Monday 26 October 2015......so now.

So I have arrived at a moment that I understand a little bit better. 

Some people may say that I am just making excuses for myself. I might say the same thing. From what I understand I had a stroke. You can say I am using it as my excuse. Feel what you like. I can only explain. 

I like to think of myself as very smart. I have had all kinds of psychology tests and people say I'm a rock star. Some things of my memory are less than desirable. There are things that are so vague that it is amazing that I can remember anything at all. 

I can do my own finances and pay all my bills. I can read and understand all kinds of literature no worries. I can get to the store or the sonic down the street. I can do quite a lot. 

It is easy for me to forget things. I forget how badly I had been coughing at night before I was   diagnosed with pneumonia. A friend had heard me coughing and said something so I remembered. 

I worked in a sewing machine store before my stroke. This one lady and her husband came frequently. He had had a stroke. He could tell me more about the functionality of some machines than I knew. He always seemed to be upset. He wasn't. I thought to myself "what is his problem?"  "Act nice." His wife just smiled. He acted so mean and angry. He was really quite nice. 

Now me. The fact that I had a stroke has given me a better and unique perspective. I have so many things that are hard for me to understand. The external effects of my stroke are obvious. Wheelchair. Speech. Movement. There are so many small things you can't see. Mostly mental. I have discovered that I have no problem doing somethings I found questionable before my stroke. There have been lots of things I noticed myself doing that I conciously decide I need to change. The intonation of my voice. I was really monotone for some time. Before I found out I had pneumonia I could not stop myself from crying. In the middle of the summer people say it's hot. I don't notice for a long time. 

Those are a few of the things I get to learn about myself. 

I talk very slow. I wonder if there are times that my thinking process is that slow to. There are days that I can talk fast. There are days that I can't get words past my teeth. 

Some things can take me so long I give up. 

I don't know how to give up properly. I don't know how to start properly.