December 28

I wasn't going to post but I decided I had better since it is still relatively early. 

I was on my way out of diner when someone called for me. This is not a regular occurrence for me. I ended up doing a complete 180 and I still didn't see her because she went behind me. She wanted me to do therapy to which I said NO. Partly because its a Saturday night. The other part is it is after dinner. I don't do therapy after dinner. 

I don't have a problem with therapy if I know when it's going to be. I never know when it may be. That is the biggest complaint. Sure it can be nice for the therapist but this is a place that you never know.  

I don't have a problem with going, just tell me when to be there.  

Well, this it is turning into to a big complaint session so catch you later. 

December 27

Well I will try to do this without going crazy tonight. 

Just to say Christmas was a lot of fun. I went to a hotel with the family. It was pretty fun and very nice to get out of here. After spending the night with the  family we all went to the house for a while and watched the kids open there presents. That was a lot of fun since I haven't been there for months.

I wasn't able to walk in the house,but it was so nice to be there I can't say, quite literally.

The presents were fun but I quite literally didn't care this year. And I got some nice gifts. It was just really nice to be with the family. 

Then I came back to my reality. Surprise. It was not as pleasant. Here the person who helped me off the toilet that night it was not the best experience. First my pats felt to low, then they felt to high, and then low again, then high again. It might seem like a small thing but its not.  It was not my best moment. I got upset about it and I haven't been upset like that for a while. I am really not proud of my self. I scared myself.  

Today was interesting. It was very uneventful in the morning. The afternoon looked like it maybe the same but then someone can and got me. That is the first thing I never know when my therapy will be or if I will even have it. Today after it was over  I tried to say they don't need to touch me the whole time,  I propably sounded like I was shouting. After I was dismissed as another angry resident I was about to go back to my room, but I had to go past the directors office so I stopped in there for a few minutes. 

I mentioned that I didn't appreciate the hands on approach very much. I don't mind the belt or the proximity. I know I can't do things so I would never ask them to be gone. But thinking you have to have your hands on me every second is a bit extreme. I was standing with no support at the other place I was and I haven't been so much as offered anything like that here.

The people are nice but seem more used to working with people with dementia and I have confused them. We will see what will happen. 

I have tried to devoted the time after dinner to writing.   People can visit, I will just move my writing to another time. Never feel or worry about interrupting me. I will try to write more later. 

December 26 happy Boxing Day

Well I had a little bit harder time this morning. In fact I didn't do much of anything. I was so tired that I didn't want to do anything. 

I went to therapy. 

I went to lunch.

 Right now I can't even remember what I had to eat.

 My family visited and went. I had a shower then I had my dinner.

 Not much has happened. 

So a few things about me and my emotions. I keep a fairly steady state most of the time. But every once in a while I have a breakdown. It seems like the emotions that give me the most problem are anger, sadness and crying, and laughter. The laughter isn't a major problem and it isn't as hard to speak around as it used to be. Crying isn't so bad ether but it is very annoying to me because most people think I am sad, and that's only true sometimes. But it's been really hard to talk around and not something I like. 

The one that could and probably has caused me the most trouble would be anger. It's not that I don't know better, I do.   but  for some reason I fly off the handle. It is like watching through a window. It's not like I want to get mad, I don't, but once I start I haven't figured out a way to stop. So may solution try not to let the extreme emotions start. 

If I look very stone faced, I am trying to avoid myself going into a very extreme emotional state. I know that some people won't understand this. That is fine. I may have been extreme before,now I have gone over the edge. 

December 24 or so

This morning sucked. I am not sure why. But before  they came to get me I hated this morning. 

I tried to play candy Cush and that was not even fun. 

I was not impressed with things this morning, I hadn't had a shower since Saturday. Sunday church was my first priority and yesterday the water was off so no one got a shower. So I told someone today. And I had my shower. 

I had some visitors and that was nice I wish they would have stayed a while longer, but it was really nice none the less.

It looks like I will have some lunch. So that is today. 

Just to give people some info. I did not realize how big my room was until my move. The room I am in now was meant for two people and I have to go down the hall for my shower. It is kind of hard to turn in the bathroom not impossible, but I have hit the toilet and walls many times. I stay in my room most of the day. I go to the dining room sometimes but I get back to my room as soon as soon as I can. Mostly because my room smells better. I would say that this place needs air fresheners badly. 

