January 30 , 2014, Thursday

This place is nice but it is really different.  It is so different I am still not sure what to think. I am not sure that I am overly apriciative of everything that all the therapists are doing. But maybe I am just a jerk. And I am need to learn to be more humble. 

I have made it a point to try to stay up until 9:00 at night. Then I can sleep a little more. 

It is very nice to be in a bigger  bed and I can roll over in. They brought a cabnet so now I have a place to keep all my clothes. And with the video Game system that was brought. I am not sure what to think. After two days of being here I am not sure what to think. 

I guess we will see. 

Tuesday January 28 2014. New place again.

Well I am in a new place again. 

It doesn't seem to be bad at all. We will see in the morning. 

It is newer like the first place was. The room is bigger. I think the food is different.  The bathroom is bigger. Seems like it might be the nicest so far. At the last place I had a roommate for one night and that was enough for me. I am a little bit prejudice I think considering the last place I was. Not about what race you are, I don't care, but it might be a little bit of prejudice about mental ability. 

One thing that this place is that they gave me an orientation of sorts. 

Well I will let you know more later right now let's see. 

Sunday January 26 2014.

It was the best of times it was the worse of times. 

My brother, just younger than me, came to visit. It has been nice to see him. It has been nice to sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing. I wish he could have stayed longer.  It was really nice.  He lives in Minnesota were it really gets cold. In many ways it was one of the best weeks in a while. I was hoping to take him to the knife show, but he had to make has way back home. It was really nice to see him. 

Now something that I want. http://www.matiarobotics.com.  Maybe some day soon.  

My friend shared it with me yesterday when she was visiting. I think it would be awesome.  I think I could use it now. I had very limited strength for a while but now I could probably use it.

Today my kids went to church with me it was very good. I had to get up kind of early but it was pretty good. 

I was told that I would have a roommate and I was told that the room would be rearranged.  That was not cool to me, the rearranging not the fact that I was getting a room mate. Well the person hasn't come yet and I am ok with that. I think if the room was rearranged I would have a very hard time with that. The first day I was here they were trying to put me in a different room and the way the it was arranged it was very hard to manouver my chair.  I went to talk with someone, and I found a nurse. She explained that the room would not have to be have to be rearranged. So I was ok. 

This has been a very eventful week.   

Wensday January 22 kinda (really the 24th)

My eyes are a thing of confusion for people. If you ask me, my body is body is broken. I have pretty good vision. I was told that it have 20/15 vision. So not to bad. 

The biggest problem. I have a blind spot I have noted in my right eye, but they did a test and it's the same in both eyes.

To try to explain this. If you consider each eye by itself draw a line up and down to divide it in half. Have another line that divides the eye horizontally in half. Now the part of both my eyes that can't see and was tested is the upper right quadrant when I am looking forward. I don't notice the left eye. The right eye I do notice. I have a difficult time seeing some things completely so I have to turn my head to the right to get the whole picture. 

I can still see to read but I have noticed sentences that just end so I have to turn my head to see the end of the sentence. I have also noticed that my right eye will feel like it is throbbing intermittently but like so many other things it comes and goes.  

And in other news, tuesday I want to the dentist.  And technically I am still in the military so I had to go to the dentist on post.  It wasn't difficult until I got there.

I had to have to go to the one on post and I didn't have my ID.  And what could have been really easy wasn't. From one building me and the nurse that was with me had to go to another building and we had to go to two  different offices before we could go back to the dentist. Thank goodness the people were nice that helped.  To make a long story short I was finally able to get got back to the dentist and we got in.  

I normally I stay in my chair when I go to appointments and this time was no different.   The checked out my teeth and then I had an impression of my teeth done twice.

that was interesting. I have had two other night guards since i had my stroke. And it was not the most painful experience but I do not do not remember having the first impression done and I was at a place that did almost every thing in house. So it was really easy. For the second We took an elevator and walked a bit. No problem.  For my first one they brought it to me the night guard. As far as I know I was still "asleep". But according to my wife I was grinding my teeth really bad. I am probably lucky I had teeth left. It is not as easy to take care of my teeth as it once was.  

Now I have an electric toothbrush and it works pretty good.  I can't even use a manual toothbrush properly.  To make long story short take care of your self and your teeth. 

January 19, 2014

Basically I hate crying now. Partly because I do it so much now. I want to talk someone. I cry. I see someone new. I cry. The sun rises. I cry. 

Ok maybe I'm not that bad. But nearly. If you thought I was bad before my stroke, I am so much worst now. 

