26 February 2019.....hum dee dum

Running type exercise. *Legs exercise. *

I just need to do whatever I can do. 

Write every morning. 

Pretty good. 

Floss teeth 

Ok.  

Volunteer

I guess. 

Budget

Not bad

No robbing/borrowing from savings 

I got some surprise money so I can pay some back. 

No Facebook until after budgeting is done *daily*

Yup. 

Spend time in nature 

I feel like crap, but I go out for a few minutes. 

Read Book of Mormon daily *Read New Testament daily*

Doing....ok. 

25 February 2019

So, I have been feeling really bad. I may need to try resting most of the time. I’ve even been thinking that I need to go to church one Sunday a month because I feel so bad. But I don’t want my children to get the idea that staying home from church is acceptable because you learn so much when you go. I may have to “muscle” my way though for the next few years and be tougher than I want to be. 

My grandma got to a point that she didn’t go to church buildings anymore. And she had a cushion to sit on all the time she went out. She always had someone help her walk when she went outside. Steps were not the easiest for her and I never saw her going up and down steps. 

I always say she was a “tough ol’ girl”. She had 2 strokes. I have had one. She lived alone for years. Finally she had to go into a nursing home. Still she was spunky. At the same time very proper about things. She had her way that she wanted things done, and she would let you know it. She became somewhat more quiet as she got older. It might be because she had her own ideas about how she wanted things done, but she had to rely on everyone else to do things for her. Everyone that did something for her had there ideas. At a certain point it is easier to let people just do their thing. Talking is just to hard. As for myself, I just have to let people think they are smarter, even though I already know that I am. I wonder if my grandma was the same way. I would not doubt it she was a smart lady. 

26 February 2018

So, some people think I am wrong. Sometimes I am. Not to much. If I am wrong I will admit it. I hate when people, regardless of what they believe, won’t ever say they are wrong. 

It reminds me of a saying I once heard. “If the foo shits, wear it.”  There once was a bird called a foo, if it shat on you you, you had to wear it. If you wiped off the mess you would die. 

Some things are so awful, but you have to live with them no matter what. 

Now, I find this as strictly an earthly perspective, no eternal perspective.  Kind of like I don’t foresee myself in a wheelchair forever, just the rest of this earthly life. 

Most of us have some form of foo excrement we have to wear. So. Are we smelling other people’s mess or are we being overwhelmed by our mess. 

22 February 2019

Running type exercise. *Legs exercise. *

Sometimes. 

Write every morning. 

Some days. 

Floss teeth 

Not bad. 

Volunteer

Yeah.

Budget

Meh. 

No robbing/borrowing from savings 

Hahaha. Nope. It’s been a crazy month. 

No Facebook until after budgeting is done *daily*

Almost. 

Spend time in nature 

If it’s not cold, I go outside. 

Read Book of Mormon daily *Read New Testament daily*

Doing good. 

20 February 2019

I have been so fluctuating from tired to having energy, back to tired. The only thing I can guess is I had a stroke. 

I hate it when people ask “what’s wrong?”  That should be self evident. I had a stroke. It came with a plethora of other problems, some that are just emerging after 6 years. 

I am mad about so many things right now. Most of the things I am mad about I have no control over. So it makes no sense to be mad. 

22 February 2019

So, I say move everyone that doesn’t like president Trump to a common area. Move everyone that wants Socialism to a common area. Let them set up there own system or systems. 

Really I think life is pretty good. I am like most Americans, not close to a national boarder. Still, I want safety and security. I am not sure how having no border wall is increasing safety or security.  

Yesterday I felt awful. I was tired all day. The weather has been fluctuating so much lately. Maybe that has to be a big part of it. 

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry when I watch news lately. So I try to do neither and watch no news. I was watching things on YouTube days after the fact but that just got me upset over nothing. 

15 February 2019

13 February 2019

New hat. Not the happiest about things. Still life is going well. 

