Thursday 26 November 2015.....Happy Thanksgiving.

I have been contemplating. 

Actions speak louder than words. 

Also

Actions speak louder than coaches. 

Both have there own degree of truth. 

I heard a quotation by  Ralph Waldo Emerson: “What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.”

The concept of what we do and what we say has been around for a long time. I am really one of the worst people to watch in many ways. I try to be as sweet and kind as I can in as many ways as I can. There are times that the effects of my stroke can take such control of me that I truly pity whoever gets in my way. 

I am a mental health Social Worker by training. If had the opportunity to sit in both chairs. As the patient and the helper. I don't feel like going to one would help a lot. I know how the game is played and I'm not up for that. Maybe they could help but that is another story. I find that talking with others works better. I have just had to learn to be brutally honest with myself. Not always the easiest. I will admit I don't like it when others ask me some hard questions. I just have to keep in mind that I am not perfect. Others aren't either. 

In my scripture reading I came across this again. 

My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation.

 For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.

 Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.

 Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.

 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

 For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:

 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.

 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

 Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

 Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.

 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.

 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.

 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

(James 3, New Testament.)

The next chapter is good and helpful also. 

 From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?

 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.

 Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?

 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.

 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

 There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.

 But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.

 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

(James 4)

I have been doing a little more reading 

 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy name, and fools shall have thee in derision, and hell shall rage against thee;

 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek counsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.

 And thy people shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.

 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in honor; and but for a small moment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce lion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever

 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

(Doctrine & Covenants: 122)

I hope no one thinks I hold myself in such high esteem. I am really the least of the least. Like anyone I have my times when I think that I can do no wrong. The fact that I had a stroke gives me a unique perspective and I see things in a very different light. My insight is different. I don't encourage anyone to have a stroke to gain insight. 

I am in my manual chair for a few days. Very difficult for me. I can only push myself so far. If I'm on carpet it's even harder. I want to practice more with my manual chair but the last time I did l had to use the restroom so badly that it was hard for me to get into my electric chair. 

I really do think that I am beyond broken some days. Physically it is very hard for me to do somethings. Emotionally I am beyond messed up in so many ways. Spiritually I have had to learn how I can get answers all over again. Mentally I seem to catch myself at times, but nothing that is quantifiable.

I hate so many things about my life right now. Who would want to be me? 

Thursday 19 November 2015.......sigh.

Once upon a time I worked as a mental health professional. It sounds a lot cooler than it was. This one lady had been coming in for a while. I could not figure out what seemed to be troubling her. In an effort to get a better picture of the subject and the situation I ask her to have her husband come in. Now three years later I can see what part of the difficulty for the lady was. It was her husband. The person someone would hope would love her more than anything, was not allowing her to live down a problem from their past. The situation could have easily been reversed. I have begun to wonder how often we hold on to something from our own past or someone else's past. We are all well past perfect. We don't need someone else to actively remind us about how crumby we were and are. Hopefully others can help us see the good and the potential that each of us carry. It's a pipe dream I know. 

When I was in Officer Candidate School one of the instructors gave us an object lesson than was very hard to forget. We all had "smart books". If we didn't refer to them he gave us a rock to carry. Before the end everyone was carrying a rock. We had very little time and I have no idea how we could possibly look something up. That was part of the lesson. Are we using our resources and references? Are things that could help us weighing us down and becoming extra weight? Why don't we use them?  Are we weighing down our spouse or significant other. Are we doing our best to make the other person feel miserable? Wouldn't it be better to make other people feel better. 

Life sucks sometimes. That is not a reason to sacrifice another persons happiness. Someone once told me that in order to make sure I was happy most of the time I should focus on others needs.  I may need to do that more. 

There are so many reasons that I could be upset about life. That would not help if I shared them all. For the most part no one really cares. We my say we do, but we all have our own troubles. I'm not saying we shouldn't help each other. When it comes down to it.  Are we talking so that others can hear our thoughts or is help and helping really needed? It's a tough call we all have to make individually. Good luck. We all need it. 

