Thursday 31 December 2015.....Happy...,,

Life. 

Death. 

Things of that nature. 

So. 

That's life. 

Monday 28 December 2015......and again.

One of my all time favorites. Describes me to well. 

Describes me very well as far as interpersonal skills are considered. 

Friday 25 December 2015......wow

To smart for my own good. 

Maybe I'll be lucky and die. Put me out of everyones misery. 

Now you see part of the reason I'm not writing. 

Put down the phone.  It's called sarcasm. 

Thursday 24 December 2015

Not my favorite but really good. 

Happy Christmas. 

Tuesday 22 December 2015......Hmmm.

I don't think that I will write to much for a while. I feel like I could offend the devil right now. 

Enjoy the pictures I post. Try not to read to much into what I post. It's pretty random. 

Despair.com

Tuesday 15 December 2015....*****.

I ask a friend some advise. She lives in Brazil. She does not know all of my problems. I like to keep my concerns private. We all have our own concerns. We are here to help each other if needed. We rely on each other more than we need to or should I would say. 

I want to share with you what my friend shared with me. I will paraphrase. 

"I do not know exactly what your concerns are. You say it is about other people and your limited abilities. What really matters is you, what you feel, not the others. If you are feeling sad because of your limitations, you just have to talk with The One that permitted this. The One that has the reasons and the way to make you feel better.  I believe all of us suffer or will have to suffer something during this life! We all know it is a life of testing. It is a time to test our faith. What happens with others, what they think or feel, doesn't matter. It is difficult, but this is also part of the plan...I believe that we live here on Earth and it is part of the plan God had for us, some can deal with problems, others can not. What kind of person are you? 

So far I think you are the kind of person that can pass through all kinds of difficulties..., you just can not  quit. This is your life. You don't need more miracles, you have had a lot!!!! You need more patience and to believe that all things are possible to The One that you serve! You know that He can, and He is the only one that can make you understand everything, even other people's short fall's!

Man, you are a super hero, you need to start to use the miracles you have received to help others to believe, and to strengthen their faith to find the way. Stop thinking in your limitations. Stop thinking and focusing on things you are weak in, you are strong enough to focus on things better than this. Your mind it is not limited, your soul and spirit don't have limits. Bad feelings do not come because of the Holy Spirit, they come because of Satan, he wants to destroy our faith. He definitely knows how to do that."

Her words were what I needed.  And why I say we don't  need to try to do to much at times. 

A scripture comes to mind. 

 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;

 Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began, (1 Timothy 1:7-9, New Testament.)

Maybe you believe different than I do. That's ok. 

We are capable of so much more than any of us do. I include myself in that statement. 

So often we strive for the lowest common denominator. We can all do better if we will. 

My friend opened my eyes to what I need to focus on more. 

The other thing that I think about a lot is my kids. 

They are smart. Dang smart. 

So kind and loving. 

At times they can drive you crazy. That's kids. 

My one boy always surprises me by how much he notices. I have thought that he would just keep playing computer games. He does but he is usually very affectionate first. He has his own way of doing things but he is beyond smart. 

I hate the way so much of what I say comes out of my mouth as though I'm screaming. I don't want my kids or any one to think I can only scream at them. I want people to think of me as kind. Unfortunately I have to talk. It's kind of a needful. That last sentence was sarcasm. 

Friday 11 December 2015

So. Something different.

Despair.com. Wonderful. I thought I would share a couple. One I just like. The other I feel describes me pretty well. 

Those are funny. So true also. I was once told the best jokes are at least 50% true. I believe it. 

Who says I can't laugh and make fun of my own life. It's laugh or cry. Laughing is easier on me and anyone I may be around. 

Monday, 7 December 2015.......Blah.

I am going to share something I have had to endure for a long time. 

My last name is CHRISTIANSEN not CHRISTENSEN. Both fine names. One is my name, the other is not. 