15 February 2019

I’m tired. I was at the VA for a long time two days ago. When I got home I was really tired. But I got a new wheelchair from my trip. Some things I like a lot. Other things I will need to get used to. My son helped me choose the color for it. Orange. Very awesome. 

I have been watching a lot of hunting videos. I know I would never be able to go hunting myself. Still I might pay for someone else to go for me and bring me back the meat. I don’t care about the trophy. But then I can provide someone with the entertainment of hunting and they can provide me with different kinds of meats. Sounds pretty win win to me. 

I found some papers yesterday. I have been looking for them for a while. I have ask someone to help me get my papers and books sorted. I might need to bite the bullet and just finally give a lot of my books away. Paper books are very hard for me to handle. So I use ebooks most of the time. It’s amazing how many you can fit on an iPad. 

I need to get going. So much to do today. 

12 February 2019.....wow

12 February 2019

For the most part I have figured out why I was feeling somewhat depressed. I don’t know if I will say right now. But I had to jump through some mental hoops. I will still probably go see a professional. Then again. I was a professional at on time. We will see what happens. 

I have no problem with the idea of professional mental health people. I just think they are not needed for most problems. Most problems we can take care of on our own. Some problems are so big we need help. 

I think of mental health as a ball of string. At some point the string gets all tangled. Some messes we can untangle by ourselves. It takes time and effort, it’s not easy, but we can do it. Some messes of tangles require someone to sit and observe us while we are untangling the mess we have. Maybe we didn’t create the mess, but we are left with the mess and we have to deal with it. Regardless of the mess we have, we individually have to untangle it. Maybe we can do the untangle all by ourselves. Maybe a friend can make sure we have all the tangled bits fixed. Maybe we need someone that is a “professional” at identifying the tangled bits. Not easy because no person can physically touch another persons string. All anyone can do is identify the tangled bits and make recommendations about how to untangle them. Every person has to untangle their own string. 

There are some jobs out there that you can’t make or do for another person. The other person has to do for themselves. You can make recommendations but the other person must do all the work. A few examples teachers, mental health workers, actors, some parts of customer service. The list goes on.

Objects, things can be manipulated. People must do the work themselves. It’s true people can be manipulated, but the results can be disastrous, for the person doing the manipulation and the person being manipulated. I am using the word manipulate in strictly a negative connotation

10 February 2019

6 February 2019

So I have been thinking. 

I am not happy about people covering and accepting someone else’s incompetence. And theme I get blamed.  What a day what a life. I am so tired of so much because logic seems to evade so many people so often. At times it evades me but I had brain damage from a stroke, what’s there excuse.   

I am fighting mad about so many things. At times I feel I should just walk away and let things sort themselves out. This time I have to work at a lot of different things. 

9 February 2019

Ok, so I am crazy tough and cruel at times. If someone is in this country illegally I don’t want to know there status. But if I find out that someone is here in the US illegally, I have no problem with the idea of calling ICE. 

I worked on the border with Mexico years ago. It is not all roses. It can be ugly. Granted some things are beautiful there. That doesn’t mean bad things can’t happen. 

Movement between countries is not as easy as it once was 100, 200, 300 years ago. It has become increasingly complicated. My fiancée lives in Brazil. I have worked a lot to bring her here to the US. That is hard. Finally I had to go there. I hate traveling because it is so hard on me. To go to Brazil from the US is super easy. Coming to the US from Brazil is insanely hard. 

Traveling is hard on me. I will go out one day and I have to recover the next two. Also, because of my wheelchair I can’t go places I would like. Cobblestone streets are not easy. I would love to go someplace like Manchu Picchu in Peru. That is outside the realm of possibility for me. 

Back to the point. I believe in laws. Sometimes I don’t like what happens because of them. Some I think are as wrong as the day is long. Some laws I think are wonderful. Overall I like laws that govern. Laws don’t care about your feelings. 

10 February 2019

Running type exercise. *Legs exercise. *

I have been so weak I have not wanted to do anything. 

Write every morning. 

Sure. Just not blog or journal.  

Floss teeth 

Not bad. 