I have been going to a gym. It can have its very challenging moments. I said I wanted to focus on activities on my left side. The one person felt that that could mean I could do the activities on my left side while standing. Bad idea. I think it took more energy to stand and do exercises than was reasonable. Just standing required more energy than the exercises I would say. I may look tough. I would say my 5-year-old could thrash me if she wanted to. 

Tuesday 17 November 2015......same old stuff again.

So I do have more to say and I will put it here. I hope you don't mind. 

In case people don't know, I had a stroke. I would hope it's obvious by now. Somedays I wonder. 

I think some people have a mistaken understanding that my stroke made me a more pleasant person or only effected my body. In many ways it may have. I really doubt it had much effect in making me more pleasant. If anything I would dare say that it made me more inclined to insist on my own way. 

Can I be sweet and kind. Sure. In fact I insist I be most of the time.  I would say I have to be sickly sweet so that people can tolerate to be around me. I can really be downright nasty and mean. 

My mother and her husband came and lived in San Antonio for a time partially to help me. I am forever beyond grateful for the time that they were here and the assistance they provided me. My mother mentioned once that she was very tired of me acting so rotten to her. I have been thinking about why I did. It has only taken me over a year and a half to come to a possible understanding of why I may have acted like I did. 

I was in some kind of facility for a year. I don't recommend that for many reasons. My mother and her husband came from Utah to Texas multiple times to visit. I would venture to guess that I was so "starved" for attention that it was very easy for me to be "nice". After my mom was here full time I got the attention I was in such need of. I was able to be nice for a time but for whatever reason I arrived at my breaking point and I could go no further. 

Am I a "jerk" because of my stroke? I would love it if that were the reason. Am I just a just a "jerk" and my stroke has made it worse? I hope not. The simple fact is I have to put forth a lot of effort to be "nice" when it would be so much easier to just be the "jerk". In many ways I guess you could say I am at my breaking point right now. 

I started going to a gym that specializes in working with people in wheelchairs. I wasn't feeling overly emotional about anything.  If I opened my mouth it was impossible for me not to cry.  I hate how that happens. It leads lots of people to wrong conclusions. We can all cry for lots of reasons besides the fact we may be sad. 

If I am really in trouble I will let someone know. I get very bothered that people automatically apply the same "rules" to me as they do to everyone else. Maybe that is a good thing and a compliment. The fact is I had a stroke, a brain injury. In many ways the normal rules don't work for me. I am not saying that I shouldn't be held to them. It's almost like asking a basketball team to play using football rules. I'm sure you can but it would make a lot of complications.  All I think is most days I'm as messed up as a football bat. Yes I know, I know. 

Saturday 14 November 2015.....watch out.

A movie that I like a lot is "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". The book is great also. I highly recommend reading it or rereading it.   I recommend the most recent movie. The main character Arthur Dent lays in front of a bulldozer in order to stop his house from being demolished. A person tells him his house needs to be remove. Arthur's response, "We'll see who rusts firsts."  I quite like that response and feel that way myself at times. 

I have a lot to say. If you read or share this with your kids I suggest you review what I say from here on out before you do this time. There are no "bad" words. It might be kind of concerning what I say. Your call. 

I can be ruthless. I do not like that part of me. It exists none the less. 

I can usually see a better way. Some times it is impossible for me to go that way. Once I start down a path it is very hard, if not impossible, for me to change my course.  I have tried and failed. Not times than I care to think about. I can "see" a better way but for whatever reason I cannot change course. I can "stop" myself with considerable effort but by then the damage is usually done. 

I have be thinking about what to post for a few days now. 

I posted this the other day. 

Linus:  My lifestyle makes your lifestyle possible. 

David: I resent that. 

Linus:  So do I. 

Sebrina (1996).

I am sure people have their own thoughts about why I share that quote. I dare say whatever you think is most likely wrong. Money is not something I am overly concerned about. I do have my concerns about money but not as many as some would think. Like has been said "they are printing more of it (money) every day."

