Monday, December 29, 2014....here we are.

I will have to admit that I get really tired because of some of the things that I have been trying to do. 

There are some stairs where was staying this Christmas and going down can be pretty easy. I can just slid down on my butt. Going up can be a lot more hard and tiring. I am thinking I may have strained my arm. I was going up the stairs and I was trying to hold on for dear life. 

I will admit that overall the fact that I had a stroke and it was no fun. I really don't recommend anyone have one. 

I opened Christmas presents with my kids today, Sunday, and that was a lot of fun. This is a very different life than I would have chosen for any of them but it's what's been given to them. 

But well it is nice to do fun stuff with the kids and that is the way I like it. 

December 25, 2014...Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas. 

Tuesday, 16 December 2014....well.

So life is very busy for me right now. In many ways it is good to be busy but there is really a lot going on right now to keep me really busy.  I know it is the end of the year and there is always a lot, but there seems to be even more right now. 

But all of a sudden things seem to  be going well. It might be just in time for them to go bad. That seems to be how my life goes.   I have always been a pessimist. Maybe I have been a realist. I don't think I have been an optimist, but I used to play one. In a nutshell I'm me, and if you don't like that, don't let the door hit you to hard as you leave. 

So what about now?  Life seems to be very confusing overall and I just want to escape somehow. Maybe I will watch movies until I can't see straight. Or I could eat myself into oblivion.   There are lots of possibilities. 

The thing is I have been making it a point to do more exercise. It is really hard for me to want to do things because it is really not very hard not to hurt myself. I have been told that my muscles are pretty strong but my nerves are not getting the message. It is not very fun to deal with lots of things.

Hope everyone is well.    

Sunday,14 December 2014......hm

So at the VA today(Friday)and there is a lot to do. 

I haven't felt so busy in a long time. At the VA I had to go to the pharmacy, do an EKG, see the therapist, podiatrist, stop and ask other therapists questions. Very eventful.      

If you ever want to feel like life is good go to a VA hospital. There are so many people that seem to be really bad off. Sure I wouldn't say my life is not ideal by any stretch of the imagination. 

To see some of the people there you can't help but want to cry. I think, how did I get to be so lucky,  that I don't know anything about.  I really don't know some times. This is one of them. 

Tuesday, December 9, 2014...(blow a raspberry)

So one more day at the VA. And it seems busy this morning. I have to admit I am probably the most prejudice person in a wheelchair you could ever meet. I don't say what I think because I partially think "better to let them think you're a fool than to open your mouth and prove them right." 

Right now I really don't have a lot to say anyway. Not that I don't have anything to say. I can have a lot to say. It can be so taxing to talk that I really just choose not to. I got so tired talking and visiting with my grandma the day after thanksgiving that I couldn't stand myself anymore. 

I come from a long line of talkers on one side of my family and the other side seemed to keep to there self more. I guess I'm learning to live both ways. 

In other news I did the prep for my colonoscopy. Doing two preps in relatively quick succession is horrible to put it nicely. The prep was no fun to say the lest. I don't think I have wanted to throw up in a long time. But the colonoscopy wasn't to bad. I wouldn't recommend it as a good time. But better than the prep. 

I feel like I have been going really fast and I need to slow down. There are things I want to see and do but right now I just want to slow down. Let's see how that goes. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014....... Traveling and being tired.

A traveling day. 

But I want to say that I get tired, very tired. To the point that it is hard to write. But most people don't really care to hear about how tired I am. Everyone gets tired. That doesn't mean it needs to be broadcast and advertised. I just need to remember that life happens. So you know I get more tired than most people and it sucks. I don't recommend having a stroke.  I have had plenty of days that I have just bawled because I have been so tired. 

One thing I have to remind myself is something that we said in the military. "Embrace the suck". 

Things happen that are no fun. Oh well that's life. 

As for traveling, it is nice and a pain. Going in a wheełchair is very tricky. As long as I arrive early they seem to not have any concern.  

December 3, 2014....what a life.

So. I have discovered something that I hate more than anything else. Bath oil. I think I would rather die than be in a tub that has had bath oil. In fact it would be very easy for me to slip and die so I will leave it at that. 

I really don't like bath oils or the residue. It is difficult if not absolutely impossible to grab hold of things. And I would say a very bad idea. So, feel free to use them if you think you must.

There is so much that I dislike but it can make me feel like I my lose control. I try to say something. This maybe normal but it can be so extreme for me that It can really be annoying. 

I have mentioned this before but my emotions can be very extreme and I really don't like it. 

I am not as bad emotionally as I used to be, but it can be beyond annoying.  

So things have been very annoying and it is hard to want to write. Take care. 

November 30, 2014....happy thanksgiving

So it is almost thanksgiving and I hope every one is ready to eat. Dig in and eat all you can stand. Thanksgiving will come around again next year. 

I guess you could say I am on vacation. Right now I am in the northern part of Utah. Not exactly a "destination" but very fun.

The hardest thing about being out in the big wide world is I can get so tired by things. I want to do more than I can most days. I can just start bawling and that can lead to all kinds of other problems. 

I really want to type but I am so tired.  

Thursday, November 20, 2014.....what a trip.

So, at the VA. Not to diferent but I am sure tired. I hate being tired. I guess that is how life is for me now. 

I guess many people would like to say I have a good life, and in many ways I do, but it is so hard to move some days.  I would never recommend having a stroke because you think it might be fun.

I want to reiterate that strokes are no fun.    If you want to have one, have fun, but I don't recommend it.

I went to the VA yesterday and that was ok. Today I am at the airport. My flight got canceled and I am waiting for another. I seem to be good at waiting. I still don't like it sometimes though. 

I might get on an earlier flight but either way I will live. 

This whole thing today is crazy. I may be waiting for a while. It is like they want to to reinvent the wheel. As long as I get there but I will be happy but I was originally supposed to be getting there when my plane leaves now. Planes break that is one thing I know from being a pilot myself. There can be so much scrambling behind the scenes. If you want things to always run smooth you might as well die. I don't think there is anything that runs smooth in this life or the next. 

So they changed my flight again. Since things got changed again for me they gave me a couple of meal vouchers. 

The thing is trying to find a sit down place to eat. I used to like buffets but they are really not the place that I would go now unless I had to. The food is usually good but it will create loads of work for someone I go with. Someone has to get my food and their own. I don't go out to eat to wait on others and I don't think others do. So I found a good place that waits on you and the food was good to. 

I am at Salt Lake air port now. Very different from the last time I was here. It is much bigger but it is very nice. 

I stopped and had dinner and this very nice gentleman paid for my meal. He did not have to but I have been working at trying to find a good balance between accepting someone's offer and taking care of things by myself. Haven't figured out the best balance yet but maybe someday I will. 

I wish I could tell you how tired I am right now. I have been up since 5am central time. It is now, as I write this, 7pm mountain time. Put me to bed.  

Well I finally arrived. My plane got in about 9pm. I was so tired that I couldn't stand myself anymore so I went to bed. Well take care all. 

November 12, 2014...so much I want to write.

So writing today I am at the VA and my oldest son is with me. Fun. 

I really can be crazy going to the VA but that is how it can be. 

Well now it's two days later. Yesterday I got my wheelchair fixed. It seems to get broken faster than it gets fixed. 

Today was an interesting day. But hopefully my case will be finished soon. 

Just in case you are wondering the divorce is final. The case needs to be finished. 

I have a lot I want to say but I have a really bad headache right now.  

November7, 20014 yea that would be fun.

So I have an appointment at the VA today.   In general I have a lot of apointments. 

So. I have been thinking that it might be fun to get a car. Nothing to use to take me places but just to ride in and have fun. Other people could use it to but it would be my car. I am trying to get some driver training but that is a different story. 

I want to get a Dodge Charger. Maybe I'm living in a pipe dream but it is my pipe dream so take your concerns with you. 

I have lots of things to consider. But since it has four doors it would work well for the family. Not perfect but good enough. 

Right now I would love to write more but I would love to write more but I am just so tired and easily distracted. Look squirrel. 

November 6, 2014. Stupid stupid stupid.

So today is the day. Horrible. I get to do a colonoscopy not very much fun. 

The prep is the worst part. You are given this awful stuff to drink. That is usually the worst part. 

I can say that this is the most rediculas day ever. Beyond stupid. If they don't get me in there and do this soon I might go crazy. It is almost 1:00. I have been here since 10:30.

Well I did not get my colonoscopy done. The doctor was insistent that I be given an IV so that I could be made unconscious for the procedure. I had an appointment about a month ago and I was resigned to the fact that they would give me a sedative. What changed?   I was called and the person on the other end of the line said I would not be required to be unconscious. So I began to operate under the belief that I would not need to have an IV or be unconscious. So up until the moment of the procedure I thought that an IV was an option. Well I was already and the doctor came to see me. I guess it was her attempt to get me to have an IV. She made three attempts to get me to accept an IV. Finally she tried to talk to my step father. I what was probably a last ditch effort to get me to change me mind. I am very grateful that he basically referred her back to me. 

So all the preparation and no colonoscopy. Well at least I was clean as a whistle inside and out.  