My name Christiansen. KRISTY-AN-SEN or KRICHY-AN-SEN.

Christensen. KRISTEN-SEN. Or how ever they want it pronounced. 

That my be an over simplification. It will do. 

Some people may think I'm picking at nits. Maybe. 

Your name could be spelled G-E-O-R-G-E but you pronounce it FRED. Who am I to say your wrong. 

My point is your name is yours. 

Are there absolute right and wrong at times? Sure. Names are a little more flexible. But please get mine right. 

Thursday 3 December 2015.....Still thinking.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

Walt Disney

Tuesday 1 December 2015.....eh.

I'm contemplating what I should post.

Just remember the title of the blog.  

Thursday 26 November 2015.....Happy Thanksgiving.

I have been contemplating. 

Actions speak louder than words. 

Also

Actions speak louder than coaches. 

Both have there own degree of truth. 

I heard a quotation by  Ralph Waldo Emerson: “What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.”

The concept of what we do and what we say has been around for a long time. I am really one of the worst people to watch in many ways. I try to be as sweet and kind as I can in as many ways as I can. There are times that the effects of my stroke can take such control of me that I truly pity whoever gets in my way. 

I am a mental health Social Worker by training. If had the opportunity to sit in both chairs. As the patient and the helper. I don't feel like going to one would help a lot. I know how the game is played and I'm not up for that. Maybe they could help but that is another story. I find that talking with others works better. I have just had to learn to be brutally honest with myself. Not always the easiest. I will admit I don't like it when others ask me some hard questions. I just have to keep in mind that I am not perfect. Others aren't either. 

In my scripture reading I came across this again. 

My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation.

 For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.

 Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.

 Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.

 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

 For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:

 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.

 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

 Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

 Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.

 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.

 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.

 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.

(James 3, New Testament.)

The next chapter is good and helpful also. 

 From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?

 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.

 Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?

 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.

 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.

 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

 There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.

 But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.

 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

(James 4)

I have been doing a little more reading 

 The ends of the earth shall inquire after thy name, and fools shall have thee in derision, and hell shall rage against thee;

 While the pure in heart, and the wise, and the noble, and the virtuous, shall seek counsel, and authority, and blessings constantly from under thy hand.

 And thy people shall never be turned against thee by the testimony of traitors.

 And although their influence shall cast thee into trouble, and into bars and walls, thou shalt be had in honor; and but for a small moment and thy voice shall be more terrible in the midst of thine enemies than the fierce lion, because of thy righteousness; and thy God shall stand by thee forever and ever

 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

(Doctrine & Covenants: 122)

I hope no one thinks I hold myself in such high esteem. I am really the least of the least. Like anyone I have my times when I think that I can do no wrong. The fact that I had a stroke gives me a unique perspective and I see things in a very different light. My insight is different. I don't encourage anyone to have a stroke to gain insight. 

I am in my manual chair for a few days. Very difficult for me. I can only push myself so far. If I'm on carpet it's even harder. I want to practice more with my manual chair but the last time I did l had to use the restroom so badly that it was hard for me to get into my electric chair. 

I really do think that I am beyond broken some days. Physically it is very hard for me to do somethings. Emotionally I am beyond messed up in so many ways. Spiritually I have had to learn how I can get answers all over again. Mentally I seem to catch myself at times, but nothing that is quantifiable.

I hate so many things about my life right now. Who would want to be me? 

Thursday 19 November 2015.......sigh.

Once upon a time I worked as a mental health professional. It sounds a lot cooler than it was. This one lady had been coming in for a while. I could not figure out what seemed to be troubling her. In an effort to get a better picture of the subject and the situation I ask her to have her husband come in. Now three years later I can see what part of the difficulty for the lady was. It was her husband. The person someone would hope would love her more than anything, was not allowing her to live down a problem from their past. The situation could have easily been reversed. I have begun to wonder how often we hold on to something from our own past or someone else's past. We are all well past perfect. We don't need someone else to actively remind us about how crumby we were and are. Hopefully others can help us see the good and the potential that each of us carry. It's a pipe dream I know. 