I am an intensely private person. Pretty much impossible for me now.  I have never liked people to talk about me or my situation. To bad for me, especially since my stroke. I had a stroke. In many ways I would say leave it at that.  There is nothin l, or anyone can do to change that fact. The fact that other people talk about me as if I am some sort of "entertainment" bothers me incessantly. There have been times when I excuse myself to leave for a time and hope that without my presents the subject will change from me. Often it doesn't. I am not a person who likes to be the "topic" of conversation. If you are using my life to give you "social mileage" I ask you to please stop. You may think "Oh, I am not saying anything bad."  The fact is, it's my life and not other people's entertainment. If I am not there with you, I would conceder the fact that you are talking about me Gossip. I said the G word. There goes life again. Maybe you aren't saying anything "bad" about me. The fact that I am not there to "defend" myself is very frustrating. I know some people might consider what I write "harsh". Get over it. If people talk about me please stop.  That seems to be the thought. 

I have moments that I think I can do no wrong and then I very much regret what I have done or said. I shared a possible blog post with a friend. It was overly ruthless and personal. I have rewritten it at least three times. Most likely more.  In many ways I like writing because it gives me a kind of filter that talking doesn't. Writing is very hard for me. Talking is very hard for me. Both talking and writing can have there advantages and disadvantages. You choose for yourself which you prefer. 

There are people that have had the misfortune of experiencing my "nasty" side. If you are ever around when it comes out I am sorry. There have been people that have had the displeasure of experiencing my ugliness and still tolerate me anyway. All I can say is thank you for being willing to continue working with me. 

I was very surprised at how I can be at times. Especially after I reread some of my own abuse. I dare call it that because I would have a very hard time getting past what I may say. I am very grateful that there are people that can be so forgiving. 

Once when I was at the hospital the Nurse that helped me get to bed was very late. I tried to think of the most kind and polite things I could say and just brush off the fact that he was late.   As soon as he came into my room everything I intended was out the window. I lost all control. I have had similar  experiences that end just as bad. I hate that it can be just as hard for me to maintain control. There was another nurse that was a reservist. He offered me some advice. I thought while he was talking to me, what he was saying made sense. The problem was that I had tried what he was saying. Lots of people had mentioned it to me in some fashion. The simple fact is I would love things to be easier for me. It would be easier for others as well. 

I live across the street from a Target. Several restaurants are near also. I love the fact that things are so close to me. If I have to, or really want to, I can go in my chair to do different things. Some things are so difficult for me that I have learned that it is much easier for someone else to help me. I can do quite a lot myself, to many people's surprise. I get tired so easily by some things that it is much easier to let others help me, as much as I can dislike others to do things for me. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking. I think that being what is called a snowbird, or winter Texan, might be the right idea for me. Utah or Alaska. Maybe both. 

There are so many things about my life that I would like to have more control over. Who wouldn't.

I have been considering a new wheelchair. I thought I would send out a couple examples of what I have been considering. If you have any thoughts I would love to hear them.  

http://youtu.be/bTmv0aB7P0o

http://www.ezlitecruiser.com/products/ez-lite-cruiser-deluxe-dx12?variant=4207296836

Thursday 12 November 2012......ugh.

Linus:  My lifestyle makes your lifestyle possible. 

David: I resent that. 

Linus:  So do I. 

-Sabrina (1996)

Awesome movie. 

Monday 9 November 2015......it's night.

I have been thinking that I need to mention a subject that is very important for everyone. We don't think about it unless we have to. Food and eating. 

Like most anyone I like to eat. I don't eat like I did before my stroke. If things weren't so hard for me to eat I would be a butterball. Eating is a lot more difficult than it once was. I don't eat just because something is there. Snacking is just as difficult as an actual meal. I will just have the meal. We have so much eating that is just incidental. Everything I do has to be very thought out. 

I tried to eat while I had a comedy show on. I ended up laughing so much that I almost choked. I had to turn off the show while I was eating. Conversations while I am eating are bad. Laughing is horrible. In many ways I hate how hard it is to eat. 

