Monday 31 August 2015......please stay tuned.

So tired of being sick. It is no fun. I am getting over my pneumonia. I am still really tired but feeling better. I have been watching a lot of TV. I try to find something I can tolerate watching. That is hard for me. I get so sick of watching TV. When I am not feeling well I cannot do much else. I can but it is very hard. 

I have been trying to figure out lots of different things. I am not sure how I will get everything done, but that's life I guess. 

Thursday 27 August 2015......one more time.

So I decided to go to the emergency room. I have been feeling kind of crumby recently. I guess I could just die and I wouldn't have to cause some people anymore misery. Just in case you didn't get it that was sarcasm. I wouldn't want to die because then I wouldn't be around to annoy other people. Just in case you need to know that was sarcasm also. I'm full of them. Or am I full of it. Probably both. 

I will say so everyone knows again. I don't talk nearly as much as I used to. I used to talk insensately before my stroke. Since my stroke I have discovered the joy of not saying anything. I have discovered this an amazing way to learn things. Listening. I know it is a difficult concept for some people to grasp but it involves not saying anything. 

A few quotes I appreciate, "it's better to let people think you a fool than to open your mouth and prove them right."  "If people were supposed to talk more than they listen we would have been born with two mouths and one ear."  I am sure there are countless more. The short version of the long story is this, I don't talk as much as I used to. Partly I can't. It takes so much energy to talk that it is a real chore. Another thing, talking while I am eating can make me choke. Mealtime conversation can be great. Please don't include me. I am funny I know but I enjoy and like living. 

I went to the emergency room Monday. I was there for 6 hours. Not my idea of a good time. To make a long story short,  I have pneumonia. It is really no fun. I last had it that I remember over 20 years ago in Brazil. It was less fun then. Not that it's fun now. I have really felt tired. Nothing new. But I really want to do nothing. 

Thursday, 20 August 2015......can I please sleep now?

I am so tired and worn out right now. I have been traveling and it can be so taxing on me. 

This one saying that I am rather found of has proven itself more accurate lately. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  I say that for many reasons. People say they do something for me, they don't mean anything bad by what they do. After they "help" it can quite often be more difficult for me in some manner. Not that I don't appreciate real help. I guess the question to ask is are you doing something for me or for yourself. That can be a very difficult question to ask yourself and answer some days. Is it really going to help? 

So I get tired easily. 

The other thing is I had a stroke. It's hard to believe I know. 

There are people who have ask me if I would like to continue my career as a Social Worker. I would have to say yes but it wouldn't be a good idea. Sure I could hire someone to help me type. There is even software that could help me type and I could use that. Beside the point. Social Work is a very emotionally charged field. I would not be a good Social Worker now because I am to emotional a person. I have to keep myself on the non emotional side of everything or most people will think there is just another crazy guy in a wheelchair. The reason someone sees a Social Worker is to help remove emotion from the equation in a nice way. I couldn't do that now. I am much to blunt. 

Whether we want to admit it or not we as humans are very emotional creatures. I will grant that some of us are more "logical" than others. Whether we want to admit it or not we are ruled by our emotions. We are not nearly as logical as we would like to think we are. 

I have unfortunately had to take things to such an extreme that there are times that I want to cry but I can't. It can really be a pain in the butt when you want to cry but the tears won't come. It is also a pain when you start crying and you can't seem to turn it off. 

There is this movie called "Adam". The main character is autistic in such a way that emotions are almost an afterthought in his life. In many ways I have to do my best to put all my emotions aside on purpose. Not that I do but I try. 

Thursday 13 August 2014.......good afternoon.

So I did some impromptu traveling. Not something I think I will do again. Flying in a plane and then riding a bus after spending the night in a bus station is not my idea of a good time. I spent the night in the bus station when I was twenty. I was in Brazil and it was miserable then too. So I don't think I will do it again. 

I am the type of person that can like things to be very regimented because I'm in a wheelchair. My natural inclination is to fly by the seat of my pants. I was talking to my brother and he was kind of upset with me it seemed.   I guess he had the thought that I would expect him or one of my other brothers or sisters to drop everything and help me just because I am in a wheelchair. My thought is this. I will ask people for help. If you can great. If you can't, that happens to. I would hope you don't feel bad if you can't help, but if it makes you feel better go ahead.

So what to do?

I get so tired of so many things and life is very complex.  

Wednesday, 12 August 2015....did you really read the title of this blog. If I were dead I'd tell you.

So I went to my family reunion. It was lots of fun. My grandmas family was in charge of doing things. I will admit that I hate not being able to help. I can do a very good job of getting in the way. So if you feel like you need some assistance with someone getting in the way I would be glad to help with that. 

It has been a lot of fun to see everyone. It is kind of odd because we all seem to be getting older.   Not sure how that keeps happening but maybe it will stop. That last sentence was meant to be sarcastic. 

I am not sure I like the way everyone thinks I am such an anomaly and so special. I know I am but I am not sure I like how some people make such a big deal. If you were to look on the internet and look up "locked-in-syndrome" you will mostly see persons that can do a lot less than I can. If you want to see a movie about my diagnosis "The diving bell and the butterfly." Is a good example. My mom said it made her feel claustrophobic. If you want to watch it have fun.  I am getting better at accepting some complements and other praise they feel they have to throw at me. In many ways I am just a normal guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time. I just do it a lot slower than most people. 

We stayed at a motel a little ways away from my reunion. There are others but they were built before ADA was the rule. If any changes have been made they were cosmetic. No structural changes, so no need for them to do anything major. 

One thing that I am not very good at doing is letting other people do things I feel I should or can do myself. I will try to do something myself. If it is something I can do myself great. At times I can't do something and I have to ask for help. Then there are the times that I have been able to do something and for whatever reason I can't do it again.  I look at some of the things I have done and I wonder how I was able to do it?  I guess I had enough tenacity that I was able to do it. I remember that I had to cut my toenails when I was in the hospital. I asked and the people seemed to be passing the buck and doing their best to avoid the subject. Somehow I took off my shoes and socks and cut my toenails. Then I put my shoes and socks back on. How I was able to do it all I have no idea. I did it but I really don't know how. I feel that way about many things I have done. I think I must have had a real big desire to do some of the things done.

The thing is I can do a lot of things but some things are so time consuming that I really hate how long it takes me. There are some people that get tired of how long it takes me to do things and they offer to do something because they can do it faster. There are the people that don't offer help for whatever reason. I am not sure I know how to feel about either.