Wednesday, 12 August 2015....did you really read the title of this blog. If I were dead I'd tell you.

So I went to my family reunion. It was lots of fun. My grandmas family was in charge of doing things. I will admit that I hate not being able to help. I can do a very good job of getting in the way. So if you feel like you need some assistance with someone getting in the way I would be glad to help with that. 

It has been a lot of fun to see everyone. It is kind of odd because we all seem to be getting older.   Not sure how that keeps happening but maybe it will stop. That last sentence was meant to be sarcastic. 

I am not sure I like the way everyone thinks I am such an anomaly and so special. I know I am but I am not sure I like how some people make such a big deal. If you were to look on the internet and look up "locked-in-syndrome" you will mostly see persons that can do a lot less than I can. If you want to see a movie about my diagnosis "The diving bell and the butterfly." Is a good example. My mom said it made her feel claustrophobic. If you want to watch it have fun.  I am getting better at accepting some complements and other praise they feel they have to throw at me. In many ways I am just a normal guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time. I just do it a lot slower than most people. 

We stayed at a motel a little ways away from my reunion. There are others but they were built before ADA was the rule. If any changes have been made they were cosmetic. No structural changes, so no need for them to do anything major. 

One thing that I am not very good at doing is letting other people do things I feel I should or can do myself. I will try to do something myself. If it is something I can do myself great. At times I can't do something and I have to ask for help. Then there are the times that I have been able to do something and for whatever reason I can't do it again.  I look at some of the things I have done and I wonder how I was able to do it?  I guess I had enough tenacity that I was able to do it. I remember that I had to cut my toenails when I was in the hospital. I asked and the people seemed to be passing the buck and doing their best to avoid the subject. Somehow I took off my shoes and socks and cut my toenails. Then I put my shoes and socks back on. How I was able to do it all I have no idea. I did it but I really don't know how. I feel that way about many things I have done. I think I must have had a real big desire to do some of the things done.

The thing is I can do a lot of things but some things are so time consuming that I really hate how long it takes me. There are some people that get tired of how long it takes me to do things and they offer to do something because they can do it faster. There are the people that don't offer help for whatever reason. I am not sure I know how to feel about either. 

 

Friday 31 July 2015.....on vacation.

On vacation. On holiday. 

Friday 17 July 2015.....heres to new beginnings.

So I have been thinking for a long time. I know that is hard to believe for some people but hopefully you will get passed all that. 

We have lots of muscles in our body that we don't think about. Some are very obvious because we see them despite our skin.  There are lots that we never think about. For example everyone has to pee. We hold it as long as we can at times. The fact is our body is full of muscles that we don't think about. I have had to build my strength in all my muscles and that can really be a pain. 

The simple fact is I am what you could say is messed up. I am an emotional mess some days.  I am far from "normal". 

My emotions are a real pain. I hate having to be "stone faced" most of the time. I can have and do have all the same emotions as anyone. I really have to keep myself on a tight leash some days. I can laugh uncontrollably. I can cry uncontrollably. I can get angry uncontrollably. All emotions can be a real problem for me. It can be a real problem for others as well and if others have have a problem then I have more. It is really is a pain for me. Those people that knew me before my stroke knew me as a person that relied on my emotions a lot. I cant use emotions like I once did. 

I really hate the way this stroke has changed so many things for me. But I guess that is the one constant, change. 

I want to say a little about and to family now. 

Marcy, my wife, I love you more than anything. You are the greatest person in my life. I am so incredibly blessed and lucky to have you in my life. I wish I could do more for you. I love you more than anything and life would be worthless without you. 

My 16 year old step-son. You are amazingly smart. I always thought I was smart but I bow to the real smart man. We will always fight for you. 

My 13 year old stepson. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen. You support your mom so much and are a very hard worker. 

My 2 year old stepson. You are so cute and have so much potential. Your mom and I want everything good for you. 

My 13 year old son. You will always be my big dude. You are so amazing. 

My 10 year old son. You are the definition of smart. I am truly amazed at everything you do. 

My 8 year old son.  You are the definition of you. You are a true original in every way. 

My 5 year old daughter. You are my warrior princess. The only person tougher than your brothers is you. 

I am sure I could say more but I stop there. 

Wednesday 15 July 2015......hm.

I have several things to say. Some good and some not as pleasant. 

First, I would have to say I am very unimpressed with the customer service with Vivint, the home security company. I have been trying to remove my name from the account that was attached to my former house for a year. The final straw was the fact I had made a payment to close the account. I received a bill in the mail. I called and was told that if I wanted to close the account I needed to pay off the account. Since I had already done this and the deduction was showing through my bank I was very upset. I am less than impressed with the customer service with the company. I do have to say it is a very good product and service that is provided. Since I had to work so hard to get out of a contract because of my divorce I am less than impressed with the company. I know people that work for the company and they are very wonderful people. I am less than impressed with the help I have received on the telephone over the last year. 

Next I have been taking some pills and supplements for a while. And they help a lot. I have never been a fan of the idea of supplements. Prescribed pills I have always thought were ok. My wife has helped me to rethink things. I am very grateful for her knowledge and insights. Maybe I will get smart if I listen to her. 

The first supplement that she found for me is amazing. It is approved by the equivalent of the FDA in several countries. It is an naturally occurring substance. I ran out of the pills for a few days and life was very miserable without until they got to me. 

The other supplement is amazing also. If I don't take it I have very low energy. It is naturally occurring and at one time I thought I could eat the naturally occurring food that have the substance. 19,000 almonds a day is ludicrous. My wife helped me to see that. 

