31 October 2018.....

26 October 2018

Logic and reason are such fleeting things lately. We must have love and compassion. We must also have logic and reason. 

Similar to justice and mercy. 

I was watching some YouTube videos. I can understand a different opinion, but when someone is ask a very straight forward question, and the answer they provide is more evasive.  I don’t understand. 

I hate when people point out the flaws in my logic. It happens more than I would like. That said I am grateful. Not at the moment. Usually after I take a step back and look and think about it. 

Since when do I have to like everything. Since when do I have to agree with everyone. 

It is such a simple concept, but so incredibly difficult to understand because we have emotions. We must separate ourselves from all emotional distractions. If we get to emotional we stop our bodies from functioning the way we normally want our body to function. We are more than our emotions. We are more than logic. We must make the two work together. But they are like water and oil. 

27 October 2017

I don’t understand. How people treat marriage like a toy. At least that is how I see it. I was looking at Facebook and another couple I know is divorced. I have real problems with that. Yes, I am divorced. No, it wasn’t my choice. I have never understood why someone really feels like they need to get divorced. 

I understand there are totally justifiable reasons for getting divorced. My fiancée, I would say was very justified. Still, I would say that it is beyond confusing why two people, that have created more lives together, give up on each other. 

28 October 2018

So I have decided that in my own way I will “fast” from the internet. Every Sunday I will not use the internet. So if I post something it will most likely be on Monday. 

Someone please call me if the earth explodes on a Sunday. 

I went to my sons play last night. “Little Shop of Horror”. He was Seymour. I had the same role twenty years ago. It was fun to see him. 

I am mad about many things. I mean I am upset. In some ways I do not know what to do. In other ways I know exactly what to do. 

The example of getting bitten by a snake. If a person gets bit by a poisonous snake do they chase after it or get medical care. If a person were bitten, chasing after the snake might send the poison though out the body faster. If you just were to get bitten, and just stop and let others help you get to medical care. 

I may joke about dyeing, that doesn’t mean I want to die. I can think of 7 people that would be very sad and mad if I did die. 

Point, I don’t need to go after all the snakes in this world. Some of the snakes my have been placed to keep me away from where The Lord doesn’t want me to go right now. I have seen glimpses of what the Lord might have done for me had I listened more or hadn’t been so headstrong. The Lord lets us do what we want, good or bad. He will guide us and show us the way. At times if we have been overly willful, He will give us a glimpse of what might have been. He wants us to get the idea that if we follow Him we will be better off. He is always giving us some kind of guidance. Are we listening?

If I were to chase the “snakes” in my life, it would consume all my time. I have much more important things I want, and need, to focus on. 

31 October 2018

I have been thinking. President Trump has decided that birth right citizenship isn’t going to happen. Of course someone will say that he can’t do that. It will go to the Supreme Court and they will decide. Bold move Mr. President. 

26 October 2017.....July 2017....I have thoughts

7 July 

It's my half birthday. At any rate it's my unbirthday. I have been so tired and so not wanting to do anything, I even forget there are other things I want to do. I must be really tired lately.

I went out for a while last night and I was tired before I left. On the return trip I could tell I was slurring my words and talking in general was not easy. That's my life. 

8 July

Yesterday I went to the gym. 

I came home. 

I was really tired. 

Didn't want to go anywhere. 

I finally decided to go to the bank. 

Went. 

Came back. 

9 July

We went to the wounded warrior breakfast yesterday. Then splash town. I sit in the shade the whole time we go. But it can still be really hot. I buy drinks. Yesterday we went to sonic after the water park. Best idea in a while. Then we arrived at home. Everyone was exhausted. They took showers or baths. We didn't want to do anything. 

Eventually we finished our jerky, made dinner and I went to bed. It was a day that was to fun. I'm definitely going to need some recovery time. 

10 July

Yesterday was nuts. My son was sick with a fever when he woke up. I wasn't feeling the best myself. 

We still got lot of things accomplished. We got some jerky made. The children helped with dinner. We went to church. The children caught some Pokémon. It was a great day and a glorious weekend. 

11 July 

I was so tired yesterday I could hardly stand it. I woke up so early this morning I wanted to cry. I hate just laying in bed. Sometimes I just really want to sleep though and I really don't like sleeping in my chair. 

We all have our own little lies to comfort us in some fashion. Honestly I'm ok with that. I have the biggest problem with the fact that sometimes we don't, or won't, recognize the fact that what we are trying to make the lie we live with reality. Not just for ourselves but for others as well. 