Friday October 31 2014....Happy Halloween

so this is a crazy day. I really am tired of so many things right now. Right now I am so tired of feeling crumby. I guess I got sick some how and it is really no fun. But that is how life is. 

I am not sure how things are going to work out right now but I am so tired right now. 

I am feeling pretty rotten. I think I was getting over one sickness and along came another sickness. The thing is I have been feeling so bad that it is hard for me to want to do much of anything. 

I had the chance to see my kids last night and I was so tired that I felt like I wanted to fall over. Not fun. And it has been so hard to want to do things. Ugh.

Right now I am at the VA. I am so tired that I really think I just want to sleep. But sleeping is not fun because when I sleep I have to wake up. Waking up is really no fun. It can take up to an hour for me to wake up properly. So sleeping and naps can be no fun. 

.

                         

October 25, 2014...feeling recovered

So I am back from my trip and recovered. I didn't think that most people would have any idea how hard it is to travel for two days on a bus. To put it nicely it sucks, it really sucks. But now I know what it is like and next time I can know better what to do. 

What do I mean by next time?  The next time I go traveling. I still have family to see and I really would like to see them. 

All that I'm willing to do can be seen as crazy but I am more than willing to be the crazy one and experiment on myself. For example, I had what looked like a reusable shopping bag that I used to carry some of my items in. Now in some ways it had its disadvantages but the fact that there was no zipper was very helpful. I love zippers but they add a barrier that can add a level of difficulty I really don't like. 

For the most part I think I have what I really need to travel but a few items need to be found. 

One of the worst things about traveling is having to use the restroom. I just made sure that I went whenever there was a bus transfer  it was a bus trip so that wasn't hard. The idea to do lots of things on my own seems to be a new idea to some but why should I let some one do something for me when I can do things myself. There is a lot that I can't do by myself but people think I should ask them for help first.  

October 10 2014 ....best day in a long time.

I will tell you later unless you know already. 

September 29 mostly-October 1 kind of. (Sorry just saw that this didn't publish.)

So this is Monday and I have appointments. I have a lot of appointments. All week. 

I don't think I have ever had so many appointments in one week before. Maybe I have but this can be really crazy. I guess I ask for them. 

This does not look like the best week for me because my kids will be with me on the weekend and that can be very tiring. I went to my sons day camp for cub scouts and while I thought I was fine I guess it took more energy than I would like to think it did or would. I was exhausted. I guess I will see this time. 

I guess there is some concern that I am to secretive. I can talk on the phone but I don't like to because talking can make me so tired. Also talking can be very difficult some days. It is not that I don't like to talk, I like it.  But there is only so much I can do. And talking can be so hard on me. 

I was at the VA hospital and it was interesting. At the first appointment it was easy to check in at the kiosk. At the second appointment I was so tired it was hard to check in at the kiosk. 

 

October 20 2014....it is kinda fun to travel.

So I'm back. 

I had a great trip and the traveling was no fun. Two days oneway on the bus is not my idea of a good time. 

Other things yes but thats for another time. 

I have been feeling kind of crumby and tired but I think I am feeling better now. 

Just wanted to get back into the swing of things. 

Saturday 27 September 2014....so

So what do I say?

I am going to say I am in love. You can say twiterpated, infatuated, or whatever you like. 

There might be some people that want to say its to soon. That is an opinion that you are entitled to. You may want to say to me that I should wait. You go ahead and wait for me. I will be busy talking to her. 

It is kind of crazy because I can be on the phone talking for hours. I am sure that it is to much but it sure is fun. 

There have been a few ladies that I would have liked to have gone out with but that would be for another time.  

I am not sure what others think I do with time but I do stay pretty busy. I have some papers that need to be finished. I go to a lot of appointments and I have lots of books that I am trying to finish reading. I have a list that I am trying to get through so never know. 

September 22, 2014. The next step.

So it looks like there is a battle of wills brewing. I want to go traveling. My mom thinks it's not the best idea right now. I will admit that it is a frightening prospect but I like the idea of getting out and seeing the world a little bit more there is so much to look forward to and so much to worry about that I just don't know what to say. 

I got tickets to the place I was born. If you know it I would love to see you there. I have my concerns because I just don't know how wheelchair friendly things would be. I guess I better find out. 

Going to the bus station brought back a lot of memories from Brazil. I just don't remember it being so loud. It probably was but I just don't remember. 

I have been thinking about what I want to take and I think I know what can make my travels easier. But I have some phone calls to make. 

Before my stroke I was very much a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy. Now I put a lot of effort into trying to get things planned out because of my chair. I would still like to let so many things go until the last minute. But if I did that I would get to do very little. 

This is my first trip and I am sure a lot will change, but if I just sit at home I just sit at home and that is about as good as being dead.

So I will let you know how things go. 

The other thing is I had my kids this weekend. It was kind of a rough weekend for me but most are. The kids can take a lot out of me and I guess I was pretty tired to begin with.  I fell asleep  for what I thought was a short time on Saturday. I guess I was more tired than I realized. I was told I was asleep for two hours. My little girl was kind of kind of making fun of me but that's not hard. 

I really need to get this posted. 

Monday, September 15, 2014 this seems to be a very busy week.

What a week this has been. 

I started out by going to the doctor and they sent me to the ER. Not the greatest way to spend a day but certainly not the worst. 

My left leg is kind of swollen but the hospital did some tests and I guess I am ok. Still I don't think I would recommend spending more than half the day in the emergency room. There are much better ways to spend a day.

I got my storage here and I was able to get it put in to some place new. I think that should be a good thing.  Not as many people showed up as I was hoping but we still got it unloaded pretty quick. 

I have been occupied with a lot of matters lately that seem to take a lot of time. What do I need to do? We will see.   I would really like to do some traveling but I'm not looking forward to it all of the possibilities. The idea of sitting for a long time doesn't bother me but needing to use the restroom does.

Well I better get this posted. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014. I'm trying to figure out my new schedule.

So I have been trying to do some figuring out how to do some traveling. Everything seems to be more  difficult in a chair. 

The easiest way seems to be by bus. I am not the biggest fan of buses, but I rode them all the time on my mission in Brazil. I may just get a wanderlust and disappear for a while. 

The Americans with Disabilities Act(ADA) really has some good things in it sometimes. Actually the good stuff was always there. I just learn about it more and more in kind of a piecemeal way. 

I have recently learned that people don't like the way I choose not to talk about my life. There are a few reasons for that. 

First, there is a saying that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead. From my own experience I can say that this is true. 

B or second,  it can cause me a great deal of physical discomfort to talk for an extended time. Not that I don't like to talk. I do very much. But it is not my favorite activity any more. I am not sure that it ever was...well that is a very non Danish way of saying how I used to be. 

Three, people talk to much in general....l forgot what I was going to write. 

Well I had better get this posted or I never will. 

 

Sunday,August 24, 2014 ouch. My...

So  today is Sunday. I have been thinking that I am going to do my blog posts on days other than on the weekends. It can be to much work on some days. And I just don't know the best days. 

My teeth are just sore lately. I have a very strange thing with my teeth lately. I have this thing so that everything is basically numb on my right side. Including my teeth and I guess most everything else also inside and out. 

The past few days I have noticed that my teeth on my left side have been hurting when I eat. It is no fun to have your teeth hurting. 

This morning as I was getting reddy to go. I was worried that I might hurt my teeth with some of what there was to be eat. And it didn't hurt. I made the association that if the food was cold it hurts my teeth if the food was warm it feels like my teeth are fine. 

I am going to have to call the dentist to see when I can get into tomorrow.  

It is just so weird to have my teeth hurting like they are. I have been having the feeling of numbness for a while now but the teeth pain is pretty new. 

August 17, 2014. What a day. What a week.

So what do I say.?

This has been a crazy weekend.

There is so much I want to say. I need to find some different days to present my blog. 

I am just so tired right now. 

Taker care. 

Aug 13, 2014. Let's back up just a little.

So to everyone that helped me to move thank you.  I am still in texas. Still in San Antonio. Still alive barley. 

There is this quote that I try to live by. "That at which we persist at doing becomes easier.  Not that the nature of the task has become easier,but our ability to perform the task has increased."

Well it goes something like that. 

I have to admit that this seems to be true. But it can be overdone. I was on my bed and yes it did get pushed up against the wall. I have the habit of working out on my bed. The other day I was trying to raise both of my legs at the same time. I can raise each leg individually no problem so I shouldn't have any problem lifting both at the same time. And I didn't. 

Next morning my back was a little sore. I thought my former physical therapist would be happy to hear.  

Second day I had a harder timer getting  into the bathroom in the morning. 

Next day I could barely stand.

Then again. I could barely stand to get up 

This morning not fun and as I was trying to move from my bed to my chair I ended up in a kneeling position on the floor. Not so bad but I could feel myself going down even further. It took every bit of strength that I had to not fall all the way and I could still feel myself going down. 

My mom and her husband helped me back into my chair. 

I have decided that I need to be more careful during my working out. I can do a lot but  I need to do a little bit less than I think I should.  If I don't, I might get hurt and that can be miserable. Like right now I am doing a lot of sitting and using a heating pad. It can be no fun.  Just standing up can be an ordeal. I can have a really hard time standing up straight. And going to the restroom can be insane. 