When I was in Officer Candidate School one of the instructors gave us an object lesson than was very hard to forget. We all had "smart books". If we didn't refer to them he gave us a rock to carry. Before the end everyone was carrying a rock. We had very little time and I have no idea how we could possibly look something up. That was part of the lesson. Are we using our resources and references? Are things that could help us weighing us down and becoming extra weight? Why don't we use them?  Are we weighing down our spouse or significant other. Are we doing our best to make the other person feel miserable? Wouldn't it be better to make other people feel better. 

Life sucks sometimes. That is not a reason to sacrifice another persons happiness. Someone once told me that in order to make sure I was happy most of the time I should focus on others needs.  I may need to do that more. 

There are so many reasons that I could be upset about life. That would not help if I shared them all. For the most part no one really cares. We my say we do, but we all have our own troubles. I'm not saying we shouldn't help each other. When it comes down to it.  Are we talking so that others can hear our thoughts or is help and helping really needed? It's a tough call we all have to make individually. Good luck. We all need it. 

I have been going to a gym. It can have its very challenging moments. I said I wanted to focus on activities on my left side. The one person felt that that could mean I could do the activities on my left side while standing. Bad idea. I think it took more energy to stand and do exercises than was reasonable. Just standing required more energy than the exercises I would say. I may look tough. I would say my 5-year-old could thrash me if she wanted to. 

Tuesday 17 November 2015......same old stuff again.

So I do have more to say and I will put it here. I hope you don't mind. 

In case people don't know, I had a stroke. I would hope it's obvious by now. Somedays I wonder. 

I think some people have a mistaken understanding that my stroke made me a more pleasant person or only effected my body. In many ways it may have. I really doubt it had much effect in making me more pleasant. If anything I would dare say that it made me more inclined to insist on my own way. 

Can I be sweet and kind. Sure. In fact I insist I be most of the time.  I would say I have to be sickly sweet so that people can tolerate to be around me. I can really be downright nasty and mean. 

My mother and her husband came and lived in San Antonio for a time partially to help me. I am forever beyond grateful for the time that they were here and the assistance they provided me. My mother mentioned once that she was very tired of me acting so rotten to her. I have been thinking about why I did. It has only taken me over a year and a half to come to a possible understanding of why I may have acted like I did. 

I was in some kind of facility for a year. I don't recommend that for many reasons. My mother and her husband came from Utah to Texas multiple times to visit. I would venture to guess that I was so "starved" for attention that it was very easy for me to be "nice". After my mom was here full time I got the attention I was in such need of. I was able to be nice for a time but for whatever reason I arrived at my breaking point and I could go no further. 

Am I a "jerk" because of my stroke? I would love it if that were the reason. Am I just a just a "jerk" and my stroke has made it worse? I hope not. The simple fact is I have to put forth a lot of effort to be "nice" when it would be so much easier to just be the "jerk". In many ways I guess you could say I am at my breaking point right now. 

I started going to a gym that specializes in working with people in wheelchairs. I wasn't feeling overly emotional about anything.  If I opened my mouth it was impossible for me not to cry.  I hate how that happens. It leads lots of people to wrong conclusions. We can all cry for lots of reasons besides the fact we may be sad. 

If I am really in trouble I will let someone know. I get very bothered that people automatically apply the same "rules" to me as they do to everyone else. Maybe that is a good thing and a compliment. The fact is I had a stroke, a brain injury. In many ways the normal rules don't work for me. I am not saying that I shouldn't be held to them. It's almost like asking a basketball team to play using football rules. I'm sure you can but it would make a lot of complications.  All I think is most days I'm as messed up as a football bat. Yes I know, I know. 

Saturday 14 November 2015.....watch out.

