Friday 12 June 2015......just thinking. Yea I gotta stop.

I have been reflecting. I had a stroke on the left side of my brian. That is the side of your brain that is which deals with more logic and reason. The right side of the brain is more used for emotions. Now I can be very logical. In fact I could most likely run logic circles around many people. The thing is the right side of my brian is fine. It is the more emotional side. The right side of my brain probably overwhelms the left side and it is very easy for me to get emotional. I can get so emotional that I hate what I can do sometimes. It's like I know very well what is proper but the emotional part of my brain takes control of the situation. I can be very calm and logical but that means I have to remain very stone faced most of the time. So there are times that I am very expressionless. That doesn't mean that I am not having fun. 

I can cry uncontrollably. I can laugh uncontrollably. My emotions are a mess. 

There are days when it really sucks to be me. 

I have thought that if I had had my stroke to much earlier in the over all time line I probably would not have survived. I'm not sure exactly what the time frame would be. I am pretty sure there would have been a time that in the early stages of my stroke that I would be left for dead. Not that I want to be dead but that's a different story. 

Thursday 4 june 2015.

So many things. 

I got to see my newest niece. She I so cute. My brother and his wife really mixed them well. 

I went to my nephews graduation. That was fun. But like so many other people might say I can't believe I'm that old. I learned something after the graduation about my self. Eating ice cream before bed is a bad idea for me. I had a milkshake earlier and that was not bad but I think that because the ice cream is more consternated I can really mess up my personal heat regulating system. I ate the ice cream and within a few minutes I felt like I was freezing. I wrapped up in blankets and I even asked my sister to get another one for me. We went to bed but I spent a long time not sleeping. I woke up my sister and ask her to feel how cold I was. The thing was she felt much cooler than I thought I was. I had somehow overheated my self and Who knows. 

I think that there is something different about how my heating/cooling system works now. I have had similar things happen in the past. It may not be the only possible explanation but all the pieces seem to add up. 

I got to see lots of family members that I haven't got to see for a while. It was very nice to see them. 

For those of you that need me to remind you, I'm married. She is amazing. I don't know how I became so lucky. We just got a new vehicle. A Mercedes-Bins Sprinter. It is a big van. Between the two of us we have 7 kids. With her and I that makes 9. This is the only vehicle that can hold more than 7 people and be at least half way cool and comfortable. Yes believe it or not. A person that is 41 can still worry about being cool. But since I am in a wheelchair I am not easily forgettable. There is a lady that lives near my wife that also works at the airport there. She went to my wife because they saw my name on the roster for people flying in and they new my wife has ramps that would make loading or unloading my chair easier. I love smaller towns. If it wasn't for my kids and the fact the VA is far away and limited I would move in a second. 

So many things have gone on the past month it is really hard for me to even tell you about some of them. 

Thursday 21 May 2015.......lets eat.

I have been thinking. Yes I know that can be a very dangerous pastime. But I have been thinking that in order to make life more fun I would try to make some homemade energy bars. The reason is I don't like to take pills and I do like to eat. If I can find ingredients that have what I need in them all the better. I know that would be impossible though. I was looking for this one thing and there are things you can get it from naturally. The problem is you would have to eat 19,000 almonds every day. I like almonds but that many would be ludicrous. My wife was kind enough to point that out. And almonds are the highest naturally occurring source. So I think power/energy bars are the way to go. I have been doing my research and trying to find some recipes. Very big job, thank goodness for the Internet.  It gives me some other ideas. 

I have been trying to get some different things for cub scouts going. That can be as big a job as could ever be some days. From my boys to being responsible for the committee in charge of overseeing everyone it can really keep me busy. The worst is when I get so tired I can't do anything and I just have to sit there and everything that I need to do still needs to be done. Some people might say just do it. I used to think that way. It can be very hard to do anything if you have no energy. When I am working on something and suddenly my energy level falls to almost nothing. There have been times when I have been with my kids that I just fall asleep. There have been other times that we have done something and afterwards I try to do something and I just end up bawling because I am so tired. There was a time that my little girl ask me to help he put her shirt on. I couldn't turn it right side out so we could put it on her, she had to go ask grandma or grandpa to help. I really want to bawl because I can't do what one would think are the simplest things some days. 

I say it jokingly usually but in all seriousness don't have a stroke. Do whatever you can to make sure it doesn't happen to you. Feel free to use me as an example. Just do your best to make sure you don't have one. I am really not sure what I could have done differently if anything. I guess it was my turn somehow. Again, don't have a stroke it's not as much fun as it looks. 