I an not as nearly convinced as I used to be. I'm no dummy, but I'm not as bad as I was. Now I have all new stupidities to overcome. I am very grateful my wife isn't afraid to point out the error of my ways. Thank you honey. 

The final thing I have to say is about my mother. I have decided that I will live by the idea, "if you can't say anything nice. Don't say anything at all."  Maybe that is to simple for some people. I have this thing I like simple because it is not complicated. There are a few people that I have discovered I can not talk to because I have such an emotional response. Unfortunately my mother is one of them. I need to let the whole world know that she is great. After I had my stroke she came from Utah to Texas to visit me multiple times while I was in the hospital. She and her husband moved to Texas to support me and complete a mission for our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormon church. I stayed with them at there apartment for a year and I am very grateful for the help that I have received from them in so many ways. 

People my think that me choosing not to talk shows I don't like them. I would rather people think of it as a kindness. I really do not want to be thought of as the angry guy in the wheelchair. People will think what they want. That is life.  

Thursday 9 July 2015.....so.

I know this may come as a surprise to some people. I had a stroke. I am in a wheelchair. I can't reach very far or lift very much. I wish someone would have told me before now. I would have played the sympathy card and maybe it would have worked. I wish someone would tell me these things. 

In case you couldn't tell that last paragraph was meant to be sarcastic. 

The fact is I had a stroke. There is nothing that can reverse that fact. Do I wish it hadn't happened?  Of course. The simple fact is I have an amazing life. I could complain about life all day but what good would that do. People would probably say there's just another angry guy in a wheelchair. What good would that do?

To start I have the most amazing wife that there could ever be. In one word Wow. She is definitely one of a kind. I love you Marcy and want to keep you always. 

We have some amazing kids. They can all be so fun and they are great. 

Our families are a lot of fun. I would say I have got to be the the most boring person in my family or my wife's. Nieces and nephews are all so much fun and keep us all in line. 

I love San Antonio were I live now. I love Utah were I am from, my wife is, and where most of our family are. 

I love working with the Cub Scouts and hope I can do some good with that. 

There is so much that I could say because life and the Lord are so good. 

I could be angry about so many things. Just because I do not talk is not a reason to think that I am mad. You can think whatever you want. I go by the thought from the movie "Bambi". If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. I have tried to stay "calm" on several occasions and while I know and even practice what I would like to say. Then everything can go out the window and I can act like the biggest idiot ever. If you want to argue with me when I'm in that state of mind you can but what does that say about you?  

On a different note. I have a lot of stuff and if you want to come over and get anything you are welcome to. My thought is that if someone isn't using it, its not being loved properly. I have no way to use things. I need to find sewing machine pedals to give to my sitter but everything else is up for grabs. Let me know if you want to look or want something. I have set aside everything I want or intend for someone else.                                

Monday 6 July 2015......that's my life.

I really don't like a lot about my life right now. It can be so hard to do something's that life is a lot less fun. 

I went to the fitness center at my apartment. (About time I got of my lazy butt.) It is very hard to get my chair around and impossible for me to make adjustments on the equipment. 

I have been trying to pick up this towel that I use to stop water from getting all over the floor of the bathroom when I shower. I think it has been hurting my back to pick it up. And having a hurt back can make everything unfun. 

I moved some books that were needing moving. It took me a long time. Everything can take me a long time. 

I unlocked the door for my apartment. That can take me a lot longer than I would like. 

I mostly use my tablet computer. Using the desktop or laptop is ridiculously slow. I avoid it as much as I can. 

Keeping my table or counter "straight" is almost impossible. Once things are organized I try not to touch anything. 

If I have to take any kind of papers somewhere, I try to make sure I have a folder. I have a backpack I carry with me so anything important won't get messed up. 

I have several boxes that need moved. I can push some with my chair but that might damage what's inside the box. 

If I have to go to the bank, if I'm lucky I someone can drive me. Lots of times I just go in my chair. I bought an orange shirt that can make me more visible.

If I go somewhere that doesn't have a handicap accessible bathroom my wife convinced me that I need to just wait for her and she will help me. If I don't wait I will most likely break something. Very uncool. 

I have lots that is very difficult about my life. Not that I have a bad life or anything. I have a very good life. The best thing about it is Marcy, my wife. She is amazing in so many ways. I have wonderful children and step-children. If you want me to run you over with my chair just do something against them. There are so many people that are so important to me. 

Thursday 2 July 2015...the real independence day. Check your history.

This has been a very wild week. My boys had Cub Scout Day camp and that was a lot of fun. I have to be a little more careful how my boys hang things on my chair. I accidentally drug one there backpacks and ran it over before I noticed what I had done. So since they would be going on a nature hike. I went to get new backpacks. The back packs have a hydration system and the boys seem realły excited to drink water and stay hydrated. 

While I have been here a lady ask me if I would like to be on staff for Woodbadge, the adult leader course. Very flattering. The thing is I can do get so tired that the idea scares me.  

I have been ask to do other things and invited to do other things. I get so tired that I want to bawl.

Trying to get around here is very tricky at times. There is one station that I impossible for me to get to. 

I had to take one day before I felt I could do anything. There is a lot that I want to do but it can be truly impossible for me. Not just because I can't walk well. I can get so tired that it is really hard, and sometimes impossible to do things. Like it's been said "sleep can make cowards of us all." I can really lose a lot of control of myself when I get tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I get beyond irrational as I get worn down. Some people say I do things and forget. All I can say is maybe. Everyone forgets things.