Tuesday 17 November 2015......same old stuff again.

So I do have more to say and I will put it here. I hope you don't mind. 

In case people don't know, I had a stroke. I would hope it's obvious by now. Somedays I wonder. 

I think some people have a mistaken understanding that my stroke made me a more pleasant person or only effected my body. In many ways it may have. I really doubt it had much effect in making me more pleasant. If anything I would dare say that it made me more inclined to insist on my own way. 

Can I be sweet and kind. Sure. In fact I insist I be most of the time.  I would say I have to be sickly sweet so that people can tolerate to be around me. I can really be downright nasty and mean. 

My mother and her husband came and lived in San Antonio for a time partially to help me. I am forever beyond grateful for the time that they were here and the assistance they provided me. My mother mentioned once that she was very tired of me acting so rotten to her. I have been thinking about why I did. It has only taken me over a year and a half to come to a possible understanding of why I may have acted like I did. 

I was in some kind of facility for a year. I don't recommend that for many reasons. My mother and her husband came from Utah to Texas multiple times to visit. I would venture to guess that I was so "starved" for attention that it was very easy for me to be "nice". After my mom was here full time I got the attention I was in such need of. I was able to be nice for a time but for whatever reason I arrived at my breaking point and I could go no further. 

Am I a "jerk" because of my stroke? I would love it if that were the reason. Am I just a just a "jerk" and my stroke has made it worse? I hope not. The simple fact is I have to put forth a lot of effort to be "nice" when it would be so much easier to just be the "jerk". In many ways I guess you could say I am at my breaking point right now. 

I started going to a gym that specializes in working with people in wheelchairs. I wasn't feeling overly emotional about anything.  If I opened my mouth it was impossible for me not to cry.  I hate how that happens. It leads lots of people to wrong conclusions. We can all cry for lots of reasons besides the fact we may be sad. 

If I am really in trouble I will let someone know. I get very bothered that people automatically apply the same "rules" to me as they do to everyone else. Maybe that is a good thing and a compliment. The fact is I had a stroke, a brain injury. In many ways the normal rules don't work for me. I am not saying that I shouldn't be held to them. It's almost like asking a basketball team to play using football rules. I'm sure you can but it would make a lot of complications.  All I think is most days I'm as messed up as a football bat. Yes I know, I know.