Monday 18 May 2015.....whatever

So life is very confusing right now. I have been taking some supplements and I didn't know they were working until I ran out of them.   I was about to bawl the other night. Some things seem to not have a noticeable effect until I quit taking them.   I have noticed that other people have a similar reaction to medications. I am not a big supporter of excessive use of medicine or supplements but I really try to only use what seems to work for me. In many ways if it were not for my wife I would never know how effective some things are. I am so grateful for her finding what she did for me. 

This last weekend we got to see my brother and wife and there beautiful new baby girl. She is amazing. It was so nice to see everyone. There was only one of my brothers that was not there but that is how life works. I got to see a cousin that I haven't seen for a while. It is funny I think to see him with his wife and 2 1/2 kids. I guess that means I am getting old. 

Just so everyone knows I don't recommend having a stroke. It is not as fun as it might look. It can really cause you to do things that you would never want to do before. I keep myself quite most of the time now. Not because I want to be quite about things because I really don't want to but I have a point of no return that is to easy to get to and practically impossible to avoid.  I would never recommend that anyone hold their emotions in because that can be very unhealthy.   I hate how life is for  me now it can be almost impossible for me to cry or it can be to easy. When I saw my brothers and sisters yesterday it was to easy for me to cry. I hate it. It makes it really hard to talk to people. I have tried to talk with many people and being what is considered appropriate is beyond me. I do not know why. I become overly emotional. I really don't want anyone to have to experience my ugly side. I am very sorry for those people that have. 

Once upon a time I was an interrogator for the military. It sounds more cool than it actually was. It wasn't miserable but the military makes everything unfun. It helped me to think through things in a more logical way. I was able to use those skills to help other people from time to time. It is not that I don't want to help myself or others. Helping someone to think unemotionally is draining emotionally, that I really can't do it anymore. I try to help myself some but I get so tired and overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. 

There are things I could do but I really hate the emotional crap that gets stirred up. There was a time when I used to think "what a crock". I guess I know different now. 

Monday 11 May 2015.

So I guess the Honeymoon is over. All kinds of no fun. 

I do want to say that Marcy is the most amazing lady that could ever be. I have more than my share of faults. I am sure that people could tell you about them for hours. 

One thing that people have mentioned to me, and that I have noticed lately myself is how immature I can act. I think I am acting rational but then I notice that I am not. I try to just stop talking or doing anything. Usually everything I end up doing is misinterpreted and the situation is worse than it started. 

Long story short don't have a stroke. In makes the whole game harder than it was already. 

In other news we went to my wife's mothers for lunch on Mother's Day. It was a lot of fun and the food was awesome. It just seemed like the food would not stop. In was really good. 

We saw my wife's brothers house and the house she grew up in. It was a very nice day with her and her family.

Long story short we had a great time.  

Tuesday 5 May 2015......(raspberry)

I want to clarify. My family could tell people how amazing my wife is. I noticed how unclear my writing was from last time. 

I am really not sure what I want to say. There is so much that seems to be going on that I want to say so much but it can take me so long to write about things that I don't want ....

There are so many things that I want to say. Basically life is no fun for me in many ways. I really do have a very good life. I do dislike many things that I have to do.  I try to figure out how to do things less. One thing that has changed a lot for me is the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to. The fact is if you drink you have to pee. It's not that really something that I like to do a lot. Please don't think I am trying to dehydrate myself. I'm not. I know how much that that can hurt physically or other wise. I am really not a fan of how difficult it can be to have to go to the restroom. Again take your comments with you. 

I am really not afraid to do somethings that needs to be done or I feel I should do. When I was in the hospital a little over a year ago I noticed how long my toe nails were getting. The ladies that helped me shower tried to give me some reason why they could not. Whatever. So after they finished getting me dressed I proceeded to cut my own toe nails. Not an easy process by any means. I had to take off my shoes and socks. Then I cut my toe nails. My hands have this habit of shaking like crazy. That was done. Then I needed to put the shoes and socks back on. To this day I have no idea how I was able to get them on, but I did. And no one was the wiser.

I have been thinking of some exercises that I want to do. There are quite a few. I don't want to turn into a potato.   

Thursday 30 April 2015.....point of clarification.

I want to make a bit of clarification to the last post. 

I do not hate my ex wife. I hope she has a good life. 

It certainly is not fun to be me. 

I am married to Marcy. She is so amazing I know I could never tell you enough of how amazing she is. I love her dearly and her boys are amazing as well. I could never write enough about how amazing she is. I hope my brothers and sisters could and my mom and her husband. I just wish there were more hours in the day that I could spend with her.