Saturday 27 February 2016....Lilo and Stitch.

I was told that two young boys like the gifts I chose for them. 

I would like to say it was is because of my general awesomeness and years of experience. I would be more inclined to say that it is because I am more childlike, childish and have the mentality of a five year old. Whatever the reason I am very glad that they like there gifts. 

I don't know what to say right now. 

I have been thinking.  I know in many ways I need to stop. I just can't seem to stop. 

The fact that I have come to is this....There are so many situations that sometimes truth can seem subjective.  There is ultimate truth. Not everything is subjective. What the "ultimate" truth is for all situations I would not dare to say I know. There are so many possible situations we my find ourselves in. We can know what we each individually need to do. Life is not just "whatever" or something like that. Life is complicated and messy in so many ways. 

My life can be miserable in so many ways. Still I wouldn't trade my life with anyone. If you think you want to try my life I really would not recommend it. 

Something that I have been thinking about for a long time is my diet. I have been toying with the idea of vegetarianism. I honestly don't think I could give up eating meat. I like it to much. Animals are yummy. At least the ones I've tried. The point. I'm thinking that I will only eat meat when I go out to eat. When I'm at home I'll eat plants.  I'm sure some people are probably having fits because I say that. Meat is not as essential for protein as most people think. 

I love to eat meat. Brazilian steakhouses are wonderful. The only reason I don't like them is you can eat as much meat as you like. Meat seems to make me smell bad. Maybe it's just me. The simple fact is I have to live with myself and I don't like to smell myself. There are a lot of options to get protein. There are more options than we want to admit. 

One thing I learned while living in Brazil is there are more options for ways we can live and stay alive than we want to admit.  There are principles that can help us live better. We as humans know so few of them. 

I feel I need to say this again. 

I don't talk much. Not because I don't have anything to say. Sometimes I have a lot to say. I do not want to give people a reason to talk about my life. Is it controlling? Maybe.  I see it as more self control. Instead of expecting others not to talk about me, I don't talk about myself. In many ways what others may say is pure speculation.  

I am more than happy to talk about many thing with many people. I will say I learned the hard way, many years ago that I need to think a little bit more before I talk about somethings. 

Once I talked to my grandpa about something. A few days later I heard about what I had spoken with my grandpa from my mom and my aunt. I love my grandpa, my mother, and my aunt dearly. I did not like how I thought something that I felt was a very personal topic, that I shared with one person in confidence, became a public matter. I came to the conclusion that I would need to be more careful about what I shared and who I shared it with. 

Just because I don't share something, does not mean I don't love you.  If I don't share something with you its because I don't know you well enough or I don't trust you with my information. Take your pick. I still love a lot of people. In this one area you just have to live with not knowing. 

I want people to like me and I work very hard for that to happen. One reason I say very little most of the time is the saying, "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". Also "it's better to let people think you a fool than to open your mouth and prove them right". Both sayings have their merit. Neither is perfect. I don't live by them perfectly. They help. 

I am really unsure about a lot right now. 

Friday 19 February 2016.......I'm not as dumb as....

This post is a more personal one

As I look back on my life I see the Lord guiding and influencing a lot. I see how I have probably not understood what he was trying to accomplish with me. Like so many others I feel like I can do no wrong. I am more imperfect than I want myself or anyone else to believe. I'm not going to go into any specifics right now. Later. 

TThere are so many ways the Lord tries to influence all of our lives and we, at least I, push back and say "no" so much that it is surprising we're alive. 

To clarify, I love my mother. She helps me a lot in so many ways. Even though I love my mother I treat her very poorly. Maybe it is because of my stroke, maybe it's just me, maybe it's a combination of both. She doesn't deserve the way I treat her. I know she wants more from me at times. More than I am capable of giving. All I can say is thank goodness she doesn't give up on me. Not that I could blame her if she did. 