A movie that I like a lot is "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". The book is great also. I highly recommend reading it or rereading it.   I recommend the most recent movie. The main character Arthur Dent lays in front of a bulldozer in order to stop his house from being demolished. A person tells him his house needs to be remove. Arthur's response, "We'll see who rusts firsts."  I quite like that response and feel that way myself at times. 

I have a lot to say. If you read or share this with your kids I suggest you review what I say from here on out before you do this time. There are no "bad" words. It might be kind of concerning what I say. Your call. 

I can be ruthless. I do not like that part of me. It exists none the less. 

I can usually see a better way. Some times it is impossible for me to go that way. Once I start down a path it is very hard, if not impossible, for me to change my course.  I have tried and failed. Not times than I care to think about. I can "see" a better way but for whatever reason I cannot change course. I can "stop" myself with considerable effort but by then the damage is usually done. 

I have be thinking about what to post for a few days now. 

I posted this the other day. 

Linus:  My lifestyle makes your lifestyle possible. 

David: I resent that. 

Linus:  So do I. 

Sebrina (1996).

I am sure people have their own thoughts about why I share that quote. I dare say whatever you think is most likely wrong. Money is not something I am overly concerned about. I do have my concerns about money but not as many as some would think. Like has been said "they are printing more of it (money) every day."

I am an intensely private person. Pretty much impossible for me now.  I have never liked people to talk about me or my situation. To bad for me, especially since my stroke. I had a stroke. In many ways I would say leave it at that.  There is nothin l, or anyone can do to change that fact. The fact that other people talk about me as if I am some sort of "entertainment" bothers me incessantly. There have been times when I excuse myself to leave for a time and hope that without my presents the subject will change from me. Often it doesn't. I am not a person who likes to be the "topic" of conversation. If you are using my life to give you "social mileage" I ask you to please stop. You may think "Oh, I am not saying anything bad."  The fact is, it's my life and not other people's entertainment. If I am not there with you, I would conceder the fact that you are talking about me Gossip. I said the G word. There goes life again. Maybe you aren't saying anything "bad" about me. The fact that I am not there to "defend" myself is very frustrating. I know some people might consider what I write "harsh". Get over it. If people talk about me please stop.  That seems to be the thought. 

I have moments that I think I can do no wrong and then I very much regret what I have done or said. I shared a possible blog post with a friend. It was overly ruthless and personal. I have rewritten it at least three times. Most likely more.  In many ways I like writing because it gives me a kind of filter that talking doesn't. Writing is very hard for me. Talking is very hard for me. Both talking and writing can have there advantages and disadvantages. You choose for yourself which you prefer. 

There are people that have had the misfortune of experiencing my "nasty" side. If you are ever around when it comes out I am sorry. There have been people that have had the displeasure of experiencing my ugliness and still tolerate me anyway. All I can say is thank you for being willing to continue working with me. 

I was very surprised at how I can be at times. Especially after I reread some of my own abuse. I dare call it that because I would have a very hard time getting past what I may say. I am very grateful that there are people that can be so forgiving. 

Once when I was at the hospital the Nurse that helped me get to bed was very late. I tried to think of the most kind and polite things I could say and just brush off the fact that he was late.   As soon as he came into my room everything I intended was out the window. I lost all control. I have had similar  experiences that end just as bad. I hate that it can be just as hard for me to maintain control. There was another nurse that was a reservist. He offered me some advice. I thought while he was talking to me, what he was saying made sense. The problem was that I had tried what he was saying. Lots of people had mentioned it to me in some fashion. The simple fact is I would love things to be easier for me. It would be easier for others as well. 

I live across the street from a Target. Several restaurants are near also. I love the fact that things are so close to me. If I have to, or really want to, I can go in my chair to do different things. Some things are so difficult for me that I have learned that it is much easier for someone else to help me. I can do quite a lot myself, to many people's surprise. I get tired so easily by some things that it is much easier to let others help me, as much as I can dislike others to do things for me. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking. I think that being what is called a snowbird, or winter Texan, might be the right idea for me. Utah or Alaska. Maybe both. 

