I just can't seem to win for losing. Everything seems to fall down around me.
Maybe I just complain to much. Well at least I can go to dinner with my kids. I am still the kind of person that would like things to go faster for me. I should be used to everything being slow for me. I guess I am. I still want some things to be faster at times. For example I thought I could go swimming by myself. Getting in the water easy. Getting back into my chair, much harder. I have these thoughts that everything should be easier than it is.
It's starting to be colder in texas.
I want to just bawl like there is no tomorrow. Not because it's colder. I just want to bawl.
I have been contemplating life. Things seem to happen in such a manner that I have little if any control over. I do not know why the Lord has seen fit to let me be faced by the challenges I have. I honestly feel like I have more than my far share some days. Whatever happens to me is whatever happens. I have been studying and reviewing the following for a few days.
"Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way--but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen."(2 Nephi 4:16-35,The Book of Mormon)
In some ways maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Occupational Hazard. But in other ways I am spot on I would say.
One thing that I get to tolerate is other people's biases. We all have them. Even me. But one of the things I really hate is people who make the assumption that because I am in a wheelchair I'm stupid. I dare say that I am smarter than 90% of all the people out there. Are there lots of things I don't know? Sure. But I am far from stupid. I had a stroke. Physically, I am a mess. Emotionally, things are very hard for me. I read slow but I never read fast. The only reason I can't do some things is because there is more physicality involved than we would like to think there is. The fact that I can type, even with one finger, is pretty amazing.
I really hate being in a wheelchair somedays. Mainly because I am not easily forgettable. I would love to just fade into crowds. That is not an option for me. How forgettable is a person in a wheelchair? Especially when I do so much.
In many ways I would say that my life sucks. Not for the reasons you might think.
I really do have an amazing life in so many ways. I will admit I wish someone else were lucky enough to have my life.
That was a great read! You definitely are not stupid! Far from it! I'd say you are a very intelligent dude! Love you!
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