The last room was more than twice the size and it had its own bathroom.  I didn't realize how good I had it. It  was so much newer and it seemed so much cleaner. In the last place I  was, it was hard  to leave when the time came. It was like don't believe it until it happens. Well it happened. The one thing I can say that I like the most is that it is closer to most of the people that I know. It's not hard to find my way around here but I may need to lean Spanish if I end up staying a long time. Well happy Christmas to all. 

December 23 or so.

This seemed like the best day and the worst day I have had in a while.

The worst because I spilled on the new pants my wife got me thank you honey. 

The best because walking seemed to be so easy today. I know it's not a big deal to most people but now it's a huge deal to me. I didn't want to go at first. I know that doesn't sound like me to some of you. But one person had been by to see me and had said the exact opposite. But i am glad I went it ended up big really good today. 

And the lunch was really good too. 

I know it small stuff to most people,but its a big deal to me. Especially for some one like me I thought I would be home by August. 

I want to mention some things 

Getting up in the morning is not my favorite time of day. Part of the reason is I need to go to  the rest room. It wouldn't be so bad but it's a two person job,me and one other. So after I get up and get my shoes on and into my chair it's time to go to the restroom.  I need the other person to hold the door  open to the restroom for  me and then I have to get on the toilet that isn't so hard now but I have to have the other person put my pants down.  Then after I do my business I have to wait for some one to help me up. Some times I can make it by myself and some times I can't. For the time being some one wipes me if I need it and they help put my pants up. And I go back to my chair. It wasn't always so easy. Before I could stand, there used a lift.  It helped me to stand up and it was hard to see it go. Before that I used a condom catheter  and it required a lot of glue and it came off easy. And I had to number 2 in my pants. It was the worst. I will be forever grateful to the people who took care of me in that state I hated every minute of it. 

I remember the first time after I "woke up" I held myself as long as I could. I thought I would be moved to the bathroom to do my business. But I couldn't talk in a way that people could understand yet so I had to mess myself and then I let them know and I needed changed.  Some I liked better than others. I don't remember how I communicated that I needed changed so if some one else does Great.

Some people that have had a stroke don't know if they need to go or not. I have known ever since I became aware of myself.  Some people are not as lucky as I am in that regard.  They have real trouble in that regard. I had thought to write more but I am so tired I will be back tomorrow. Take care. 

December 22 or something

Well today was a bitter sweet day for me. I got to go to church which is wonderful, and my family got sick that is not. 

I wanted to walk or ride my chair the whole way but my beautiful wife suggested I take a cab which was a good idea since it was colder this evening. I still think I could probably walk/ride in my chair but that's another matter.  Lots of people at church made it kind of different.  For me having to speak loud enough to be heard and still quietly was a challenge. But it was so nice to see all the people I haven't seen for a while. It was fun and different. I didn't want to cry but I did so some things never change. In so many ways it was just a normal day at church and it was different also, I will have to think about it some more. 

My family had sickness floating around so that's way they weren't there, they didn't want too share what someone else had with them.  My lovely wife brought me some church cloths and looked like she had been working real hard. All I can say is she is tough and love you hon!!

This week has been just as eventful. The only problem,  I can't remember all the events. Unless you count candy crush as one event. So maybe it wasn't as eventful as I want to think. 

The Boy Scout troop that a lot of the boys I had known as before when they were Cub Scouts came and sang some. It was very nice to see them.  I was invited to sing with them, but I declined I was in no shape to sing. If they want to use me to earn a merit badge, the handicap awareness, I will make myself available for that. 

If for no other reason than the proximity to the church and other people would I want to stay here. The jury is still out though. The few people I have gone out of my way to meet seem ok. 

I think my back is better it has been easier to stand up and tonight seemed a lot easier. 

There are a few other things I want to mention but I am getting so tired I will do them this week.

I like to go to bed kind of early for some. 8:00 maybe 9:00.  I tried 10:00 and that was just bad, I was screaming and crying. So, I don't recommend keeping me out late. I don't really like getting up either so I have to do it real slow. And naps are not my favorite. I probably got up to fast and it hurt after I woke up, so I haven't tried one in many months. 

Well I need to go to let my brain wind down.

 

December 18 sorry

I must admitt I don't know all the facts of my condition before I "woke up ". I have been told that I looked aware of the things going on around me. If that is the case I am sorry for what I said. If I looked aware of what was going on I remember very little if anything of that time. If you want to ask me face to face I will talk about it but I don't think I remember much. 

December 15

 So if you are reading this thank your teacher. Today I am going to write about something that might make some people uncomfortable. You are forewarned.

