Friday, May 30 2014

I typed a post and it disappeared. And I am just to tired.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Do I get angry. Sure so many things can make me upset it isn't even funny.   Well maybe it is. 

I try to just be "stone faced" but that can be kind of miserable. Why do I worry about it. It is just so hard on me not to get emotional right now. The other day we were eating at a fast food place and it was so hard to keep it all in I started crying a little. 

I went to visit a friend today and it was very hard not to cry there. I have to be constantly vigilant because I got so upset at my mom and her husband over stupid things that I don't know what to say. I guess the right word is sorry. There are certain people and situations that I can get really set off, I try to control it but it is so difficult. There are moments when I think I can control myself. They are becoming fewer and more spread out, but they are so annoying. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014.

So I don't known that some people will be sad. I am just to tired tonight. Writing is to hard tonight. But I will try tomorrow.  

Thursday, May 22 , 2014

So what a day. It has been very nice.   I got a ride to the va and back on the bus they sent for me. It was nice to be able to go by myself.   Kinda by myself. It was nice not to go without a "babysitter". It is so nice to not have to rely on family or friends to take me. Not that I am not grateful for all others do and have done for me. But it is so nice to be out on my own. 

I got to speak with a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. One person, a former therapist of mine was very nice to talk to. She can make me see things in a different light. This specific therapist took me to a pool with another therapist a while back. No sooner than we were all in the water than I wanted to do my own thing. I don't remember what was said exactly but it was something to the effect of "Nathan, don't get  your face in the water."  So what did I do?  I stuck my head in the water. What an idiot I was. I could have taken in water the wrong way and died. And what would have happened to the therapists well they would be left to explain how a patient in there care had died. Not the brightest thing I had ever done. 

I still think it is funny to think about. 

I do feel like I need to apologize for what I did. I still think it was funny but I am sorry for it. 

I am  more tired now that I am home.

I have been told now by two different Drs. that I don't need this one medication that I have been taking. So I might just finish the refills I have left and then not get it anymore. They say the condition does not exist anymore.  If that is the case great. If not and I still need it I guess we will see.  

I am taking more medications than I ever have in my whole life and I am still taking less than most people. I think the average person is taking 13 medications. I currently have five and will have four so I wonder who is taking my others. If the average is 13 for every man, woman, and child what the heck. 

If the medication is necessary that is one thing but it seems like more and more persons want a quick fix. 

I have been offered more meds and my answer is no. I figure they can give them to someone that really needs then. I know it doesn't work that way but it should. 

To put it another way. I take the medication I need no more no less.

Hope everyone is well. I was just to tired last night to finish things. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

This has been the craziest few days ever. I went out on Thursday and Friday of about half the day and I got home between 12:00 and 2:00. I was so tired I did not want to do anything. I just wanted to sit there. If you know me that is so unlike me. I wanted to type but that was to difficult. 

To put it nicely I have been an ass the past few days. Who am I trying to kid?  I have probably been that way for longer but most people are nice enough not to say anything. It is hard to tell what is part of my stroke and what part is just me being a jerk. There are times right now in order for me to get through and I have to close my eyes or I would be a puddle on the floor. The last time I got up to speak at church I would have been a puddle if I hadn't just closed my eyes. 

I had a conversation once and I ask my brother who was down visiting from Minnesota if he could help coach me through the situation. I am sure that there were other things  he would have rather been doing. But thanks to his help I was able to get through a very emotional charged situation with relatively few tears. Thanks bro. It is so easy for me to be emotional. I go in to situations thinking that I will keep myself calm and then I have some sort of breakdown along the way. Unfortunately it usually involves me crying or getting angry. Or maybe both. I have even had fits of laughter or a very strong desire to laugh lately but that is when I am usually by myself. I wish now more than ever I could just turn my emotions off. 

The other day I was at the park with my kids. In all of a sudden my chair would not move. I just tried to do what I could. That didn't help, so when my mom came closer I told her. My oldest son tried to help me reset it but that didn't work either so my mom caller her husband. It took him a few minutes to get there but I am used to waiting and sense we were in the shade it was not to bad. Well my step dad tried, no luck also. It was kind of strange but he finally got my chair moving again. There are two sets of controls. The one in the front for me is more obvious. There is another set of controls in the back. I am going to assume that some one at the park accidentally bumper the switch that changes the controls. It sure was a pain. 

Well if you need a wheel chair an electric one is the way to go. 

One of the things I tried this week was the manual wheel chair I have. As they were working on my electric chair and my car. I was in a manual chair. I was able to get around the apartment pretty good so I thought way not try in outside. Not the greatest idea I have ever had.  The area I was in  had a genial slope. Not to bad to go down but I was not thinking about having to go back up hill. I tried, but I did not make it very far. Finally this one lady took pity on me and ask if I would want some help. I said yes. She wheeled me to my building  and I thought it would be no problem to get in to the apartment by myself.  I guess I  was more tired than I realized. I got down the hall and in the apartment but I was having a hard time getting the door closed again. The same lady came by and offered to shut the door for me.  That was the most tired I think I have ever been.  

Needless to say this has been a very eventful week. 

Last thing I want to say is when I have been saying  father in law, I meant to say step father. Both are great men but I have been good at saying the wrong thing. 

Take care. 

Wednsday, May 14, 2014

Today is a monumental day for me. I am in a manuel wheel chair. I think I will try it more. Being in a manuel chair is kind of nice but it is a lot of work. I think I will try a half a day first  and then maybe more. 

I have been trying to decide how much I really want to do. I can tell that it makes me more numb  so we will have to see. 

I had the nurse that comes to visit. My blood pressure was to high last week this week it was back down to normal levels. I don't know why people make such a big deal about things in is not like I am sick. I had a stroke. I guess you can say I was fortunate enough to survive from. All I can say is that if you want to have a stroke but I would not encourage you to. 