August, 6, 2014 it's not time to go to bed.

I decided I had to write. So I hope you don't mind. 

Yesterday was one of the worse days I have had for a while. But I was able to find a place that needed to be fixed. Some times I have the thought that I found at despair.com. "It may be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others."  Well if that's not the purpose of my life yesterday sure seemed like it. 

I went into my room to workout and as I was on my bed and getting up onto way knees I lost my balance and I fell off the bed. This would not been so bad if I had fallen left but I fell right and was between the bed and the wall. 

Since it was not such a bad position all things considering I decided to take a nap. That went well but then I woke up. 

I thought I could just lay there all the while and wait until someone got home. Guess not. I decided to sit up. Not the easiest task in my condition or position.

I think it took me an hour or more to get out from behind the bed. I would scoot a little bit and I thought I was not moving for a while, but when I discovered that I was moving some. So I kept trying and soon I was out from behind the bed. 

Now to get on to the bed. Easy right? Wrong. After I rested for a while I tried to get on to the bed. I thought it would be fairly easy I don't know how many times I tried to get up but it was not as easy as I thought. It was finally time that my mom and her husband came home. What happened started at around 3:00 and mom got home around 7:30 plus or minus. 

I never got on to the bed. 

I was so upset I did not know what to do I just started bawling. 

I can do a lot more than I could last year but I still can't do what I think I should.   

 

August,3, 2014 it's still me.

I'm back. Can you name the movie that I am paraphrasing From.  (Poltergeist II is one of the possibilities. The other is ghostbusters 2.)

There is more that I have to say than I will ever know how to say. 

I am really tired today.  

If there was a difficult week this was it. I don't think that I have ever had such a crazy week before. My mind has been racing because of all that I need to do. It is kind of odd because I will think about what has to be done and than I forget it. So I start to do something else and I don't think about what needs to be do and then it comes to my mind and for some reason I don't do it. 

I have been trying to figure out the endless list of things that I need to get done these days. It is not all just fun being in a wheelchair. Most days are a lot of work. 

It is hard for me to want to write these days. But I have some ideas to get me writing more. 

Hi

Did you read the title of the blog. 

June, 3 2014.

I am going to take a break from posting on here for short (hopefully) time. If you want to keep in contact  let me know. 

Friday, May 30 2014

I typed a post and it disappeared. And I am just to tired.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Do I get angry. Sure so many things can make me upset it isn't even funny.   Well maybe it is. 

I try to just be "stone faced" but that can be kind of miserable. Why do I worry about it. It is just so hard on me not to get emotional right now. The other day we were eating at a fast food place and it was so hard to keep it all in I started crying a little. 

I went to visit a friend today and it was very hard not to cry there. I have to be constantly vigilant because I got so upset at my mom and her husband over stupid things that I don't know what to say. I guess the right word is sorry. There are certain people and situations that I can get really set off, I try to control it but it is so difficult. There are moments when I think I can control myself. They are becoming fewer and more spread out, but they are so annoying. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014.

So I don't known that some people will be sad. I am just to tired tonight. Writing is to hard tonight. But I will try tomorrow.  

Thursday, May 22 , 2014

So what a day. It has been very nice.   I got a ride to the va and back on the bus they sent for me. It was nice to be able to go by myself.   Kinda by myself. It was nice not to go without a "babysitter". It is so nice to not have to rely on family or friends to take me. Not that I am not grateful for all others do and have done for me. But it is so nice to be out on my own. 

I got to speak with a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. One person, a former therapist of mine was very nice to talk to. She can make me see things in a different light. This specific therapist took me to a pool with another therapist a while back. No sooner than we were all in the water than I wanted to do my own thing. I don't remember what was said exactly but it was something to the effect of "Nathan, don't get  your face in the water."  So what did I do?  I stuck my head in the water. What an idiot I was. I could have taken in water the wrong way and died. And what would have happened to the therapists well they would be left to explain how a patient in there care had died. Not the brightest thing I had ever done. 

I still think it is funny to think about. 

I do feel like I need to apologize for what I did. I still think it was funny but I am sorry for it. 

I am  more tired now that I am home.

I have been told now by two different Drs. that I don't need this one medication that I have been taking. So I might just finish the refills I have left and then not get it anymore. They say the condition does not exist anymore.  If that is the case great. If not and I still need it I guess we will see.  

I am taking more medications than I ever have in my whole life and I am still taking less than most people. I think the average person is taking 13 medications. I currently have five and will have four so I wonder who is taking my others. If the average is 13 for every man, woman, and child what the heck. 

If the medication is necessary that is one thing but it seems like more and more persons want a quick fix. 

I have been offered more meds and my answer is no. I figure they can give them to someone that really needs then. I know it doesn't work that way but it should. 

To put it another way. I take the medication I need no more no less.

Hope everyone is well. I was just to tired last night to finish things. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

This has been the craziest few days ever. I went out on Thursday and Friday of about half the day and I got home between 12:00 and 2:00. I was so tired I did not want to do anything. I just wanted to sit there. If you know me that is so unlike me. I wanted to type but that was to difficult. 

To put it nicely I have been an ass the past few days. Who am I trying to kid?  I have probably been that way for longer but most people are nice enough not to say anything. It is hard to tell what is part of my stroke and what part is just me being a jerk. There are times right now in order for me to get through and I have to close my eyes or I would be a puddle on the floor. The last time I got up to speak at church I would have been a puddle if I hadn't just closed my eyes. 

I had a conversation once and I ask my brother who was down visiting from Minnesota if he could help coach me through the situation. I am sure that there were other things  he would have rather been doing. But thanks to his help I was able to get through a very emotional charged situation with relatively few tears. Thanks bro. It is so easy for me to be emotional. I go in to situations thinking that I will keep myself calm and then I have some sort of breakdown along the way. Unfortunately it usually involves me crying or getting angry. Or maybe both. I have even had fits of laughter or a very strong desire to laugh lately but that is when I am usually by myself. I wish now more than ever I could just turn my emotions off. 

The other day I was at the park with my kids. In all of a sudden my chair would not move. I just tried to do what I could. That didn't help, so when my mom came closer I told her. My oldest son tried to help me reset it but that didn't work either so my mom caller her husband. It took him a few minutes to get there but I am used to waiting and sense we were in the shade it was not to bad. Well my step dad tried, no luck also. It was kind of strange but he finally got my chair moving again. There are two sets of controls. The one in the front for me is more obvious. There is another set of controls in the back. I am going to assume that some one at the park accidentally bumper the switch that changes the controls. It sure was a pain. 

Well if you need a wheel chair an electric one is the way to go. 

One of the things I tried this week was the manual wheel chair I have. As they were working on my electric chair and my car. I was in a manual chair. I was able to get around the apartment pretty good so I thought way not try in outside. Not the greatest idea I have ever had.  The area I was in  had a genial slope. Not to bad to go down but I was not thinking about having to go back up hill. I tried, but I did not make it very far. Finally this one lady took pity on me and ask if I would want some help. I said yes. She wheeled me to my building  and I thought it would be no problem to get in to the apartment by myself.  I guess I  was more tired than I realized. I got down the hall and in the apartment but I was having a hard time getting the door closed again. The same lady came by and offered to shut the door for me.  That was the most tired I think I have ever been.  

Needless to say this has been a very eventful week. 

Last thing I want to say is when I have been saying  father in law, I meant to say step father. Both are great men but I have been good at saying the wrong thing. 

Take care. 

Wednsday, May 14, 2014

Today is a monumental day for me. I am in a manuel wheel chair. I think I will try it more. Being in a manuel chair is kind of nice but it is a lot of work. I think I will try a half a day first  and then maybe more. 

I have been trying to decide how much I really want to do. I can tell that it makes me more numb  so we will have to see. 

I had the nurse that comes to visit. My blood pressure was to high last week this week it was back down to normal levels. I don't know why people make such a big deal about things in is not like I am sick. I had a stroke. I guess you can say I was fortunate enough to survive from. All I can say is that if you want to have a stroke but I would not encourage you to. 

It looks so nice outside today. There is a part of me that would really like to go walking through the trees right now. I know that's not possible right now first I can't walk well and second I might get my chair stuck. 

I have ask a few friends to look for some pants with snaps for me. You would think it would be simple enough but it seems to be very hard to find mens pants with snaps. I may just have to retrofit some. I love buttons but they are so difficult for my fingers right now. 

I never thought I would feel this way but I have no desire to watch TV right now. I think I am going to read the books that I have first.

I am just looking out the window. I think I need to go out for a while. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

So maybe I am just a jerk.  I would like to think it is just the fact that I had a stroke that can make me so disagreeable at times. I really don't know what to think about it today. I can get so hyper-emotional at times.

My oldest son was made a Deacon at church today. I was the one who got to do the prayer for him. Congratulations big guy. Anyway the point is it was so hard for me not to cry that I was amazed I was able to finish. Sure I was a ball baby before my stroke, but this now seems to be 10 or 100 times worse. For the most part I have the laughter under control. It very rarely happens  now so I can't control it. But the being angry and the crying seem to be another story entirely.  