Sitting at a table and eating not a problem. Being anywhere else and eating is very hard. If I go to a fast food place I take the food home or stay there to eat if I can. Eating on the go is almost a futile effort. 

One thing that I have had to learn is to have one plate of food and stop eating. I don't feel full. One day I ate a whole deep dish pizza by myself. I was trying to see if I would feel full. It didn't happen. One night I went to a Brazilian restaurant with my mom and her husband. They finally had to say they were ready to go. When we got home and I was getting ready for bed my stomach hurt because it had so much food in it. I still didn't feel "full". The skin on my abdomen was stretching and that was no fun. 

One thing about me is I am a box of surprises and I'm always learning something new about myself. I don't recommend it. 

Last thing I will say right now. I do my best to talk calmly and as normal as possible. I usually end up screaming. Then because I end up screaming. I feel really bad and end up bawling. My recommendation is don't have a stroke. 

Friday 6 November 2015......have a day.

I just can't seem to win for losing. Everything seems to fall down around me. 

Maybe I just complain to much. Well at least I can go to dinner with my kids. I am still the kind of person that would like things to go faster for me. I should be used to everything being slow for me. I guess I am. I still want some things to be faster at times. For example I thought I could go swimming by myself. Getting in the water easy. Getting back into my chair, much harder.  I have these thoughts that everything should be easier than it is. 

It's starting to be colder in texas. 

I want to just bawl like there is no tomorrow. Not because it's colder. I just want to bawl. 

I have been contemplating life. Things seem to happen in such a manner that I have little if any control over. I do not know why the Lord has seen fit to let me be faced by the challenges I have. I honestly feel like I have more than my far share some days. Whatever happens to me is whatever happens. I have been studying and reviewing the following for a few days. 

"Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way--but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen."(2 Nephi 4:16-35,The Book of Mormon)

In some ways maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Occupational Hazard. But in other ways I am spot on I would say. 

One thing that I get to tolerate is other people's biases. We all have them. Even me. But one of the things I really hate is people who make the assumption that because I am in a wheelchair I'm stupid. I dare say that I am smarter than 90% of all the people out there.  Are there lots of things I don't know?  Sure. But I am far from stupid. I had a stroke. Physically, I am a mess. Emotionally, things are very hard for me. I read slow but I never read fast. The only reason I can't do some things is because there is more physicality involved than we would like to think there is. The fact that I can type, even with one finger, is pretty amazing. 

I really hate being in a wheelchair somedays. Mainly because I am not easily forgettable. I would love to just fade into crowds. That is not an option for me. How forgettable is a person in a wheelchair?   Especially when I do so much. 

In many ways I would say that my life sucks. Not for the reasons you might think. 

I really do have an amazing life in so many ways. I will admit I wish someone else were lucky enough to have my life.  

Monday 2 November 2015.......yeah.

I have had a few days to consider many things. This quote that comes to mind. "He also serves who sits and waits."  For anyone that knew me in my previous life, before my stroke, I was the kind of person that tried to do whatever I could to make things work the way I wanted. I am not nearly so foolhardy now, in my second life post stroke. 

I come from a long line of talkers. I can be good to talk at moments. I have found there to be more power in listening. Talk really gets in the way of your ability to listen. 

I thank everyone that has participated with me in my fast. I am getting some answer already. I know nothing is on my timetable. Sometimes we give a fish and the person gives us a serpent in return. I say continue to provide fish as best as you can. The day may come when you are told you can do something different. 

I will let you know more. 

We went trick or treating the other night. We were in a really good neighborhood. The worst was my little girl got a blister so that ended the trick or treating. We went back to my place. My daughter rode on my chair to save her feet. We watched a movie and went to bed. To easy. Sort of. Nothing is easy for me.

I do not understand why the Lord has seen fit to bless me with what I have. As Job in the Old Testament said, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I have to say that my life is really a pain right now.