Friday 30 October 2015.......sigh.

I wish things were more straight forward concerning strokes. For the longest time I did not understand why I had the "shiver" reflex all the time. I wasn't cold but it happened all the time. One day I was reading a stroke website for one of the foundations. I learned that the "shiver" reflects is normal. Some people get it and some don't. It doesn't seem to have any effect if I'm concentrating on something. I sort my pills and it has never bothered me then. Right now while I am typing it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe the act of concentration reduces or eliminates the likelihood of it happening. 

I want to say something.  I do not appreciate some people putting things away for me and not telling me where they are. I just made a discovery of some of my pills. They had been put out of sight from me. Out of sight means out of mind. 

I know some people think they may be helping me. If I can't find it or reach it it is not helpful. Are you trying to help me or yourself?  

Because of this I am considering removing all the cupboard doors. Maybe that's a bit extreme. 

I have been contemplating my memory some more these days. And have come to the conclusion that my memory is not what it used to be. I still have an amazing long term memory. Some short term things I loose track of easily. Not sure what to do. All the tests say I'm amazing. It seems that some intermediate things can be a little more trouble for me. 

Wednsday 28 October 2015.....my thought exactly (sort of).

No man controls my destiny. Especially one that attacks down wind and smells of garlic. -Azheem. Robin Hood prince of theives (1991)

Monday 26 October 2015......so now.

So I have arrived at a moment that I understand a little bit better. 

Some people may say that I am just making excuses for myself. I might say the same thing. From what I understand I had a stroke. You can say I am using it as my excuse. Feel what you like. I can only explain. 

I like to think of myself as very smart. I have had all kinds of psychology tests and people say I'm a rock star. Some things of my memory are less than desirable. There are things that are so vague that it is amazing that I can remember anything at all. 

I can do my own finances and pay all my bills. I can read and understand all kinds of literature no worries. I can get to the store or the sonic down the street. I can do quite a lot. 

It is easy for me to forget things. I forget how badly I had been coughing at night before I was   diagnosed with pneumonia. A friend had heard me coughing and said something so I remembered. 

I worked in a sewing machine store before my stroke. This one lady and her husband came frequently. He had had a stroke. He could tell me more about the functionality of some machines than I knew. He always seemed to be upset. He wasn't. I thought to myself "what is his problem?"  "Act nice." His wife just smiled. He acted so mean and angry. He was really quite nice. 

Now me. The fact that I had a stroke has given me a better and unique perspective. I have so many things that are hard for me to understand. The external effects of my stroke are obvious. Wheelchair. Speech. Movement. There are so many small things you can't see. Mostly mental. I have discovered that I have no problem doing somethings I found questionable before my stroke. There have been lots of things I noticed myself doing that I conciously decide I need to change. The intonation of my voice. I was really monotone for some time. Before I found out I had pneumonia I could not stop myself from crying. In the middle of the summer people say it's hot. I don't notice for a long time. 

Those are a few of the things I get to learn about myself. 

I talk very slow. I wonder if there are times that my thinking process is that slow to. There are days that I can talk fast. There are days that I can't get words past my teeth. 

Some things can take me so long I give up. 

I don't know how to give up properly. I don't know how to start properly. 

Thursday 22 October 2015.....don't read to much into it. Wishful thinking on my part.

Just some quote that I thought were fun. 

I'll write more later. 

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

Richard Bach

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/richardbac136009.html#tp98YEIkW7X15HAe.99

It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lewisbsme133588.html#SateeCWTRCiEvezp.99

Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship.

Lord Byron

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lordbyron385752.html#eCc0DW8E6kZwJTrj.99

Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods.

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/deniswaitl135135.html#BI3v7O29a5KJOL6m.99

A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rainermari393352.html#2QgxVxH5g5hwt3dr.99

There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/bryanthmc168276.html#tViZRZRTYH8xsJOS.99

The one who loves the least, controls the relationship

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/robertanth125930.html#FCRSxB3oOM9dK0HE.99

Monday 19 October 2015.....lalala

I really think I am going to pause the writing of my own. I will still post. The thing that concerns me is that some think that I am a "piece of work". 

One thing that I have studied for about 27 years is personality types. I learned about "The Color Code/People Code" when I was 15. For several years I thought it was ideal. It's ok but I would say there are more easy methods to understand. 