We all want our own way. The Lord doesn't give up on us. No matter if we or others think we need to be given up on. Some way, He finds a reason not to give up on us. He will let us learn the hard way if we insist but he does provide a better way first. 

One thing that makes sense, but is little comfort to me is the saying, "The only way out is through."  If anyone knew me before my stroke I rarely got sick. I had none of the risk factors for a stroke.  The fact I had a stroke was a surprise in many ways. When the nurse told me I'd had a stroke I thought to myself, "You lier."  I guess he was right.

I would not say the Lord caused this to happen to me. He let the stroke happen. He could have stopped it from happening. That's not His way as I understand it. He lets us see how we treat others. He watches how we react to the way others treat us. In many ways I believe in 70x7. I'm not that good. Far from it.  

I have been reading:

19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

(Mosiah 3:19, Book of Mormon)

I have been thinking about this scripture. The one part about about the attributes of children is miss understood I think. Most children are not "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love". I don't know many children that fit that description. I think a better explanation is those are the traits that adults want children to have. The older we get the easier it is to develop those traits in ourselves. Whether we admit it or not God is our Father.  We are His children. Younger humans need older humans to show the way to hopefully develop the traits described. I would say it is describing how all of us truly could be, not children themselves. It is encouraging a new way of being for us.

I see it in a different light now.  

E

Tuesday 16 February 2016.....happy birthday. You know who you are.

I have I little bit of an inferiority complex. Don't worry.  I can tell you how awesome I am so it's not anything major. 

I hate the way people talk down to me. The fact that I am in a wheelchair my cause some people to think I am more ignorant than I am. Maybe some think I am not as smart as I am. There are so many things that we could make assumptions about. Some that are directed at me can drive my nuts. 

One thing I will say, I am about as cuddly as a cactus sometimes. 

I have come to a simple conclusion. People suck. I have come to another conclusion. People are awesome. 

So how do I resolve this?

Good question.

My soap box to let people know what I think. 

Children are young humans. 

Kids are young goats. 

My children are not kids. 

I would dare say most other people's are not as well. 

What you call your offspring is your business. 

I ask right now, please use the term children or child when referring to mine. 

Kids are goats. "Kids" and "children" are synonymous in many ways now days. That doesn't mean the terms are equal. 

Maybe you want to refer to young people as "kids". Your right. Last I checked my children were still children. 

I've begun to notice that I only sleep so long. I usually wake up and it's nearly impossible for me to go back to sleep. I like sleeping. I hate laying in bed. I can just lay there and I have. Its still no fun. Laying in bed can hurt. I don't know about others but I don't like to hurt. I'm a wuss since I was retired from the army and it's just not fun to hurt. I'll get up thank you. 

I have felt crumby this last week. I sniffle and sneeze a lot. 

Thursday 11 February 2016.....and again.

My life is less than ideal. I'm not sure what ideal is right now. 

I think...that might be the trouble.  I think. 

There are to many hours in the day for me right now. 

Everything is crazy. 

 

There is so much I want to to say. I can't remember a thing. 

I want to read. Write. 

All I end up doing is sitting.

I came across this again as I was kinda studying.   

 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. 

(Mosiah 3:19, Book of Morman)

I needed that. In a nutshell my life sucks in so many ways. There are times when I think I can't take it anymore. I just have to remember to shut up and drive on. I am not the type of person to share everything about my life. I very much believe in talk therapy, I used to provide it. It can be very hard to talk now and it can exhaust me. 

I hate the fact my life has becomes other people's "entertainment". I might have to live with that forever. One thing I really dislike, even hate, is how some people essentially say "oh I'm not talking bad."  Your version of "true" may have little reality in it. 

One thing I saw this morning was a news report about my home town. Vernal, Utah. Big oil town. The Dinosaur capital of the world. It was a great place to grow up in many ways. Other ways no so much. It is either boom or bust. 

Right now it's in the bust side. Gas is inexpensive so the town is not doing the best. 

Now I'm going to get on my soapbox. 