I like to think I live in a world where I have to be brutally honest with with myself and everyone else. I can be. Most of the time I just let others go on thinking they are right. I have gotten to a point that if someone chooses to withdraw there service from me, I have figured out I will live. Maybe not as well. Life goes on. 

12 July 

I have come to the conclusion that today is a good day to rest. 

In many ways I am bothered by the idea that I see from time to time of Freedom from religion.

16 July 

I went to the store to look around yesterday. I am super sore this morning. I an not sure what's wrong, but something is. 

Normally I would say, “I had a stroke “ . Something is different. 

17 July 

As tired and lacking energy as I was yesterday, I feel great today let's hope it lasts. 

Yesterday wasn't bad. I got up went to church. Came home. Great day. 

As crumby as I felt yesterday. I feel great this morning. 

In some ways I feel bothered because that so many people think I need to do everything their way. It’s like if I don't I will die a horrible death. At least then I wouldn't have to hear the almost incessant complaining. 

18 July 

Something is not right with me. I feel so tired and it is so hard to move that I just don't know what to think or do. 

I try not to interact with other as I feel so crumby and I usually say something that is mean to the point of brutality there are people that I may not like, but no one honestly deserves the brutality I can dish out when I an having a bad moment. I really try to keep the brutal side of me away from everyone. Sometimes it escapes. 

I want and did labs and X-rays yesterday. I hope the doctor will find something that is fixable. We will see. 

 22 July. 

I cannot believe how increasingly complex life is. I think that in some ways I have been playing catch up about some things that I should have known already. Now I am returning to a more human pace. 

I was up later last night than I have been for a while. I hate staying up late. The worst part was that I had to get up to turn my alarm off this morning. 

25 July

I am so tired. 

Even for how I normally am. 

I want to cry. 

Then I want to laugh. 

Then cry again. 

I am beyond messed up. 

29 July

Something is making me even more tired than normal. It's some kind of allergies. I went to the emergency room a few days ago. They found nothing. I have felt really crumby. I am not the only one. 

30 July

Yesterday I didn't do anything. I was super tired and just laid there most of the day. 

I have a theory about why I am so tired sometimes. Over the past four years I have been using the strength I had accumulated from before my stroke. Any extra I may have had is gone. Now I have to replenish my strength from time to time. I have been trying to use strength I didn't have and had not earned yet. Not the first time I've used what I hadn't earned yet and it most likely won't be the last. 

That may not be how the human body works. But It does make since to me and in many ways it's a good analogy. 

25 October 2018.....it a dangerous pastime, but on occasion I still do it.

25 October 2018

So what I am going to write might sound a little hypocritical. If I can figure out a way to change my life I will if someone has suggestions for me I will gladly take them. 

Driving is a scam so the car companies can sell more cars. You might say,”In this day and age we need cars.”  In many ways I would agree with you. If I go out where I live the streets are all designed with cars in mind. If I go to down town San Antonio, where I live, cars were an after thought, I would say. Many places are like that. 

We have to live with our reality, and our reality is that cars are a major part of our lives. I have my car and I am not going to go sell it because I think cars are a bad idea. I have lived without access to a car at times. I didn’t die. 

As Americans, we live so spread out, we could live closer together. We could live closer to our work. We could live closer where we go to church. Lots of things could be different. 

Why we do it is important but not nearly as important as the fact we do it. We have been collectively brainwashed to think that we must have cars for every aspect of our lives. For many things cars are needful. We have become victims of our own devices. All the money we spend on the car. All the money we spent on insurance. Gas. Maintenance. 

I don’t have a perfect answer. There may not be a perfect answer. I can see in my minds eye what  I would do in part. Still I have to live with the reality that I have. In many ways I love the reality we have in other ways it sucks. That’s life. 

23 October 2018........just keep swimming, just keep swimming

23 October 2018

Running type exercise(aerobic activity)

Not really. 

Write every morning

Ok. 

Floss teeth

Mostly no. 

Volunteer

Maybe. 

Budget

More not than often the past couple months. 

Spend time in nature.

Kind of. I go outside. 

So I fell of the horse pretty hard. I need to get back on and start riding again. I thought I needed to do lots of additional things. It turns out my ambition outweighs my ability. I try to turn cartwheels when I can’t even stand. 

In many ways I can do less than I thought I should be able to 4 years ago. I always try to do to much. That doesn’t mean I should not try to do more. Just more of the right kind of things. 

I have my circle of influence and circle of concern. I will work more on what I can influence. 