I am more inclined to the "Insight Learning". It is similar to "The People Code/Color Code". It is more similar to the "Myers-Briggs personality type indicator". I am quite fond of both. In many ways my family thought that my obsession with "The Insight Learning" Method made me more "weird" than normal. At times I've had different levels of enthusiasm about my study of personality. Overall I think that it has much more influence on any of us than we want to give credit. We are a product of how we were raised and the external world has more influence on us than we are willing to admit. We are also hard wired in a way that influences us in countless ways. We are all unique. Just because mom and dad were a certain way doesn't mean the kids will be. 

Our personality is fixed. It is also a part of everything that makes us us. 

One of my professors from college, that introduced the concept of personality to me said after talking about it with us, "I've just given you enough information to make you dangerous."  There really is so much we don't know it's amazing we know anything at times. There is a lot that we don't understand. 

I would dare say I have shifted into a lower gear but I am still trying to go full speed. I am out of esteem. When that happens I can get overly analytical. I can analyze something to pieces. 

I can be ruthless right now. I very much do not want anyone to have to experience that. You my be smart. I dare say I am smarter. I am talking in very general term. You my be amazing at math science or whatever. My specialty is theater. Technical theater at that. If you wanted my to act and it was a tragedy you would laugh yourself to tears or cringe with horror. I was a technician and an analyzer of plays. I could help build sets or costumes from designing to building I was awesome. Not so much anymore. I do not have the dexterity to do any kind of work with my hands. I am limited to what I can type on my iPad or phone, computers are to hard. I was never the best by any stretch of the imagination. I was good. I really quite liked charter analysis. And it was very fun. It led me to a road were I became a Social Worker. I liked to analyze characters in plays. Somehow I got confused and thought I wanted to help analyze real people. Not the same thing. Similar in aspects but not the same. I like theater and writing quite a lot. I think the concepts have more application than we might think. Theater as an art form is almost to much. It is very powerful and wonderful. In this day and age it is almost self indulgent. I love it. 

I have had the dubious privilege of having many different occupations. There is more that is interrelated than we care to admit. I maybe think to much. I will survive whether you like it or not. I'm pretty sure you will to. 

There is a lot I want to write. It is probably a good thing that I don't remember what I want to express because I would most likely offend everyone I know in some form or another. If you haven't had your fill of abuse just let me know and I can laugh at you for a while. If you really want to be screamed at and told how rotten you are I ask that you find someone else to fulfill your desire

Don't leave. Don't expect much from me. 

 

Monday 12 October 2015

I have some more to say than other days. 

I know many people mean well but their choice can make life miserable for someone else. 

I am mainly thinking of nursing homes, skilled nursing facilities and similar places. They can do a great service. The thing I think we need to do some soul searching and ask is the reason in sending them there for the other persons benefit or for mine. 

My grandmother lived out the last years of her life in a nursing home. My father wanted her to live with us. The doctor I'm told said something like, "I'm sure your intentions are good but at the nursing home she will be around people she knows and grew up with," Still a tough decision but a little more palatable. 

One lady told me her mom put her dad in a nursing home despite his objections. Granted I know very little of the situation. I very much understand his objections. 

Nursing homes and skilled nursing facilities are important and offer a very good and important service. I dare say they are overused. I dare say also that many families could do more of the care themselves. 

After I had been in three facilities people wanted to send me to another. I said I was not going to another place and if they wanted they could put me on the street. This caused a lot of concern with people. Finely my mother and her husband said that I could stay with them. 

I got things set up so I could get to my appointments and the rest is history. 

Granted I am not the typical potato in a wheelchair and I never hope to be. 

I do respectfully ask that you ask me about thing. I do get very tired by things and I am more than likely to get overly emotional with people in many ways. I am always grateful for help. What I ask is are doing something for you or me. That may be a difficult question to ask and answer. Are you "fixing" something for me or yourself. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Please don't let your good intentions become my personal hell. 

Sunday 11 October 2015....remembering the best day ever.

I was so caught up in my own concerns yesterday that I forgot to brag about the best thing ever. 

Yesterday was Marcy,  my best friend, and I's one year anniversary. 

My best decision ever was to marry you. 

I know I am basically broken and can't do everything I want to for you. Everything I have to offer is yours. 

The rest of the world may have their own opinions of us. You are the best in so may ways. 

Saturday 10 October 2015....wow.

So this post?

Some people think I should move to a care facility. I have this to say. I will if you will. 

I get very tired of people talking about me like I'm broken furniture they don't know what to do with. 

It has been said to me why don't you move to Utah with your family. 

What an idea. I can't believe I didn't think of it before. That was sarcasm by the way. 

I could consider being a snow bird. I wouldn't want to stay in Utah. It's cold. Texas can be hot in the summer sometimes but at least it's not as cold as Utah in the winter. 