There are so many things about my life that I would like to have more control over. Who wouldn't.

I have been considering a new wheelchair. I thought I would send out a couple examples of what I have been considering. If you have any thoughts I would love to hear them.  

http://youtu.be/bTmv0aB7P0o

http://www.ezlitecruiser.com/products/ez-lite-cruiser-deluxe-dx12?variant=4207296836

Thursday 12 November 2012......ugh.

Linus:  My lifestyle makes your lifestyle possible. 

David: I resent that. 

Linus:  So do I. 

-Sabrina (1996)

Awesome movie. 

Monday 9 November 2015......it's night.

I have been thinking that I need to mention a subject that is very important for everyone. We don't think about it unless we have to. Food and eating. 

Like most anyone I like to eat. I don't eat like I did before my stroke. If things weren't so hard for me to eat I would be a butterball. Eating is a lot more difficult than it once was. I don't eat just because something is there. Snacking is just as difficult as an actual meal. I will just have the meal. We have so much eating that is just incidental. Everything I do has to be very thought out. 

I tried to eat while I had a comedy show on. I ended up laughing so much that I almost choked. I had to turn off the show while I was eating. Conversations while I am eating are bad. Laughing is horrible. In many ways I hate how hard it is to eat. 

Sitting at a table and eating not a problem. Being anywhere else and eating is very hard. If I go to a fast food place I take the food home or stay there to eat if I can. Eating on the go is almost a futile effort. 

One thing that I have had to learn is to have one plate of food and stop eating. I don't feel full. One day I ate a whole deep dish pizza by myself. I was trying to see if I would feel full. It didn't happen. One night I went to a Brazilian restaurant with my mom and her husband. They finally had to say they were ready to go. When we got home and I was getting ready for bed my stomach hurt because it had so much food in it. I still didn't feel "full". The skin on my abdomen was stretching and that was no fun. 

One thing about me is I am a box of surprises and I'm always learning something new about myself. I don't recommend it. 

Last thing I will say right now. I do my best to talk calmly and as normal as possible. I usually end up screaming. Then because I end up screaming. I feel really bad and end up bawling. My recommendation is don't have a stroke. 

Friday 6 November 2015......have a day.

I just can't seem to win for losing. Everything seems to fall down around me. 

Maybe I just complain to much. Well at least I can go to dinner with my kids. I am still the kind of person that would like things to go faster for me. I should be used to everything being slow for me. I guess I am. I still want some things to be faster at times. For example I thought I could go swimming by myself. Getting in the water easy. Getting back into my chair, much harder.  I have these thoughts that everything should be easier than it is. 

It's starting to be colder in texas. 

I want to just bawl like there is no tomorrow. Not because it's colder. I just want to bawl. 

I have been contemplating life. Things seem to happen in such a manner that I have little if any control over. I do not know why the Lord has seen fit to let me be faced by the challenges I have. I honestly feel like I have more than my far share some days. Whatever happens to me is whatever happens. I have been studying and reviewing the following for a few days. 

"Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way--but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen."(2 Nephi 4:16-35,The Book of Mormon)

In some ways maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Occupational Hazard. But in other ways I am spot on I would say. 

One thing that I get to tolerate is other people's biases. We all have them. Even me. But one of the things I really hate is people who make the assumption that because I am in a wheelchair I'm stupid. I dare say that I am smarter than 90% of all the people out there.  Are there lots of things I don't know?  Sure. But I am far from stupid. I had a stroke. Physically, I am a mess. Emotionally, things are very hard for me. I read slow but I never read fast. The only reason I can't do some things is because there is more physicality involved than we would like to think there is. The fact that I can type, even with one finger, is pretty amazing. 