Volunteer

I guess. 

Budget

 It’s getting done. It’s getting easier 

No robbing/borrowing from savings 

This week ok. Partly because savings has no money to speak of. 

No Facebook until after budgeting is done *daily*

This seems to be the only thing I do consistently 

Spend time in nature

It has been cold the only time I want to go outside is to get in the car. 

Read Book of Mormon daily *Read New Testament daily*

Not bad. I feel so horrible lately I don’t even went to fallow along with audio. 

I have felt so rotten lately that I have a very hard time wanting to be nice. I can be but it requires a lot of effort. I have my ruthless logic coming out. It can be mean. I really try to just stay quiet so I won’t say something that I know will bring someone to tears, or irrationally mad. I still have my moments that I can be totally irrational. I can tell. 

This morning I feel worse than usual. I got up and my arms and legs were shaking worse than they ever have. My mom came over to use my blender. As I was talking, I noticed I was slurring my words. 

I have no desire to watch TV. I have no desire to do anything with my tablet. I go out side and I want to go back inside. I almost sound depressed. I will look up the symptoms for depression. I doubt it but who knows. Overall I have a theory. If you see the symptoms in yourself, you begin to see the symptoms in everyone else. Kind of like you notice all the cars like yours after you get a new one. 

4 February 2019

Running type exercise. *Legs exercise. *

Ok. I intend to stand and do lots of ab exercises. 

Write every morning. 

Not bad. 

Floss teeth 

Pretty good. 

Volunteer

Some. 

Budget

 I’m getting it done. It feels sloppy. 

No robbing/borrowing from savings 

Meh. 

No Facebook until after budgeting is done *daily*

Good

Spend time in nature

I’ve been outside. 

Read Book of Mormon daily *Read New Testament daily*

Pretty good. The book of Mark has long chapters.

31 January 2019

I have felt so crumby lately. I hate to talk about it because talking or writing about it usually makes me feel worse. But I don’t feel good. 

I was up later than normal last night. That might be why I feel so crumby this morning. 

I have decided to go back to my smartphone and just get a good case. The other phone was great, could take a fall like none other but it was so hard to use that I was becoming a hermit because it was so hard to type with. Typing is not my favorite, but neither is speaking. I wish I could get by without doing either some days. 

I am not happy about something I’ve dealt with that is kindness by committee of one. Everything can be great until you make one person mad. I don’t mind if I know what the rules are, but when the rules are don’t make anyone made for any reason, and if you do, their higher up, who is the committee of one will tell you and decide if you can still receive services. Sounds kind of Marxist to me. 

1 February 2019

So. So. So. 

I’m spending a lot of time at home recently. But then I go out and I’m so tired that I don’t know what I want. Yesterday I went to my sons dance. I just wanted to put my head down. I’m tired when I go to bed. I’m tired when I wake up. It’s not uncommon for me to be tired but this is something different. Maybe I had a stroke and someone forgot to tell me. 

I have so much to say about so much. Talking is just a crutch sometimes. We feel bad about something so we talk. No one can change the situation so we talk about it and hope that we might feel better, or something might magically happen. 

Maybe I feel this way because I could not talk for a long time. It is still hard for me and makes me really tired. At times it is the fastest way to communicate. 

Typing is slow as well. One finger is not the quickest. 

4 February 2019

So I will be doing some traveling. Personally I hate traveling, but it has to be done at times. Now I just got done booking my ticket. The change from day to day over this weekend has been dramatic. Saturday $1650.  I moved funds around and thought I would get it Sunday. Wrong the price went up to $2150. Ouch. I moved some more money. But I would have to wait until today Monday for the money. This morning when I look at tickets $1700. 

Crazy. 

At least I got my ticket and it wasn’t as much as I was expecting. Still if I could have gotten my ticket last month it would have been $500 less. I think I need to have enough money saved and waiting for me to use it in those situations. Money was made to be spent, just spend it wisely. 

I had my children with me this weekend. They have so much energy. They make me so tired. They are so fun.