I love my family. I love people at church.

The one thing that I have to say is the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

There my be undiscovered reasons why I should or could live somewhere else. The simple fact is I like it here. I like the people at church. My kids are here. A lot of my friends are here. 

Just so everyone knows my life sucks in many ways. I do have a very good life in many ways. At the same time I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As I've said before having a stroke is not nearly as much fun as I may make it look. 

I am very much an anomaly in many ways. 

The most obvious is  my stoke and diagnosis. My diagnosis is Locked-in-syndrome. Most people can only move their eyes. I'm kind of lucky I guess because I can move and interact with people in many ways. There are some things I can't do while I'm sitting up. There are things I can't do while laying down. Such is life. 

Next I am an anomaly because of my birth. I am one generation removed from the Great Depression. My father was born in 1939 the year most say was the last year of the Great Depression. I would dare say that because it was a very small community my dad was born and grew up in the effects lingered there longer. I was the only one of my siblings to know my dads father in some form personally. He died in 1976 at the age of 74. My cousin that is the closest in age to me on my fathers side is ten years older than me. My father was the youngest in his family. My mother the oldest child in her family. My dad was ten years older than my mom. 

I was born in 74. My siblings and I could be considered the children of my Grandma Aleda's old age. I remember going to visit her once when I was in college. She was living in a care facility by that time.  I arrived unannounced. As soon as I turned the corner into the room she stayed in her face lit up. It was like nothing I had ever seen. She was a tough lady. I have compared myself to her many times. She had two strokes. She carried on amazingly though all of it. My mothers parents are a tough act to follow. I've never known kinder or more generous people. 

Back to me. I do a lot for myself. It is surprising to some people how much I can do. If I had to do more for myself I could. When I have to do more for myself I usually end up bawling or swearing. Neither one is good. I hate needing people to help me with things. I've had to learn to accept help from others. Not the easiest thing for me to do. There have been times when my emotions win and take control of me. I say something and I am left to my own devices.

Everything I do requires a lot more energy than I think it should. Life is like that. 

I have things I want to do. I have been visiting the veteran organizations to see if they can help somehow. I will try to ask my VA Doctor. It seems like I end up doing things the hard way.

I went to the VA for X-rays and some other things. It seems like I go out for an appointment and it ends up being an all day event.

I don't know why my mind automatically goes to the most complicated solution for a problem. I have been thinking about this one concern for months. The ideas I have are great. The best solution just needs a screwdriver. I am glad I finely came to the realization that a solution could be so simple. I've been doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to come up with a solution. I'm glad I thought of it before I spent any money. 

I feel that I need to express something. At the church I attend we teach "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."  Now I know there are lots of different interpretations of this. Simple fact I really don't care if you worship the rock in your front yard that's your choice. Whatever the teachings are just do your best to live by them. Are there Latter-Day saints who I think are jerks?  Of course. Are there people who claim other faiths that are jerks?  It happens. The one thing I  will say further is this. I think that most people who read this claim to be Christian. John 14:15  "If ye love me, keep my commandments." Also John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Nuff said

Simple fact I can be a jerk like it was nobody else's business. I really hate it when it happens. I keep myself on a very tight leash so I don't become an emotional jerk. The more pleasant emotions can be a pain as will. Each there own kind of annoying. There are moments that I cannot control what comes out. One day I just couldn't stop laughing. Not a problem until I try to do something physical. I have very little control of my body then. My wife can make me laugh easily and it can be very hard to do things. I am an emotional basket case.   

I've said to much. Have a nice day. 

  

Monday 5 October 2015.....let me be somewhere else today.

Well I want to get myself back on the schedule I have for myself. I can keep myself on a pretty tight leash. Some things I have to. Other things not so much. 

Pneumonia. Kids stuff. Paint. Yeah. 

I guess I have a very different perspective of "stuff" than many people. If you want to, ask me ask me sometime. If you don't want to, don't. 

Thursday 1 October 2015....meh

I would have to say that my life is a pain. 

Monday I felt awful. 

My eight year ago old said to me as I was holding him,"Daddy, when are you going to feel better and not be in your wheelchair?"

Kind of funny that he associates my being in a wheelchair with not feeling good. It looks like I need to do some explaining to him. 

I really  do feel quite well. I have days, especially recently, that I get tired and don't want to do anything. 

If I get tired my emotions are hard if not impossible to control. 

I can be quite disagreeable when I am tired. I hate what I become like. 

I guess I need to stop making excuses for myself. 

My advice don't have a excuse, l mean stroke.