I really hate being in a wheelchair somedays. Mainly because I am not easily forgettable. I would love to just fade into crowds. That is not an option for me. How forgettable is a person in a wheelchair?   Especially when I do so much. 

In many ways I would say that my life sucks. Not for the reasons you might think. 

I really do have an amazing life in so many ways. I will admit I wish someone else were lucky enough to have my life.  

Monday 2 November 2015.......yeah.

I have had a few days to consider many things. This quote that comes to mind. "He also serves who sits and waits."  For anyone that knew me in my previous life, before my stroke, I was the kind of person that tried to do whatever I could to make things work the way I wanted. I am not nearly so foolhardy now, in my second life post stroke. 

I come from a long line of talkers. I can be good to talk at moments. I have found there to be more power in listening. Talk really gets in the way of your ability to listen. 

I thank everyone that has participated with me in my fast. I am getting some answer already. I know nothing is on my timetable. Sometimes we give a fish and the person gives us a serpent in return. I say continue to provide fish as best as you can. The day may come when you are told you can do something different. 

I will let you know more. 

We went trick or treating the other night. We were in a really good neighborhood. The worst was my little girl got a blister so that ended the trick or treating. We went back to my place. My daughter rode on my chair to save her feet. We watched a movie and went to bed. To easy. Sort of. Nothing is easy for me.

I do not understand why the Lord has seen fit to bless me with what I have. As Job in the Old Testament said, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I have to say that my life is really a pain right now.   

Friday 30 October 2015.......sigh.

I wish things were more straight forward concerning strokes. For the longest time I did not understand why I had the "shiver" reflex all the time. I wasn't cold but it happened all the time. One day I was reading a stroke website for one of the foundations. I learned that the "shiver" reflects is normal. Some people get it and some don't. It doesn't seem to have any effect if I'm concentrating on something. I sort my pills and it has never bothered me then. Right now while I am typing it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe the act of concentration reduces or eliminates the likelihood of it happening. 

I want to say something.  I do not appreciate some people putting things away for me and not telling me where they are. I just made a discovery of some of my pills. They had been put out of sight from me. Out of sight means out of mind. 

I know some people think they may be helping me. If I can't find it or reach it it is not helpful. Are you trying to help me or yourself?  

Because of this I am considering removing all the cupboard doors. Maybe that's a bit extreme. 

I have been contemplating my memory some more these days. And have come to the conclusion that my memory is not what it used to be. I still have an amazing long term memory. Some short term things I loose track of easily. Not sure what to do. All the tests say I'm amazing. It seems that some intermediate things can be a little more trouble for me. 

Wednsday 28 October 2015.....my thought exactly (sort of).

No man controls my destiny. Especially one that attacks down wind and smells of garlic. -Azheem. Robin Hood prince of theives (1991)

Monday 26 October 2015......so now.

So I have arrived at a moment that I understand a little bit better. 

Some people may say that I am just making excuses for myself. I might say the same thing. From what I understand I had a stroke. You can say I am using it as my excuse. Feel what you like. I can only explain. 

I like to think of myself as very smart. I have had all kinds of psychology tests and people say I'm a rock star. Some things of my memory are less than desirable. There are things that are so vague that it is amazing that I can remember anything at all. 

I can do my own finances and pay all my bills. I can read and understand all kinds of literature no worries. I can get to the store or the sonic down the street. I can do quite a lot. 

It is easy for me to forget things. I forget how badly I had been coughing at night before I was   diagnosed with pneumonia. A friend had heard me coughing and said something so I remembered. 

I worked in a sewing machine store before my stroke. This one lady and her husband came frequently. He had had a stroke. He could tell me more about the functionality of some machines than I knew. He always seemed to be upset. He wasn't. I thought to myself "what is his problem?"  "Act nice." His wife just smiled. He acted so mean and angry. He was really quite nice. 