20 October 2018.....um

18 October 2018

So, I am back from Brazil. I haven’t eaten anything today yet and might not. It seems like every time I eat something I end up more hungry, so I probably won’t eat much the next few days. I don’t have much food in my house anyway so I better go shopping. 

One thing I like so much better about where I was in Brazil, Bahia, is they don’t use daylight savings. Most of the country does. Still, I loved having the sun start to rise at 5:00 am. It went down sooner but I don’t care. Maybe I need to move somewhere that doesn’t use daylight savings. I love waking up and having the sun up. I really don’t care if if gets dark early at night. As far as I am concerned. Daylight savings is a scam. 

I love so many things about Brazil. But for someone like me, in a wheelchair, you are at best an afterthought. Everything is made for people that walk in mind. Almost the only place I could go and feel free to move is the mall. Mall’s are not Brazil. I can go to a mall in the US. But one place I discovered at the mall there is called Bob’s Burgers. I think the hamburgers they make are the best. Fast food, but better than anything in the US. 

In some ways I love Brazil a Libertarian Mecca. In other way I hate how difficult it is for a person like me, in a wheelchair, to move around. Some things the government regulates so much. You almost want to pass out.  Example, in the US, if you want to get married, buy a marriage license and in one to three days you can be married. Brazil, go to the courthouse. Let them do essentially do a background check. Two weeks later, maybe a month, you can get married, civil or religious, you still need someone from the courthouse there to make it “legal”. If you are divorced, like me, you have to provide a copy of the divorce decree. If the decree is not in Portuguese you have to have it translated. In my case crazy expensive. I still love Brazil, but in some ways the government makes things crazy hard,  other ways the government stays out of your way. I would say no good balance. If you view things different let me know. 

20 October 2018

Last night my children came. They love the candies and flip flops I brought then. 

Well, I saw a headline this morning. Mega millions lottery is 1.6 billion. First, I think lottery is a stupid idea. Not much more than a tax on the poorest people. Granted, not only poor people participate. Poor people are more likely.  

1.6 billion dollars. That could be divided a lot off different ways. And everyone would still be richer than they were before. 1 million. 2 million. 5 million each. 

The education of our children. While I personally don’t like the idea of public education. A lot of good could be done. Increase teacher salaries. Make lunch free for all students. More field trips. There are lots of different ideas. 

Needless to say. I think lotteries are a bad idea. If you like them great. 

12 October 2018.......yeah, and part 2 also

October 2? 2018

One thing I will never understand is how some people, myself included want to dictate and legislate the thoughts and actions of others. Some things we will never have control over. No matter what we my demand. 

Example, I can wear whatever clothes I want. After I wear those clothes I cannot control how others think. What someone thinks and does or doesn’t do is out of my control. 

Second example. I hate when people yell at others. I can ask that person to not yell but I cannot force that person to not yell. No matter how many times I ask, beg, whatever, I have one real power sometimes, I can walk away. Sure there are people we can’t just walk away from at times. Still, there are some. My son gave me an excellent example of this. He was in first grade at the time. His teacher wanted him tested. During the test he got to the 7th grade level. Then something in him just decided to walk away. At times we have to just walk away that is the only power we have in a situation. 

One example I like from a movie is from Star Trek. Kirk wants Scotty to sign for some torpedoes. Scotty says no. Ultimately Kirk fires Scotty because Scotty won’t sign a paper for the torpedos. Scotty felt strongly enough about it he let himself be fired. At times that my be all we can do. 

What can we do? What can’t we do?

I may not like something. Am I physically being forced to go along with it? 

Mentally coercion. That is a different story. 

Parents. Military. There are countless senários. Many different dynamics. Some situations my example would not work in. 

October 12 2018

So part 2. I am cutting my trip short. Not because I want to but because my body is not working like I would hope it should. I’m still engaged no problem there. 

My situation is this. I was so hungry the other day. 

For those who know me well, I rarely get hungry. The most confusing thing was that the other day I was always hungry. 

The other night I was really hungry. The next morning I was hungry. I suggested to my fiancée that we eat out. We still ate before we left. 

We went to the restaurant, churrascaria, all you care to eat. We got home. I was still hungry. I had dinner still before I went to bed. 

Yesterday was not to bad but I wanted to eat the entire refrigerator and all the food at one point. 

The point. I have not gotten hungry like that ever. I would eat and eat and would not get full. 

Right now I’m ok, I’m just turning into a fat boy. 

Just remember, if I die I will tell you. 

10 October 2018........my life sucks! Part 1

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