Maybe I will need to excuse myself so I can make myself more agreeable. I got upset at my mother today. All I can say I  can say is I felt something snap so to speak. And before I could do anything about it I was at the point of no return. I hate it when that happens. 

My father-in-law is a very kind person who helps me so much I can't tell half of what he does. He doesn't speak a lot, but he felt the need to tell me what a jerk I was being.  And why exactly I got upset at my mom on Mother's Day of all days....ugh. 

Maybe I am just a jerk. I hope it is just part of my stroke. After today I am not sure.

Wednsday, May 7, 2014.

Can I just say I am so tired right now. I think I got a lot done. I spent some time at Brook Army Medical Center this morning. I thought the medication that was ordered for me was finally in but it wasn't ordered until resently and it wasn't in yet.  I got told it may be in by Friday but I think it got forgotten  and turner in late. I am glad I have another supply of it fore the time being. I was given an appointment with an outside psychiatrist so I could more easily get the medication. That's so nice. They just forgot to tell me. I showed up at this appointment and I heard the dr say when he went to the other room "why is he here?"  Any way it seems like a big game of pass the buck sometimes. And I am the buck. 

I went to try to see if there was any mail for me at the last place I was but I think we got it all taken care of. 

I spent a lot of this day at the VA. The lady who is my Social worker was there and I was able to talk with her for a while. I hope she will give me the news I want to hear from her I will let you know more. 

I finally went to the dentist today. It seemed like my life at the VA just got put on hold I thought it was going in for introductions an things. The dentist did an impression of my mouth four a new night guard. The dentist was very nice but so few things happened like I thought they would.

We got home and I was just so tired from this day I can't say.

There was so much that went on I am exhausted hope everyone is well

 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

"Who is more foolish the fool or the fool who follows him. "  -Obi Wan Kenobi talking to Han Solo the first of the Star Wars movies. 

Am I perfect?  Far from it. I have more than my far share of faults. My saintly mother has been a bigger help to me than anyone I know, and it is still very easy for me to get up set with things she does to try to help me. My father-in-law one day was really feed up with the jerk I was being and told me so. At that moment it was like I was looking through a plate glass window and I new better but I was not able to stop myself. I am sure that will sound like an excuse to some. All I can say is if you would like you to have a stroke in my place...I guess it doesn't work like that. Just in case you didn't know that was a joke if you didn't laugh go ahead and do so now. 

I am far from being perfect so live with that if you can. 

If you have been reading this blog or my Facebook page, you know we put out a joint statement. All I can say is I am doing my best to live like we said we would in that statement. I want to say that my wife is the person I still love more than anything. And while I may have more reason to hate her I do not. We have different options of things, go figure. But that does not mean I hate anyone. Especially my wife. 

I recently had the opportunity to work on some of our bills I do not know everything about them right now. I wish I would have had some help. I felt and thought that it was best to pay the house  payment. Partially because if you don't have the other stuff you can still live in your house. It is hard to live in your Netflix account. The other reason I paid for the house was because I got a pre foreclosure notice in the mail. I do not wish for my family to get put on the street and I do not want the option of not being able to get another house or loan. 

Now there may be different opinions about things but I want to say again I love my wife more than anything. And do not think otherwise. 

Now I am very emotional. You could probably look at me cross eyed and I would cry. I tried to say thank you to a couple of people today and it was impossible for me not to cry. My therapist that was here the other day said I should just tell people how I am feeling in a mater of fact sort of way. After my experience today I am not sure that will work. Maybe my bladder is to close to my eyes. For those people who need another cue that was supposed to be funny. 

The reason why I say that is it is so easy for me to be hyper emotional. I am hyper emotional at times and it can be hard if not impossible to contain myself.   

I have a uncle who is an attorney. I think he has worked in a few different areas but it seems that he likes the area of adoptions the most. Anyway why am I saying this. For the most part attorneys are just people that work with each other. It is more contentious than other professions but for the most part the people are just doing a job. The attorneys for both sides have to be able to work again another day and possibly against each other again. Now I am not saying that attorneys don't have a more difficult job, but for the most part it is just a job. 

I say this because before my stroke I thought that so many people were out to get me. I was probably just paranoid. I am not saying I am not now but no one has ever said anything about it. 

Am I a jerk? Yes. 

Am I thinking I am entitled?  Yes. 

Do I want everyone to like everything I do? Sure,  who doesn't. 

Do I feel like I have more than my fair share of problems?  No comment. 

All I can say right now is if you want to feel better about your own life just come and spend a couple of hours with me.  

Wednesday,April 30 2014

So I need to write something but what. It is crazy, but I am having a hard time writing today. If you care to know it is my dad's birthday. In case you don't know, my dad died about 21 years ago. What the heck. I used to in a sick sort of joke, say to my wife, that I would die 20 younger than my dad because there was almost 20 years between the death of my grandfather and my dad. I thought it was funny at the time. 

So this has been an interesting week so far. I have been trying to get my appointments all figured out. Right now I think I would like to have all my appointments on Wednesdays if I can.  Today was the last day of the at home physical therapy. I was kind of bittersweet. 

I have decided that I need to spend some time everyday trying to drive my chair with my right hand every day. I used to use my right hand a lot but some how I got out of the practice of doing that. I like the mornings here and I can see so much that I normally can't. 

I am hoping that I will get some new shoes soon I will let you know how they are. If anyone has seen some good movies that you would recommend I am very open right now. 

Sunday, April 27, 2014.

So I had the greatest day this week. It was mostly in the evening so it was even better. 

First I got to go to the temple for the first time in I don't even care to think about how long. But it has been over a year. 

The man in charge of things wanted to see if I could get my hands to reach on a few things and I could.

It was a youth trip and so we were helping them for the most part with the baptisms for the dead that they were getting to do. If you need to know young people 12 and older if they are found worthy my go to the temple and help in things like baptisms for persons who did not have the opportunity to be baptized in there mortal life. 

It was pretty fun. 

I had the opportunity to do some blessings of sorts but that began to tire me out more quickly than I would have liked. So when I noticed that I was starting to slur my words and other such things I ask no be changed. 

They moved me to a place and a job that does not require speaking and I think I did much better. 

The sun was almost down when we left but it was such a beautiful day. I don't think you could ask for much better. 

We were headed in the direction of home and looking for some place to eat. I said why not the Brazilian steak house that wasn't far from the place were we where. But soon enough we were there and it was the best thing ever. Since I am in a wheelchair now we were able to park very close to the door. 

It was sooooooo good. More kinds of meat than you could ever think that you might want. But I  had to try some of everything. The salad bar was equally as good of course. But if I wasn't as selective I would probably just eat the meats the next time I go. 

I was dressed in a white shirt and white pants. I would have preferred to wear something different but I just pretended it was like New Year's Eve in Brazil. I Brazil when I was there the really rich people and those that really got into it would wear all white outfits that night. 

So I had a lot of fun. 

I don't get full so it was a lot of fun for me while we were there. When we went home I could feel it then. I normally self limit myself to one plate of food but if you go to a Brazilian steak house(churrascaria) so it's impossible not to eat a lot. I have said it before but I better say it again. Brazilian food is good for the soul. (Comida braziliera é boa para a alma.) 

I could have stayed to eat more but my mom and her husband felt the need to go so we went. I probably could have stayed and kept eating. 

It was more fun than one person should be aloud to have. One of the servers was very helpful in the way he cut the meat. Usually they cut you a big slice,  but this guy cut it in to small pieces so it was easier for me to eat. It was very appreciated. I think he was Brazilian but it can be so hard to tell. 

I was kind of disappointed in myself because I got my white cloths dirty. It is not the biggest deal in the whole world but it is very frustrating.

To put it mildly I left there very happy. 

I think I felt the after effects of it all later but it was so good I would gladly to do it again. 

The rest of this week has been very tiring. One day I had two doctors appointments. Another day I had to go to the DMV. And then I went back to the doctors another day. And that was enough to wipe me out. I was so tired one day I did not want to do anything. Well I better get this posted. Some of you may want to read it. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

I have so much some days that I want to say and I come to write and I have forgotten so much. 

Maybe that is good but if I were to write myself notes to remember I would most likely be writing all day. 

I think I need to set myself time limits on most of the activities I want to do. It will help me move with a greater meaning. And it will help me to find the things that really need to be done, finished. 

I tried to order myself some new pants. I hope they get here soon. I ordered some dress shirts and they seem to be working pretty well. 

I have been trying to find some different ways to do some of the things, I do so I can do more things by myself. I am going to need some more practice. 

The most annoying thing right now is that people that are helping me and seem to be very helpful most of the time some people will not  talk to me but only the person that is with me. I have this to say I am not incompetent, talk to me. I have a masters degree and if you will stop being prejudice for one minute and try to just talk to me that would be nice. As I was once told, I am a grown man who is 40 years old. Talk to ME. I think that some people think that because I am in a wheel chair it's ok to treat me like a child. Guess what I am not a baby. And I don't mínd the help just please ask me first. 

