social worker in the area of mental health. Could I do it now? Not at the speed any one would want. 

I just finished my therapy for the morning. It wasn't to bad.  I have a new swallow study tomorrow so I hope that every thing goes well so I can have regular liquids. Please pray for me.  Right now I can only have thickened liquids. I have been told that soda drinks are ok but not the best idea. I have drank soda on occasion but not very often.

Well I know the world is busy, and I promise I am not contagious, so this is a blatant plea for visitors since I can't come to you right now. Again what I have is not catching so people won't leave from here in wheelchairs, but if you did you would still be better off than me because you would still be stronger. Long story short, stop by if you can and come visit if you can. 

Well, I need to stop for right now. Hope everyone is well take care.