Life is hard. Some people, myself included, believe in paying tithing. If you don't your choice. I will say you should really consider it. Not the point. 

If I am willing to pay tithing to God, it might be a good idea for me to pay/save an equal amount for myself. I'm not saying I am equal to God in anyway. I'm saying that if God gets a portion of my money then I do to. 

Most of the things I buy end up getting broken and turn to crap. I'll just put my money in savings. 

Ok. I'm done. 

Friday 5 February 2016.....brown.

My life is one big "Kobayashi Maru" right now. Let me explain. 

Once upon a time I was in the army. I went to officer candidate school. Hard to believe but it's a fact and true. While I was there one instructor explained it as a "Kobayashi Maru" a no win scenerio. No matter what we may do to improve the situation the instructors would always find a way or a reason to explain why it didn't work. Drill sergeants I had did the same thing. The fact is, like most everyone, I hate no win scenarios. I like to win. This one saying that I have always hated is "if you ain't cheatin' you ain't tryin'."  BS.  There are rules in life. At times we my not like them. So what. We don't have to like them. There are some "rules" that seem pretty arbitrary. No one ever said we had to like them. Changing the rules is not easy, but doing so is perfectly legal. If you can good luck. 

I digress. Kobayashi Maru is a training scenario from Star Trek. A no win scenario is something anyone could face. I guess it depends on your definition of win and loose. 

The other thing recently I was given anti-embolism stockings. The are supposed to prevent blood clots. I use one on my left leg. My wife described my leg as looking like a cadavers leg. The other day my leg was really swollen. Anywho, as I was putting the stocking on it reminded me that I was told that when you are out hiking pantyhose are good to wear because it helps improve your circulation and can help prevent blisters from forming on your feet. The stockings I have are thigh high. It made me think if some of my costume knowledge. Most fashion was for men before it was adopted by women. High heels. Puffy sleeves. Tights. Most everything. Anyway I put this stocking on and I think. Tights and thigh high stockings are really not to bad. Quite nice in fact. I think someone has been hiding the fact that they are so amazing from men. 

One thing I find very troubling is the fact that people seem to think I take things lightly. When I am around most people I try to maintain a very jovial and joking attitude. I put a lot of thought into things. I really don't want to be to serious all the time. I might have to much time on my hands. There goes life again. 

Tuesday 2 February 2016......really. (By the way. I hate that expression)

Overall, people suck. At the same time they are fun. What a dilemma.

 

There is a lot about my life that is no fun. The simple fact is I can remember when I could do a lot less. I hated being stuck in bed all day, every day, night after night. Slowly learning to make my body move again. I can remember all to well the days I could not move and I was basically furniture. Most furniture stays where we but it. I think some wish I was still that way. That was how I was for a long time. 

If you need to be reminded again I had a Stroke. A brain injury/illness. Let's consider what the brain does for us. 

Thinking and memory. Thinking for me is fuzzy at times. Memory since the stoke the stroke can be questionable. Before my stroke I can remember things from when I was two. Yes 2. 

Emotions. My emotions can be volatile. Some people have had the misfortune of experiencing them first hand and for that I cannot apologize enough. I try to keep them under control but unfortunately they can get the better of me. They used to give me more trouble. Some people say I can act very immature and there may be some truth there. I don't notice it myself most of the time. I have to catch signals people give at times. 

Movement. This is the most obvious. The wheelchair is a dead giveaway. Dexterity. Movement. Talking. The list goes on. The problem is there are muscles that are obvious and less obvious.  

I get very tired of the idea that some people send, even though they don't talk, that I am stupid or an idiot in some way. I talked with a lady one day and her husband, who is in a wheelchair, he gets very frustrated by the same type of thing happening to him. People see the chair and whether we know it or not we make all kinds of assumptions. I do it myself. I wonder if Stephan Hawking has to deal with people thinking he's stupid. 

 

I do have days that I think to myself "my life sucks". I really have quite a good life. Everyone feels crumby some times.