Crying is difficult mainly because almost every one assumes your sad. Sometimes I am sad.  But I can be happy and cry  also. But whatever the reason crying is something that is extremely easy easy for me. 

It is not that I want to cry , it is extremely hard for me to talk.  It is very hard for me not to cry. I have a hypo bulbar something, that happened with my stroke. It basically means that   I can be hyper-emotional. Like yesterday I was not able to do something I had before. And I had a meltdown like I haven't had for awhile.

I tried to talk to a large assembly of people at church and it was so hard for me to get out the few words out I did it was less than pleasant for me. In order not to not cry I close my eyes when I have to talk in certain people of find myself in certain situations. But I don't know what situations will cause me to cry so please don't be to offended if I talk to you with my eyes closed.  

If you think I am making excuses, all I can say is, it sucks to be me. If you have comments that's fine.  And hope that everyone is well.  

Junuary 15 2014

So this is midweek 

Yesterday I spent a long time deleting a lot of emails. I probably could have done it earlier  but I am not sure I have been thinking  very clearly. Who knows how many more times I won't  think clearly. 

But to the point I found a message from my youngest cousin. He had sent me a farewell note that I didn't see until yesterday as I was cleaning out my email. To a certain extent I had forgotten about him. It is nothing personal to a certain extent I have this problem it is out of sight out of mind. Not for everything but I have not had certain things engrained into my head. 

At the last place I was I  found some stuff in a drawer.  I had forgotten about them because Well I couldn't see them. It made me a little upset when I found them. Not that the things were very important. But I hadn't seen them for a while and I would have used them if I had seen them. 

I am not approving hoarding, I think I used  to be a borderline anyway. Thank goodness my wife has been able to keep things  neat in spite of me. 

But let me share one more thing that I closely related. 

There are some things that I have a very difficult time reaching when someone thinks that something is to close to an edge.  Please don't move the object or please tell me if you do move something. Thank you in advance. If I use something regularly the object is probably safe. 

So why do I place things close to the edge?  Well the main reason is because it is impossible to make both my arms go high at the same time and the further out my hands go I have less dexterity. At least as I go up. Now I can pick up some things off the floor. It hasn't always been like that.  

In the past it has been very hard to do so very many things. I have had very small improvements. It is not nearly as fast as I would like it to be. But as the old proverb that I was reminded  of by a person I know, "Inch by inch life's a cinch. Yard by yard it's very very hard". 

Up until now I had been trying to live life by the yard.  A part of me still wants to.  But a have been forced to move by the inch. I have more I want to say but I better post this. 

January 12 2014

I have gotten myself a new typing program. It was kind of a birthday present. If anyone is interested I am 40 years old. Congratulations, who cares. 

So this week has been ok. I am not sure I am ok with this place, but it is a place to sleep. 

It is my intension to learn to make some animation we will see how that goes. 

It has been a difficult week. But it has been a good week. I had a different CNA (certified nursing assistant) almost everyday. That can be very demotivating. One day I kind of had a melt down. I had had a different CNA almost everyday and people didn't need me to be difficult like that. I want to be easy but at times it is so hard to control my emotions. I know that sounds like an excuse but is the only reason I have. 

This week has been kind of cold. If I can get outside here and just sit I do. So I haven't been outside much. Maybe the fact that a friend lent me a tv is part of that. 

So sleeping is ok now it was a real pain before.  Now it just sucks. At one time another person had to move me though the night move the position I was in.  I was told that it was to stop me from getting bedsores.  I had my own thoughts, mainly "Whatever". I could not move for a long time.

After a while I was able to move by myself. I was able to turn to one side by myself. I had to wake up completely and I may or may not be able to get on my side. 

Currently sleep on my back to start with and I turn to either side later.  I still have to wake up completely to do it and that is no fun the bed I am in now is not as wide as the last place I was, so I my or may not be able to stay on my side. 

Some times I can't move and so I don't I just rock myself back and forth a little. 

I my look like i am sleeping, but I am just listening.  I tryed taking a  nap once. I hurt so bad when I woke up I decided not to try it again.

Well that is all for now.   

January 8 2014.

So it was really hard to get up this morning. Not sure why but it was really hard.   I had to lay there for a few minutes for my body to work.

Just a question before we go on.  Does anyone know my password? Not sure what it is right now. 

Yesterday was my birthday. It was fun,  but in so many ways it was just a Tuesday.  Thanks for all the well wishes and gifts. 

Sometimes I think in the words of the dead milk men album, "what the hell happened to me"?  What they say in a sort of tounge in cheek humor I say with a sort of whimper and whine. 