It looks so nice outside today. There is a part of me that would really like to go walking through the trees right now. I know that's not possible right now first I can't walk well and second I might get my chair stuck. 

I have ask a few friends to look for some pants with snaps for me. You would think it would be simple enough but it seems to be very hard to find mens pants with snaps. I may just have to retrofit some. I love buttons but they are so difficult for my fingers right now. 

I never thought I would feel this way but I have no desire to watch TV right now. I think I am going to read the books that I have first.

I am just looking out the window. I think I need to go out for a while. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

So maybe I am just a jerk.  I would like to think it is just the fact that I had a stroke that can make me so disagreeable at times. I really don't know what to think about it today. I can get so hyper-emotional at times.

My oldest son was made a Deacon at church today. I was the one who got to do the prayer for him. Congratulations big guy. Anyway the point is it was so hard for me not to cry that I was amazed I was able to finish. Sure I was a ball baby before my stroke, but this now seems to be 10 or 100 times worse. For the most part I have the laughter under control. It very rarely happens  now so I can't control it. But the being angry and the crying seem to be another story entirely.  

Maybe I will need to excuse myself so I can make myself more agreeable. I got upset at my mother today. All I can say I  can say is I felt something snap so to speak. And before I could do anything about it I was at the point of no return. I hate it when that happens. 

My father-in-law is a very kind person who helps me so much I can't tell half of what he does. He doesn't speak a lot, but he felt the need to tell me what a jerk I was being.  And why exactly I got upset at my mom on Mother's Day of all days....ugh. 

Maybe I am just a jerk. I hope it is just part of my stroke. After today I am not sure.

Wednsday, May 7, 2014.

Can I just say I am so tired right now. I think I got a lot done. I spent some time at Brook Army Medical Center this morning. I thought the medication that was ordered for me was finally in but it wasn't ordered until resently and it wasn't in yet.  I got told it may be in by Friday but I think it got forgotten  and turner in late. I am glad I have another supply of it fore the time being. I was given an appointment with an outside psychiatrist so I could more easily get the medication. That's so nice. They just forgot to tell me. I showed up at this appointment and I heard the dr say when he went to the other room "why is he here?"  Any way it seems like a big game of pass the buck sometimes. And I am the buck. 

I went to try to see if there was any mail for me at the last place I was but I think we got it all taken care of. 

I spent a lot of this day at the VA. The lady who is my Social worker was there and I was able to talk with her for a while. I hope she will give me the news I want to hear from her I will let you know more. 

I finally went to the dentist today. It seemed like my life at the VA just got put on hold I thought it was going in for introductions an things. The dentist did an impression of my mouth four a new night guard. The dentist was very nice but so few things happened like I thought they would.

We got home and I was just so tired from this day I can't say.

There was so much that went on I am exhausted hope everyone is well

 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

"Who is more foolish the fool or the fool who follows him. "  -Obi Wan Kenobi talking to Han Solo the first of the Star Wars movies. 

Am I perfect?  Far from it. I have more than my far share of faults. My saintly mother has been a bigger help to me than anyone I know, and it is still very easy for me to get up set with things she does to try to help me. My father-in-law one day was really feed up with the jerk I was being and told me so. At that moment it was like I was looking through a plate glass window and I new better but I was not able to stop myself. I am sure that will sound like an excuse to some. All I can say is if you would like you to have a stroke in my place...I guess it doesn't work like that. Just in case you didn't know that was a joke if you didn't laugh go ahead and do so now. 

I am far from being perfect so live with that if you can. 

If you have been reading this blog or my Facebook page, you know we put out a joint statement. All I can say is I am doing my best to live like we said we would in that statement. I want to say that my wife is the person I still love more than anything. And while I may have more reason to hate her I do not. We have different options of things, go figure. But that does not mean I hate anyone. Especially my wife. 

I recently had the opportunity to work on some of our bills I do not know everything about them right now. I wish I would have had some help. I felt and thought that it was best to pay the house  payment. Partially because if you don't have the other stuff you can still live in your house. It is hard to live in your Netflix account. The other reason I paid for the house was because I got a pre foreclosure notice in the mail. I do not wish for my family to get put on the street and I do not want the option of not being able to get another house or loan. 

Now there may be different opinions about things but I want to say again I love my wife more than anything. And do not think otherwise. 

Now I am very emotional. You could probably look at me cross eyed and I would cry. I tried to say thank you to a couple of people today and it was impossible for me not to cry. My therapist that was here the other day said I should just tell people how I am feeling in a mater of fact sort of way. After my experience today I am not sure that will work. Maybe my bladder is to close to my eyes. For those people who need another cue that was supposed to be funny. 

The reason why I say that is it is so easy for me to be hyper emotional. I am hyper emotional at times and it can be hard if not impossible to contain myself.   

I have a uncle who is an attorney. I think he has worked in a few different areas but it seems that he likes the area of adoptions the most. Anyway why am I saying this. For the most part attorneys are just people that work with each other. It is more contentious than other professions but for the most part the people are just doing a job. The attorneys for both sides have to be able to work again another day and possibly against each other again. Now I am not saying that attorneys don't have a more difficult job, but for the most part it is just a job. 

I say this because before my stroke I thought that so many people were out to get me. I was probably just paranoid. I am not saying I am not now but no one has ever said anything about it. 

Am I a jerk? Yes. 

Am I thinking I am entitled?  Yes. 

Do I want everyone to like everything I do? Sure,  who doesn't. 

Do I feel like I have more than my fair share of problems?  No comment. 

All I can say right now is if you want to feel better about your own life just come and spend a couple of hours with me.