I did not always want to be like I am now.  I had a stroke and there is nothing I can do about the fact that I did.  I don't feel any different but I move a little differently. So there you have it I think I could stop right there. I know that I do a lot different, go figure. 

A lot of what I am going to say is pure speculation on my part. If you have your own opions, please take them with you. 

I am not saying I want to die,which I don't. I have had more time to think about things, which I have. 

When I first woke up (from my coma) I had lots of time to think. I use to think like I did before  my coma and I hated the fact that I could not move and could not talk in a way that could be understood by most people.  I so badly wanted to talk, it was not funny. I remember people having there conversations and how I wanted to say something but I couldn't or when I opened my mouth it was unintelligible to most but me. 

I read thought the play HAMLET. If you don't know it, I had a version in mind ,not my first, xcaof hamlet to but him in a wheelchair but I digress. one morning I woke up thinking of one of his speeches. 

O that this too too solid flesh would melt,

Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!

Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d

His canon ’gainst self-slaughter! O God, God,

How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

Fie on’t, ah fie! ’Tis an unweeded garden

That grows to seed, things rank and gross in nature

Possess it merely. That it should come to this!

But two months dead, nay, not so much, not two.

So excellent a king, that was to this

Hyperion to a satyr, so loving to my mother

That he might not beteem the winds of heaven

Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth,

Must I remember? Why, she should hang on him

As if increase of appetite had grown

By what it fed on, and yet, within a month—

Let me not think on’t! Frailty, thy name is woman!—

A little month, or ere those shoes were old

With which she followed my poor father’s body,

Like Niobe, all tears—why, she, even she—

O God, a beast that wants discourse of reason

Would have mourn’d longer—married with my uncle,

My father’s brother, but no more like my father

Than I to Hercules. Within a month,

Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears

Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,

She married—O most wicked speed: to post

With such dexterity to incestious sheets,

It is not, nor it cannot come to good,

But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue. --Hamlet act 1 scene 2 

I am not trying to say I am having the kind of struggles that are described here. I am just saying I  understand the longings to have things very different. 

  Do I want to be in a wheelchair? Do I want to be able to talk better? Would I prefer that I was the same 

as before? No, yes and no. If I hadn't had my stroke I would have never met any of the people I have.  I

would have remained the same bastard I was.   If you don't like the word I won't  use it anymore.

The Lord saw fit to do this.  I do not know for certain but I believe it is so, Everything that has happened is for

his glory and my  good. If I would have been able to talk I would have stayed like I  use to be, in so many 

ways.  If I needed to relean how to walk its what it is.  If all this requires me to be separate from my family I will hate every minute we are apart, but I will do it. If it had been left up to me I would be dead.  

The choice was made for me. I had no say, that I remember.  Not that I am not ungrateful, I would have 

made different choices.

Please don't think that I know every thing I have said is true. I don't. I  know The Lord loves us.  I love my wife and kids.

December 11

This is a new post partly because I am in a new place and partly i am very annoyed. I didn't have my bell for the past three mornings. It wouldn't be so bad if in the morning if I didn't have to go to the restroom so badly. But three days in a row is bordering on ridiculus. I don't have much to complain about now but that. So far I have tried to be more quite than I like.  The thee therapists I have met seem to be very nice. 

I got kinda sick the one day. Being in I wheel chair made it no fun. My family has been sharing their sickness with me and form the house. I am trying not to get so upset but again when you gotta go. It is really hard to be happy in the mornings. 

I friend just came by wearing just jeans and a shirt. The one person that works here said that it was "beautiful" out. I went out and it was very nice out. I stayed outside for a minute and enjoyed the outside. 

The one pa came by for a second just some more questions.

I guess I might as well mention that today is the second day I have felt some pain in my back. It is a little harder to stand and it's not comfortable but I don't think it is serious. Well for now take care. 

December 8

First happy birthday you know who you are. And if you don't sorry 

So about the new place I have two quotes "assume the worst and you'll be half right" the other is"hypion to a satytr". 

My wife reminded me  threir is only one Beverly Hills. I didn't like to hear it at the moment but I probably needed to. -

So, I didn't get a shower since Tuesday. I didn't like it but I just stayed quiet about it. I finely had one yesterday. 

The first room they were going to put me in was just to small. I could barely get my Chair around. So they did find me a different room. And now I can move now. The room I am in was ment for two and is smaller than the last one I was in. The dresser needs a new pull because the pull on it is broken and is very hard for me to open.

The bed is not as soft and hard to move in but it is narrow and very hard to turn over in. They did switch the mattress I will give them that. 