I got my interview with the stake at church. So I am CTR. I have a current temple recommend. It is so nice to be ready to go. There is no place in the world that I would rather go or be than the temple. For those of you who are not familiar with the LDS (Mormon) church the lowest level is the ward, or the congregation level. One step higher is the stake level that has many congregations, or wards in it. Today I was able to get the higher level of the two interviews completed. I have been in the hospital for so long, that it is very nice to go anywhere right now. 

Yesterday was very nice because I went to Orang Leaf with my kids and parents. It was very good. If you have never been there it is very good frozen yogurt. Yum. I ate mine and then my daughters that she didn't eat herself. 

The past few days have been so full that I could not write one hundredth part of it all. 

Take care. 

Friday April 18, 2014

This has got to be the most interesting week ever. I am trying to get the hang of living in a new place I guess some people are surprised that I can do as much as I do. The nurse that came by to check my vitals asked if I needed someone to come by to help me with bathing. 

I think that lots of people are surprised by what I can do because lots of people think I should not be able to do anything. I guess there are lots of people that let others do things for them. Don't know because I just don't. 

I have a tendency to want to try to do things that are to difficult for me. There are a lot of things I can't do sure and I let people help me with things I can't do. But if I think I can do something I usually try unless it is night and I think I need to sleep which I usually do. For example I thought that it would be nice to sit on the couch and watch TV. Getting on to the couch was very easy. After the movie had finished I tried to get off the couch and back to my chair. Not nearly as easy.   The chair is higher than the couch. And softer also. After a few minutes of trying I got back in my chair, but it was a lot of work. 

Well I had better post this because well I just better. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

I am not sure what to say right now. So much has happened the past few days I am not sure what to say right now. I seem to be so busy right now with the therapy sessions and those can be really intense. The other day the guy that sold me the car I have took it to put in a system that holds my chair in place. So now all that needs to be done is seat belt me in. It is very nice but it has had a couple of kind of scary moments when the switch to let me out was not working. For a little while I thought I would have to sleep in my car. But it got worked out. All I can say is it is so nice to have a vehicle and not to have to be picked up. 

There are some people that think I am still the same person that I was before my stroke. Let me reiterate yes I am. And no I am not. If you want a more detailed explanation, please see the previous posts or just ask me. It can take me a while to talk but I will get it out. 

I am staying with my mom and her husband. And it's nice but the way I have hit some of the walls and door frames all I can say is sorry. I am the master of mayhem. The reaper of havoc. There isn't a doorframe that is safe with me around.  Bah bah bah. 

I was so tired the other day I just wanted to sit and not do anything. I don't think I have ever wanted to be or been so lazy in my whole life. 

 This is the most crazy world some days. My right side is more numb than it has probably ever been. I am thinking I will try using my manuel wheelchair around the house it might give me more exercise. We will see. The last time I tried my manuel chair I got so numb I didn't know what to think. But I guess it is time to try again. Well I had better get this posted. 

Hope everyone is well. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014. Me then and now.

Well for the most part the past few days have been very interesting. I need to make sure I take some of my meds better. I found out today that I forgot to take a med last night. And the one pill I forgot helps me control my emotions better. 

I wanted to share that it is getting easier to walk. Almost a year ago I was told that my wife was going to her dads from the conversation that followed I was told by my wife that she needed to find someone to watch that our kids. She ended up going with my kids to visit her family. I was diluted enough to think that I could watch the kids myself. I thought that I would be able to do all the things like did before. That I would be able to walk around while leaning on the walls for support from room to room. I would probably have to go to bed and rest but the kids could watch tv. Now I understand that I probably would have been able to do zilch. 

What I can do now is less than that I wanted to do before.  And it has been almost a year.   

It is hard for me to accept this at times.  Today is one of those days. 

The One thing that is the hardest fore me to understand is how a person can say something but mean and do something  entirely different. Not that we don't all do it but it can be a real pain in the butt. I was told by my psychiatrist that some thing I do is expect the world to be just and fair. My way of thinking if you say you will do something you just do it. 

Can I understand why some people think I should have stayed in the hospital. Sure. If they want to join me I will gladly go back. Enough said concerning the matter.

I can do a lot more than I was able to do before but right now it is really easy to tell the low energy days from the higher energy days. And you never know when exactly they will be. Today is more of a low energy day two days ago my energy was higher.

Well I have a lot to say but I am so tired right now. Take care.  

Sunday April 5 2014

So this weekend was different. I guess that is a good thing. 

Last night I went with my father in law to the priesthood session for general conference. For those that don't know, general conference is a time when we don't go to regular church meetings. We can watch a transmition that comes from Salt Lake City. That is an overly simplified version, if you want to know more just ask. But last night we had a taco dinner before the transmission and that was a lot of fun. I went with my father in law and I thought we were going a little early, but I guess not. 

We got there and we had tacos. Very good but very messy for me. I tried one hard shell and one soft shell and I just wanted to see which was less messy. It turns out in my case both are about the same.  But they sure were good. 

We stayed there for a while and I also had a root beer float at the end. It was all really fun and I got to see some people I haven't seen in a while. 

Today was Sunday and it was nice to just to not have to go any where. It seems like we have been going so much this week. 

My mom and her husband got there car today and that was pretty nice.  We had some visitors today but  fore the most part it was a very uneventful. Very nice day but not much happened. I am not sure that this will be the easiest week coming up but we will see what will happen. 

Saturday, April 5, 2014. (A new place again....)

So here I am in my new place. It's not so bad in fact it's pretty nice but well I am not sure were to begin. 

It's not like I remember that if I was such a pain before my stroke. I guess it am a pain now. I try to keep myself under such tight control maybe  I am to strict with myself most of the time. And I try to keep myself in to much control. I am not sure I can find a happy medium. I got upset at my mom because I thought she was treating me to much like a baby as we were on our way to a doctors appointment the other day. When we got to the doctors appointment the dr barely talked to me. What a pain. She kept talking and turning back to my mom and my mom kept directing her back to me. Thanks mom. 

After we went to the doctors we went to the bingo night that is every week.  I have been going to it for a long time now and it is a lot of fun. It is even more fun when you win which I have had the privilege of doing two weeks in a row. I almost had the same privilege of doing the same thing this last time.   

It has been an interesting coming to the apartment that I am in now. The first two days we were here it was a real pain especially If i needed to go to the restroom.   I tried to figure out a few different ways. I finally, yesterday got a bar to help me pull myself up and if I could only say how wonderful that was to have that I can't say enough. 

There is an idea that I have had that in so many ways that if I just got to someplace else I would just magically get better. I guess it doesn't happen that way. Things just seem harder. I guess that is good at times but it is sure no fun. 

This one lady at the last place I was has some chocolate lab puppies. It sounds a lot of fun but now that I have been here a few days I just think it would be to hard. I like the idea but it would be so hard right now. 

The first of my therapists came by and it wasn't to bad. I seemed to have more difficult to walk than normal but I think the therapist was pleasantly surprised I think overall. 

I really like some of the niceties this place has to offer but I am sure I will need and have to go slower than my mind wants to.  I have prided my self for the longest time that I am a realist but now I'm not sure in that regard. Maybe I was just drowning in my own reality and maybe I still am.

I had a friend come by with some videos a couple of days. After the fact I found out he was more here as a babysitter at my moms request. I didn't mind to just watch the videos that was a lot of fun. I need to learn to be a better host. I didn't get to hungry so I didn't offer more. If I just ate like I used to I would would probably blow up like a balloon. So it might be hard for some to not eat. I have this thing that I like to stay very clean. And I have noticed that most foods can be more messy than I like.  

So this is a new adventure for me. If you have any questions for me I would be glad to answer what I can.  

Monday, March 31, 2014

This is going to be a hard thing for some. We are all prejudice towards someone. Do I care who you are prejudice towards. Yes. 

I am sure most people don't think of themselves as prejustice. I am not saying it is a bad thing to be prejudiced but it can be damn inconvenient. Now I am not saying we should be or we are bad when our personal views come out but most of us myself included don't know what those are. 

I am going to use myself as an example for a while.

I am in a wheel chair. For the most part if you see a person in a wheelchair you want to subtract 100 IQ points wether we think we do that or not. Not that it is unwarranted in many occasions it is hard to know when you should and shouldn't do the things  we do. But you may have to live with the consequences. 

My emotional IQ is all out of wack. I had a really hard time not crying today. But what else is new. 

If someone wants me to do something it's not to hard for me to understand but it is hard for me to communicate. That gives people another reason to think that I am not so bright. 

At times I think to myself "why can't we all get along."  I know it is not a reasonable thought but I can have a lot of unreasonable thoughts. And the more emotional I get it doesn't help me because I can get hyper emotional. And the more emotional you get the perception of your IQ just gets lower. Just my luck. 

Well I intended to write more. I guess I will have to explain more later. 

Saturday, March 29 2014.

So I went out last night with my boys to the father and sons camp out. It was pretty fun. We didn't stay all night but it was lots of fun. The place we went was for the most part not to hard to get around in my chair. It was bumpy and a little slow and I got stuck once but it was fun. 

My biggest boy made sure I was safe for the most part. Not bad for 11. 

It was so nice to be out of the hospital that I can't say. I forget about camping in Texas. There was a burn ban I guess and we had hot dogs that needed cooked. Luckily a friend was cooking with charcoal and he he helped us out.