I am told I had a stroke.  I was shown the brain scans of the MRI and I have been trying to find out more about it.  It's not very easy.  From my study's and from what other people have told me about 90% of the people who have the kind of stroke I had die with in 1-2 days. And about 90% of those die within two months. So I would not recommend it for anyone. So as some have said, I am a bit of an anomaly. 

So what else?

I was told that I had had a stroke, that I rember, by a nurse.   I didn't believe him . I am told that I looked like I knew what was happening,  nope.  I think I rember two occasions when people stopped by to see  me, but everything else was a crazy dream. 

Then one day I woke up. I kind of wish I was still "sleeping".  It was a misreble "dream", but so is my reality. 

I think I had a glimps of what life could be like for me and it is not good. I am so blessed it is not even funny.  I may hate my life right now, but it is just right now. I have a wife and kids that come to see me almost every day, thank you so much. My mom and her husband just got done seeing me and it was so nice to see them,  I can't say enough. I have the greatest brothers and sisters and their husbands and wives,thank you so much. My friends, both near and far thank you for your loving support. If you are reading this and don't think you fit into one of the afore mentioned category's,  you better think again. 

January 5 2014. (Some the morning of the 6th)

Well it has been quite a day. I got up early and went to church. Not to bad. At the end we ended up waiting  for a cab for a long time and it was cold. Not fun but whatelse is new.

For the most part I am adjusting to this place. Like I have said its a place to sleep. 

My wife and kids have been gone to see grandpa (pop pop) and the family there. Since we don't have a proper vehicle yet so I had to stay here. I enjoyed my mom and her husband here. It wasn't to bad and got to know them like I never have before. Not that the relationship with them has been bad, but now I have a new found apprication for her and her husband. Thank you. 

It seems like I have forgotten more than I would like. I went to therapy, all the therapies are starting to do a fixed schedule for me. It has been a real pain because up until now they would just show up at thier covenience. It's not like I haven't been following a schedule for a while. Oh well. 

I have been trying to figure out why people think I am so special. I guess it's because people think and find me a bit of an outlier, an anomaly. Everything seams normal to me but I don't know. I am just doing what I think I need to. 

I hope everyone is well. This post will have to be a little shorter I am just so tired. But take care all the same.  

1 January 2014

Happy new year everyone. 

I was just looking and my mind started to think about things, specifically my chair.

If I didn't have my chair what a world this would be.  My chair is very important to me. 

One day the main braker was tripped on my chair. How? I don't know. It was the strangest thing I had experienced in my time in my chair. I went into a room and I had to be pushed out. It was weird and miserable. The nurses and aids and therapists there were all trying to figure out what had happened. I have a PDF version of the manul on my tablet so I was frantically trying to find something there. 

The one nurse called over to the hospital wheelchair shop. It was the end of the work day,  and a Friday. Things were not looking hopeful.

Sents I was able to move, I as quick as I could, I searched the PDF of my chair manual and I think I found the right answer. So I let someone know and they reset my chair. A man had been called already and was on his way. I am so greatful for the help that was given at the moment my chair stopped working that day. So many people were willing to help and it means so much.

The one lady said it was me, because I was able to find the right answer. But I am so grateful for all the help. It was truly inspiring. Thank you. 

If I didn't have my chair I might go crazy. I was told I may have to go to am appointment in a different chair that some one would push. I was not ok with the idea. 

My chair is in many respects a part of me. Would I walk if I could? Yes. I can't bend down and fit into tight places like I once could. And I really couldn't move well with out it. 

So if I didn't have my chair life would be no fun. 

Just to say a little. Am I the some person that I was before the stroke?  Yes and no. 

I don't think the stroke changed me to much. I have a greater tendency to cry now (that is saying a lot) and to be hyper emotional.  

I think the biggest change to me came from being in the situation I was in when I became aware of what was going on. 

When I "woke up" I tryed to talk, but I couldn't. At least not in a way that coułd be understood. If you were to have me talk now most people say they can understand me. To me I sound the way I have for a while, so please make sure you understand me please. 

Think of everything you do with your mouth. I couldn't.  Eating, talking. I couldn't do ether. The type of stroke I had made everything hard for was ask one night if I wanted two blankets. I responded in the affirmative. Bad choice. The two hospital blankets were to much for me to move at the time. I was stuck. 

After some time I was different.  I don't know when it occurred and I am not sure how. But I am different and the same. I would say that I am better in some ways now but I can't walk by myself yet. 

Anyway happy new year.