I went out back the first day I was here I tried to ask for some help to get back in the only reason I did was because some one was going in. My arms don't work well enough to open doors that go my direction yet.  I was told  I shoułd go out front because there is an automatic door.  

The bathroom is ok it's just hard to get in most of the time in my chair  if I really needed to go then I might have a problem. 

In the last place I was I was probably the oldest. I seem to be the youngest now. Kind of interesting. 

The lady that does my shower speaks very little English but she seems to be the nicest here so far. 

The showers are in  a common shower room. Very different. 

I can't say I'm treated poorly.  But it is so different. I have shed many a tyre because of this place.  My body can do so little than it could do before. For example,  I type this with one finger. I have tried to type my hands just don't cooperate. I am not saying this to brag about myself I am just saying. 

To sum it up on this place the jury is still out on. I would like to challenge any one that has to think about sending some one to one of these places,would I want to stay. Would I be willing to stay there myself?  

Now a little of my history. 

 One day, it might have been a few I am not sure now, I remember after I woke up  (from my coma). I thought I remember not wanting to go to bed. It was probably night but I thought it was still day so I didn't want to go to bed. The people were the people I remember  from the night but at the time I thought it was day.  I was not ready to go to bed yet. The person insisted and finally I went.   the next morning I still was confused the simple fact that I couldn't talk probably didn't help. 

I also remember standing one night even though I probably couldn't and talking with someone. It was kind of different.  I am sure I wanted to say more but right now I am so tired I might accually want to take a nap, more on that later. 

December 4 new place

If first impressions are the most important i am not impressed. It is closer to home but so far that is all it is. I think I have my own room for the time being but I am not sure. If I didn't have my own room I might not be able to be able to get in the room otherwise. Iam not sure if this place is ADA compliant most of the doors outside have to be opened for me. I might see if the ADA can do any thing for me so far I don't know. 

The lunch was ok I hope dinner is better. 

I am a little bit closer to home and that is good. I am not sure what to think. I will tell you more later. So far I am unimpressed.

The people seem nice. I don't have a tv in my room. The one meal that I have had so for was pretty good. Right now it's dinner I'm going to try in and let everyone know how it is. 

In other news cogratulations Matt and connie 

December 1

I am trying something new last week was so much work. Well, thanksgiving was good. We went to the Fischer house. It was fun.  I haven't felt full sents. I was in a coma and I woke up.
    I am not sure i care as much about food as I used to. Eating is ok but far from what  I rember it.  I like to eat fine but it is not what I remember it.  
    I am sick of a lot lately. Speech therapy was pretty good. It was shorter this week.
    Recreation therapy was fun. I don't remember anything special. But it was fun. The popcorn is pretty good that I get some times.
     Physical therapy and occupational therapy. Are my favorite. The therapists are nice but I like the what I get to do. It's not very easy all the time but it seems like its still my favorite. This week was fun but more hard than other weeks. So people know i am what most people would call numb on my right side,I am not techniqully not numb i can feel hot and cold but everything else is a little harder. I can walk poorly with a walker. It seemed harder to walk this week.  I know what to do it is not as east as it has always seemed. But I did some walking and I am trying some writing too.
     I also have psychology in is not my favorite right now. I know I used to not mind it but I think I don't like it the way I used to.
So to sum up this week it has been an interesting week.
    A while back I thought it would be easy to stand and walk. I thought I could stand and it would be easy, since I had done it most of my life it is a little harder than you would think. I seem to move so slow. I sometimes wonder if people that can walk know how amazing it is. I tryed to watch other people to get the idea of how walking worked. It still isn't as easy as it seems but at least I have the mechics a little better.

November 23

Last week

This week has been a pretty good week. I have been doing a lot of therapies. I was hoping to have my diet would be upgraded but the doctor stopped the test because of aspiration fears. I was told it was the first time the test had been stopped like that. The doctors don't know what to make of me. I have been walking a lot more. It's not easy but I am standing a little taller and that is cool. I am just noticing my fingernails are getting longer and it's getting harder to type. I walked about 196 feet at the begging of the week. I am trying to stand and I can go for about ten minutes. A few months ago I thought it would be no problem to get up and easy to walk. It is not as easy as it looks. I like the therapists and the nurses are pretty cool.  When I first became aware of what was going on with me I thought a would be up in a month at most and back to my self I guess it takes a little longer. I didn't understand want had gone on. Just an example I thought I could get up and go to church on my own. It was logical to me I had done it plenty of times before why not. I did not realize my new limits yet.  Hope. All is well.  Take care. If you do or don't like this let me know.