We went home after the boys finished there banana boats. There was a special program that was very short. And after that night we went home. It was nice to have a friend drive. 

So that is that. Hope everyone is doing well. 

Sunday, March 23 2014

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. So what if you woke up and you could not move anything but your head and neck and you are the only one that you can understand what you are trying to say. All I can say is that it is no fun. 

Let's all go back in time a few months. When I first "woke up" from the sleep I found myself in I was trying to understand what was going on. I really had no idea. I thought there was something holding me in my bed. Something I didn't understand.  And I guess I was right, I had had a stroke but I didn't know that. I kept trying to move but I thought some kind of new technology that I didn't  understand was being used to keep me lying in the bed I was in. But I really didn't understand what the problem was. The first day I was " awake" I was bombarded by people telling me all kinds of things that I didn't understand. I understand what they were saying now but at the time I didn't. One of the first things I was ask was if I could read the massage that was in Portuguese that a friend had sent me. Yes I did understand it. I could understand everything that was said to me. But I did not understand why people were making things so complicated for  me. 

I was probably in a sort of dream state for a while but after I "woke up" I had a few moments   I was less than lucid. Going back the other direction I do remember on friend was sitting in my room and I wanted to talk to him so badly. I fell asleep and when I woke up he was gone. 

That night I think it was that night,  I woke up because someone had left the TV on. I so badly wanted to turn off the TV off but I was so tired that I didn't care to much at the moment. Who ever had left the TV on had put it on what I think was the military channel, and some infomercial asking you to donate money to Israel was on. I was thinking someone just give them some money already to shut them up. I guess the TV show could not read my thoughts because it just kept going.

What happened next I am not sure I think the next day was the first day I remember but I'm not sure. 

I also thought that I needed to get back to the National Guard and training that I thought was yesterday,  I did not realize I had been in the hospital for three weeks or whatever it was. I had no idea why  I was were I was. I tried to communicate, but no one understood what I was trying to say. 

I can notice some difference in the way I talk now but I thought that what I was saying normal things. I guess it was difficult if not impossible to understand.  

Well I better stop for now. Take care every one. 

Wednesday, March 19 2014. Whatever.

Well today is such a confusing day I am not sure what to think. 

I was given a two week extension by the insurance company. I am still trying to figure out what is the most important thing for me to work on right now. 

I have basically two weeks to get myself ready to do some of the things I most need to take care of by myself. 

I don't have a problem with going to another facility, if I do not have to stay there the whole time. 

Some may think I am being difficult. Yes I am I guess.  You try being in a hospital for almost a year. To put it nice it sucks. Sure I have met some great people but I still is rotten and I don't recommend it.  

Secondly, I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I am so sick of the the fact that it takes me so long to do so many things now. And I am going to be required to do even more. 

The extension I have been given is little more than a temporary reprieve. 

I am not sure what to think right now. If you have any thoughts, I could use some right now. 

I hope you have a good week.  

Sunday, March 16 2014 some movies and some other stuff

I was offered a movie to watch. It was good but it hit kind of close to home. The main chacter was diagnosed with the same diagnosis I have, locked in syndrome. I am not so bad he is but it still sucks. The movie was called The Diving Bell and The Butterfly. It is in French, but I am sure  you can watch it with English subtitles. Or maybe you can find it in English or some other language.  All I can say right now is it hit kind of close to home. 

I spent most of Saturday watching movies. 

My family came by and I guess you could say I really had I hard time keeping myself in check. More than I would like it is hard to stay in what most people would call an appropriate emotional state. I wish it were easier to maintain myself in a stable state.

I had a nice time at church today. Some friends came by and played a game with me and it was a lot of fun.  

I am not sure what to think about a lot of things right now but I will let you in on more later.   

Friday, March 14 2014 hockey, VA, pool, Annie. ,

I meant to write yesterday, but I was so busy and so tired it was hard to  want to do much.  

I got to go to a hockey game last night. It was a lot of fun, but it sure made me tired.  We went to bed a little bit later than normal later.  It was 10:00 when we got back which is the time I normally go to bed. The hockey game was I lot of fun.

I went back to the VA yesterday also. Since I am retired from the army now I guess we will see what will happen now.   There is some debate about if the 18th will be my last day here or if I will be here three more weeks. I guess we will find out later. 

I have been thinking about something for a while. It's probably been about 5 months now but I went to the pool and it was fun. It was a long time in getting there but it was fun. 

I think I was expecting to much. In a way I was thinking it would be like hopping into magic waters and everything would be easy. It was not as easy as I hoped but it was fun. 

I had a lot of fun.   I think I may have scared the therapists with me, but it was still lots of fun.  I tried to walk and move like I remember I did before my stroke. Guess what, moving in the water is not as easy as I was hoping. It was still therapy. Not that therapy is bad but I guess I would like to have a vacation from my own body. Some days it really sucks to be me I think. Wha. 

I guess I need to be more content with my lot in life. 

Lastly I want to mention a movie musical that has been running through my head a lot. It is not my favorite, but it has been going through my head I lot and maybe I need to purge the fixation, but anyway. The movie is ANNIE. I really like the bad guys. Mrs Hannigan and her brother Rooster and his girlfriend Lily. I really like the version that has Carol Bernett, and just a fun fact, she is from San Antonio and the city saved the house she grew up in from demolition. But back to the movie I have been thinking about it for a while. If you haven't seen it I recomend you do.  

Any way I have been thinking about one song in particular it's called little girls 

 

Little Girls Lyrics   

[MISS HANNIGAN]

Little girls 

Little girls 

Everywhere I turn I can see them

Little girls

Little girls

Night and day

I eat, sleep and breathe them

I'm an ordinary woman

With feelings

I'd like a man to nibble on my ear 

But I'll admit no man has bit

So how come I'm the mother of the year? 

Little cheeks

Little teeth 

Everything around me is little

If I wring 

Little necks

Surely I will get an acquittal 

Some women are dripping with diamonds

Some women are dripping with pearls 

Lucky me! Lucky me! 

Look at what I'm dripping with 

Little girls

How I hate 

Little shoes 

Little socks 

And each little bloomer

I'd have cracked 

Years ago 

If it weren't for my 

Sense of humor

Some day

I'll step on their freckles 

Some night

I'll straighten their curls 

Send a flood

Send the flu 

Anything that You can do 

To little girls 

Some day I'll land in the nut house 

With all the nuts and the squirrels 

There I'll stay 

Until the prohibition of

Little Girls

So those are the song words I like the most, from the musical I have been thinking the most about. 

Do I know why? Sure. Do other people have there ideas? Probably.  All I am going to say at the moment, it sure is a fun song and a good movie. 

I am getting tired tonight. Take care. 

Tuesday March 11 2014 avoid naps

So this is my attempt to get back on track. 

Yesterday I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon. It has only happened one other time in resent history. That time hurt, this time was even worse I think.  

After I ate lunch I was so tired that I laid myself back for a minute and I ended up falling asleep. 

That was not bad until the first therapist came by my room, I was only partly awake. Then the next therapist came to my room and I thought I really needed to get myself moving. So I went to my therapy. It hurt so bad that I was not feeling ready to move until it was over.

It was hard to get myself going and it was hard to drive my chair. I did eventually, but it was hard. 

When I got in my chair and I was told it was time to go I was just feeling like I was just waking up. I went to my room an just sat there for awhiłe. 

It feels like it has been pretty eventful this week. But I just can't remember what has gone on. 

I have taken such pride in the fact that I could do so many things by myself. I received a visitor and if I wanted to do social work like I did before it would take me so long to write a note that it is not even funny. There is some writing I need to get done but I might have to get someone else to do it or just leave it for now. What a world. 

Take care. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014. It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

 So here we are together, together, together.....

Not sure what to write tonight that would be of most worth. I have not wanted to do much, but I have had a lot to do this week, not bad but very annoying. 

Well the past few days have been very eventful. Since last I posted I got a new car. It is really exciting because now I can be taken places in a reallitivly easy manner. It's nice not needing to call for a cab to go somewhere. It is so nice to just be able to go. So nice. 

It has been nice to see some friends this week. I haven't seen them for a while. It was and is so nice to talk with them. Sure it's not everything, but it is sure nice. I don't remember what we talked about but it was really nice to see them and the fact they helped me set up my lunch tray was so nice it's hard to say. 

Well I guess I have made a name for myself here. Most people think I am nice here. Yes I know that other places  I have not been the nicest. And before my stroke I was a real bastard. So in many ways I think of now as my new life. I still need to do better than I do. But in many ways I am better than before. I remember that once I was ask about my life before my stroke. I remember trying to say that the person I was before everything is gone. Do I remember things and the way I was before?  Sure. Am I that person?  Yes and no. I think I can remember most everything. But I almost feel like something is holding me from going that way. 

I went out with my family the other night. We went in the new car. Yeah. And we went to IHOP. It was in so many ways, a dream come true. Maybe I have seen to many of the commercials, but it was a heckuva lot of fun. 

Today was a bitter sweet day. One person I met here is leaving tomorrow morning early and that sucks. It was not bad because church was cool. 

But it is getting late. Take care. 

Monday, March 10, 2014.

I guess you could say this has been an interesting week but I am not sure what to say. 

I am trying to figure  out how to do more things by myself. One thing that would make things easier for me is elastic shoe laces. I really prefer to use regular laces but tying my shoes can take longer than I like and elastic laces can essentially turn my tie shoes into a kind of Slip on.  So I guess if I would like to not have to work that much right now.  

I guess I had never realized how many things we rely on. And most everything is physical even if we don't like to think of them as "physical" or "mental"?.  The physical and mental differance in jobs that people talk about is negligible for me right now.

So today has been an interesting day.  

I guess I am a bad person because I don't want to stay in a hospital anymore. Sure there is probably more to the story to bad you don't know.  

The past few days have been kind of interesting. There have been highs and lows. Monday was kind of ho-hum. Tuesday was pretty good.  Wednesday was pretty awful and nice. Thursday busy. Friday was a day. Saturday was Saturday, I have had better days.  Sunday I just watched movies after church.  

Last night when I was going to bed I realized I hadn't written my blog. It was kind of distressing,  but I was so tired I didn't care last night. I am not sure what the DSM 5 says the criteria are for depression but I am not sure I fit the old criteria in the DSM IV. Just so some of you know DSM stands for diagnostic and statistical manuel. It is the key for most mental health diagnosis. The reason I know that in case you are wondering is because before my stroke I worked as a social worker in the area of mental health. Could I do it now? Not at the speed any one would want. 

I just finished my therapy for the morning. It wasn't to bad.  I have a new swallow study tomorrow so I hope that every thing goes well so I can have regular liquids. Please pray for me.  Right now I can only have thickened liquids. I have been told that soda drinks are ok but not the best idea. I have drank soda on occasion but not very often.

Well I know the world is busy, and I promise I am not contagious, so this is a blatant plea for visitors since I can't come to you right now. Again what I have is not catching so people won't leave from here in wheelchairs, but if you did you would still be better off than me because you would still be stronger. Long story short, stop by if you can and come visit if you can. 

Well, I need to stop for right now. Hope everyone is well take care.  

Friday, February 28, 20014.

So what is a day in my life like?

This is my attempt to share with you my day. 

To start off with, I get up around 6:00.  I sit up in bed and wait for some one to help me go to the restroom.  After I get done with that I go straight to the shower. Not bad but the one lady seemed to be more intrerested in doing things her own way. But they finished my shower and got me dressed. 

 After all of that I went and got my schedule for the day.  It may change, but that happens. 

Now it is 7:15 and I am back in my room. I have the tv on animal planet, mostly for noise, but "meerkat manor" is kind of fun. 

I am also waiting for my breakfast. I will share some more with you in a minute.

So breakfast was good but nothing special.  I remembered to try to shave by myself today and that was a challenge

I had physical therapy this morning twice. And occupational therapy once this morning. I had the chance to get to talk with the guy that brought me here. It was a good talk and I am not sure what to think right at the moment. 

I have a kind of headache and I think that I have some allergies. It is really no fun. 

I just got finished with lunch. Not bad. Fajita meat is pretty good.

Some people just came by my room to talk to me because I seem to be having a bad day.  Yes I am.  It happens.  

"Dirty jobs" is on tv. It is fun to see what he is doing.  

This afternoon I had four therapies.  More physical therapy,  Speach therapy, Occupational therapy and recreation therapy. It was a pretty long tiring day. 

After I was done with my therapies we had a special dinner I went to.  It was lots of fun. I seem to have a bad habit of laughing so much when I am there that it was kind of hard to talk and eat. Oh well.

I spent the evening in my room. I ate the dinner that was in my room. Sure I had eaten before but I don't get full that I have noticed.  So I ate two meals. 

I spent a lot of time last night on my tablet. I try not to do that to much, but I got sucked in for a while.  It's easy to have happen. I did ask for some help to change the plug on my charger. My tablet and phone were not charging so I spent a few minutes trying to get the extra one I had and I was able to get things working. 

If you have any questions about things just let me know. 

Sunday, February 23,2014. ...in the beginning....

So if you care to know I am Mormon.  That is my religion for those of you that don't know. I got back from church a little bit ago. 

My religion is very important to me. To a certain extent it always has been. Now I don't mind what you believe. You can believe what you like. I have always tried to be like that. My family may disagree.   They have the right. 

We believe in personal revelation.  And I am around now in the state I am because of it. 

Let's all go back in time a few months to just before I had my stroke. At the time I was thinking about going to my in-laws for a short visit or doing a training for the national guard that would be about two weeks. My father-in-law suggested that I not come. It didn't make any since not to go at the time.  I fretted over what to do for a little while.  Finally, I went to Austin for the training. It was not to bad.  Now I may have some people who think I am just lucky. You are entitled to believe that. But I know better. 

I went to Austin for a kind of train the trainer class and we were getting ready to do the first iteration. I decided to come back to San Antonio to see my family one night and while I was home I got sick in a way I never had before. I threw up I don't know how many times and it was almost impossible to walk straight. In fact it was so hard to walk because it felt like I was very dizzy and it was very hard to walk at all after a while. 

I thought it would all go away if I drank a sprite. I had two and nothing seemed to get better. My family was having dinner with some friends. I called my wife and she encouraged me to go to the ER. I was in no condition to call anyone but finally I was able to get hold of a friend who took me to the emergency room. On the way I ask him to stop by Jack-in-the-box so I could have something to eat. By the time I got to the emergency room I couldn't walk on my own any more and my friend had to push me around in a wheelchair.  After  we were finally taken in to a small room for a while.  I ate my fries  and I talked some to my friend and then I remember nothing until I "woke up" in the hospital.

So what does this have to do with anything you may ask? So you had a stroke so what. 

Because I  was sensitive to what the spirit or Holy Ghost was trying to tell me I have what I have. If I had gone to my father- in-laws house what might have happened?  I am not trying to say I  have listened to everything that has been shared with me. I haven't. I hope I know better now. 

Since my stroke I might have to relearn how to identify the promptings of the spirit. Right now I don't feel the promptings the way I am used to, if at all. But at one time I thought that I could walk without to much difficulty.  I think I know how how to walk a little better now.  And I know better.

I am not trying to say I am better than anyone from it. At one time I knew one thing and it saved my life. Now I probably need to relearn it like so many other things.   

Saturday, February 22, 2014. End of era,at least for me.

So it has been very busy the past couple of days. Now I am retired from the army. Not sure how I feel about that. Sure I know that I would not be able to pick up a rucksack and go,  but I still will miss it. 

I have meet so many great people that I can't even say. I have met more than my fair share of jerks but that is not the point. Army people are just regular people in so many ways but at the same time I know there is a difference also. 

If you take off the uniform we look like everyone else. So I want to stop there I guess that's your choice. 

Well I have a blue ID card now. Bittersweet.

I have spent most of the past couple of days at the military post. Not the best way to spend time,  but I felt like I got a lot done. But the fact that I need help is a constant reminder of how helpless I can be. 

I think of all that I have been given the opportunity to do and it has been very cool. I started off as a linguist and interrogator. Then we moved to texas and I got out for a while. I finally decided that I should get back in, but this time I would try it as an officer. So I reenlisted and got the guaranteed officer candidate school option. When I went to officer candidate school it was nothing like basic training,  they wanted us to think to. But thanks be I made it through. Now that I got to be an officer my first duty station was in north texas. The next thing I got to go to south texas in a type of deployment for a year. From there I got accepted into flight school. It was a lot of blood,sweat, and tears. I thought I would spend the rest of my career as a pilot. But there was an opportunity to be a military social worker. Not the greatest but I got my masters degree. I had the opportunity to take the train the trainer that the army offers and while I was doing that I had my stroke. And now I am retired. So if you have a stroke that kills about 99% of the people who have one,  go ahead,but I don't recommend it.

So it has been a long and interesting ride. I don't recommend it to anyone but it gives me a unique perspective. 

I think I was kind of sick yesterday. Not something I want to repeat. But it wasn't to bad otherwise. 

I have been meaning to write more this week but it has been a crazy week for me and I have been a lot more tired than usual lately. 

I would like to make this longer but I am not sure what to say right now.  Take care everyone.  

Sunday, February 16, 2014

You may take this any way you want, I don't care. Sara and I shared a statement. Part of that statement went like this. 

" If you have any questions, please direct them to both of us.  We are united in this. We will continue to work together on Nathan's recovery and on raising our children. Our relationship will be different, but we will still be there for each other."

What part of talk to both of us,Sara AND Nathan, do people not understand? 

I can get very upset if you want me to. 

Some people just seem to want to put there noses in our business. Please stop. Desist. If you want to talk to one of us be prepared to talk with both Sara AND Nathan. Otherwise the answer is no and we can talk about something else. 

 I love my Sara more than anything. That may sound strange to some people but its a fact. I don't want to hear another word about it. Is she not perfect? Yes. 

Like it has been said the whole need no physician.  She has what I would say are her fair share of faults. So do I.

She has been here to see me  almost everyday.  Who else can say that?  I am grateful for all that she has done for me and continues to do for me. Plus, she is the mother of four very energetic kids. Please shut up because she has decided to come see me. You are talking about the mother of my children and the one person I hold most dear. I am probably preaching to the choir so be it.

"Pure religion and undefiled before god and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and the widows in there affliction..."(New Testament, James 1:27)   I am pretty sure I would or could fall into one of the categories listed.  I want to ask one more time, please plan on talking to her and me if you want to talk about things. Otherwise please be quiet concerning the matter.  

You may think that if you are talking about things and one of us is not there you are ok. Please stop anyway.  It maybe hard for some. Please don't talk anyway. I know this may be difficult if not impossible for some. Tough.  Do you think I wanted to have a stroke. Let's all put on our big people underwear and be adults about things. 

How much thing can change in one day. You might know soon enough.  

Friday, February 14, 2014.

So I need to say and I know I did in another post but it is so exciting to me and I think my left foot is moving more. Sure it's not moving a lot but the fact that it is moving is so cool I just can't say. 

So there is an attempt to give me a med without telling me about it or what it is. that is a no go. Do I have a problem with meds? No. Would I and should I be told if you want to give me a new med. Yes. I am not going do refuse my meds but I guess they will have to explain all the meds I am given for a while. I wish people would try to talk to me first. Is it an inconvenient for them. Sure. Just talk to me first. I was given a new med last week and I didn't care, two different people talked to me about it before I was given it. But I am going to ask that all the meds are spelled out for me.  

So the other evening we had a party that had spaghetti.  It was fun even though only three people came. It was nice to talk with the people that came. 

I got to go to a the military base it was pretty cool. There was a party and it was pretty fun. Since we were all in wheel chairs we were the first people to get to go through the line.  I don't think I am very unique. I guess I could be. I have had the opportunity to meet some people and they seem to always be in pain. And I think to myself that this is crazy. How lucky/blessed am I.   

After the party and bingo we went looking around. It was so much fun that it is hard to explain.  We were looking around the BAMC hospital grounds and it was so cool to see everything there. It was so fun for me to be out that late. I haven't been out that late in a while. It wasn't very late but for me it was late. The people were very cool and the location was awesome. We were not out what most people would consider late but it was sure fun. 

I better post this quick.

I hope everyone is doing well. 

Sunday, February 9,2014.

So I guess a few people read what is posted on the internet. 

Maybe it will catch on. 

So I guess this post is different. Not that I know how but if you figure it out let me know. 

I am writing a little later than normal. I have been trying to get myself settled in here. I think I am having a bit of a routine. 

I guess I have been put in a special category. I guess I am mostly a veteran. Anyway, there was a pizza party the other day and it was kind of fun to meet some of the people and to play spades. I guess I did pretty well they said, I don't know. 

I met some other vets, male and female it was kind of fun. 

It's kind of funny, I think my right arm is getting a little bit bigger than my left arm. If you havea seen Lady in the Water it is kind of like the one guy that has different size arms. My arms are not that different. But if I keep it up we'll see.  

This place is a lot different than the last place. The therapy is so intense that it can really tire me out. Some days I don't want to do anything when I get done. So I just put my chair back and I just relax. It's kind of crazy in a way I am doing what we talked about in the army, leave it all on the mat. 

I don't have enough energy except to get myself ready for bed. And there are plenty of times I don't want to move. Well take care. 

Thursday February 6 2014

I decided I need to tell people I can move my left foot. It is so exciting that to me that I can hardly tell you.  

I have been able to move my right foot for a while but my left foot has only moved downward.  Until this week. I can move my left foot.  It is so exciting.  

I think I have made some of the nurses and CNA's nervous by the fact that I am trying to stand by myself without any help. Not that I want to make people nervous. But it is kind of fun to make some people nervous. 

I really made myself and some of the staff nervous. I end up falling out of my chair.  It made me so nervous that I started laughing. I didn't get hurt if you are wondering. But my chair got a little bent and I had to wait until the next day to get it straightened out. Anyway I had to sit on the floor for a while I waited for some people to come and help me get back into my chair.

I guess I need to not to try to bend over so far,  but I also learned that I can't rely on my right arm. It is really hard to know what my right side is doing, and sometimes when I do know it's still hard to stop my right side sometimes. I might not have had the problem I had but I was leaning slightly to my right and the controller for my chair is on the right. I guess I will need to turn off my chair in the future. 

Maybe I need to practice with my right hand more. I haven't done that in a while on my chair. 

Well this is my gift to everyone to everyone I was not going to write any thing but then I had to tell people about my foot. 

February 2 2014 news flash

This is not an easy time for us.

After making a difficult decision, we have decided to divorce. This is something that we began last year, but put on hold.

This is not a decision we take lightly, so please treat us accordingly. 

We still love each other, and we want this to be as smooth as possible. This is what we feel is right. 

Please do not tell our children. We will do that. 

You are more than welcome to talk to us about it. 

 If you have any questions, please direct them to both of us.  We are united in this. We will continue to work together on Nathan's recovery and on raising our children. Our relationship will be different, but we will still be there for each other.

Nathan

Sara

January 30 , 2014, Thursday

This place is nice but it is really different.  It is so different I am still not sure what to think. I am not sure that I am overly apriciative of everything that all the therapists are doing. But maybe I am just a jerk. And I am need to learn to be more humble. 

I have made it a point to try to stay up until 9:00 at night. Then I can sleep a little more. 

It is very nice to be in a bigger  bed and I can roll over in. They brought a cabnet so now I have a place to keep all my clothes. And with the video Game system that was brought. I am not sure what to think. After two days of being here I am not sure what to think. 

I guess we will see. 

Tuesday January 28 2014. New place again.

Well I am in a new place again. 

It doesn't seem to be bad at all. We will see in the morning. 

It is newer like the first place was. The room is bigger. I think the food is different.  The bathroom is bigger. Seems like it might be the nicest so far. At the last place I had a roommate for one night and that was enough for me. I am a little bit prejudice I think considering the last place I was. Not about what race you are, I don't care, but it might be a little bit of prejudice about mental ability. 

One thing that this place is that they gave me an orientation of sorts. 

Well I will let you know more later right now let's see. 

Sunday January 26 2014.

It was the best of times it was the worse of times. 

My brother, just younger than me, came to visit. It has been nice to see him. It has been nice to sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing. I wish he could have stayed longer.  It was really nice.  He lives in Minnesota were it really gets cold. In many ways it was one of the best weeks in a while. I was hoping to take him to the knife show, but he had to make has way back home. It was really nice to see him. 

Now something that I want. http://www.matiarobotics.com.  Maybe some day soon.  

My friend shared it with me yesterday when she was visiting. I think it would be awesome.  I think I could use it now. I had very limited strength for a while but now I could probably use it.

Today my kids went to church with me it was very good. I had to get up kind of early but it was pretty good. 

I was told that I would have a roommate and I was told that the room would be rearranged.  That was not cool to me, the rearranging not the fact that I was getting a room mate. Well the person hasn't come yet and I am ok with that. I think if the room was rearranged I would have a very hard time with that. The first day I was here they were trying to put me in a different room and the way the it was arranged it was very hard to manouver my chair.  I went to talk with someone, and I found a nurse. She explained that the room would not have to be have to be rearranged. So I was ok. 

This has been a very eventful week.   

Wensday January 22 kinda (really the 24th)

My eyes are a thing of confusion for people. If you ask me, my body is body is broken. I have pretty good vision. I was told that it have 20/15 vision. So not to bad. 

The biggest problem. I have a blind spot I have noted in my right eye, but they did a test and it's the same in both eyes.

To try to explain this. If you consider each eye by itself draw a line up and down to divide it in half. Have another line that divides the eye horizontally in half. Now the part of both my eyes that can't see and was tested is the upper right quadrant when I am looking forward. I don't notice the left eye. The right eye I do notice. I have a difficult time seeing some things completely so I have to turn my head to the right to get the whole picture. 

I can still see to read but I have noticed sentences that just end so I have to turn my head to see the end of the sentence. I have also noticed that my right eye will feel like it is throbbing intermittently but like so many other things it comes and goes.  

And in other news, tuesday I want to the dentist.  And technically I am still in the military so I had to go to the dentist on post.  It wasn't difficult until I got there.

I had to have to go to the one on post and I didn't have my ID.  And what could have been really easy wasn't. From one building me and the nurse that was with me had to go to another building and we had to go to two  different offices before we could go back to the dentist. Thank goodness the people were nice that helped.  To make a long story short I was finally able to get got back to the dentist and we got in.  

I normally I stay in my chair when I go to appointments and this time was no different.   The checked out my teeth and then I had an impression of my teeth done twice.

that was interesting. I have had two other night guards since i had my stroke. And it was not the most painful experience but I do not do not remember having the first impression done and I was at a place that did almost every thing in house. So it was really easy. For the second We took an elevator and walked a bit. No problem.  For my first one they brought it to me the night guard. As far as I know I was still "asleep". But according to my wife I was grinding my teeth really bad. I am probably lucky I had teeth left. It is not as easy to take care of my teeth as it once was.  

Now I have an electric toothbrush and it works pretty good.  I can't even use a manual toothbrush properly.  To make long story short take care of your self and your teeth.