Now me. The fact that I had a stroke has given me a better and unique perspective. I have so many things that are hard for me to understand. The external effects of my stroke are obvious. Wheelchair. Speech. Movement. There are so many small things you can't see. Mostly mental. I have discovered that I have no problem doing somethings I found questionable before my stroke. There have been lots of things I noticed myself doing that I conciously decide I need to change. The intonation of my voice. I was really monotone for some time. Before I found out I had pneumonia I could not stop myself from crying. In the middle of the summer people say it's hot. I don't notice for a long time. 

Those are a few of the things I get to learn about myself. 

I talk very slow. I wonder if there are times that my thinking process is that slow to. There are days that I can talk fast. There are days that I can't get words past my teeth. 

Some things can take me so long I give up. 

I don't know how to give up properly. I don't know how to start properly. 

Thursday 22 October 2015.....don't read to much into it. Wishful thinking on my part.

Just some quote that I thought were fun. 

I'll write more later. 

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

Richard Bach

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/richardbac136009.html#tp98YEIkW7X15HAe.99

It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lewisbsme133588.html#SateeCWTRCiEvezp.99

Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship.

Lord Byron

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lordbyron385752.html#eCc0DW8E6kZwJTrj.99

Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods.

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/deniswaitl135135.html#BI3v7O29a5KJOL6m.99

A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/rainermari393352.html#2QgxVxH5g5hwt3dr.99

There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/bryanthmc168276.html#tViZRZRTYH8xsJOS.99

The one who loves the least, controls the relationship

 http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/r/robertanth125930.html#FCRSxB3oOM9dK0HE.99

Monday 19 October 2015.....lalala

I really think I am going to pause the writing of my own. I will still post. The thing that concerns me is that some think that I am a "piece of work". 

One thing that I have studied for about 27 years is personality types. I learned about "The Color Code/People Code" when I was 15. For several years I thought it was ideal. It's ok but I would say there are more easy methods to understand. 

I am more inclined to the "Insight Learning". It is similar to "The People Code/Color Code". It is more similar to the "Myers-Briggs personality type indicator". I am quite fond of both. In many ways my family thought that my obsession with "The Insight Learning" Method made me more "weird" than normal. At times I've had different levels of enthusiasm about my study of personality. Overall I think that it has much more influence on any of us than we want to give credit. We are a product of how we were raised and the external world has more influence on us than we are willing to admit. We are also hard wired in a way that influences us in countless ways. We are all unique. Just because mom and dad were a certain way doesn't mean the kids will be. 

Our personality is fixed. It is also a part of everything that makes us us. 

One of my professors from college, that introduced the concept of personality to me said after talking about it with us, "I've just given you enough information to make you dangerous."  There really is so much we don't know it's amazing we know anything at times. There is a lot that we don't understand. 

I would dare say I have shifted into a lower gear but I am still trying to go full speed. I am out of esteem. When that happens I can get overly analytical. I can analyze something to pieces. 

I can be ruthless right now. I very much do not want anyone to have to experience that. You my be smart. I dare say I am smarter. I am talking in very general term. You my be amazing at math science or whatever. My specialty is theater. Technical theater at that. If you wanted my to act and it was a tragedy you would laugh yourself to tears or cringe with horror. I was a technician and an analyzer of plays. I could help build sets or costumes from designing to building I was awesome. Not so much anymore. I do not have the dexterity to do any kind of work with my hands. I am limited to what I can type on my iPad or phone, computers are to hard. I was never the best by any stretch of the imagination. I was good. I really quite liked charter analysis. And it was very fun. It led me to a road were I became a Social Worker. I liked to analyze characters in plays. Somehow I got confused and thought I wanted to help analyze real people. Not the same thing. Similar in aspects but not the same. I like theater and writing quite a lot. I think the concepts have more application than we might think. Theater as an art form is almost to much. It is very powerful and wonderful. In this day and age it is almost self indulgent. I love it. 

I have had the dubious privilege of having many different occupations. There is more that is interrelated than we care to admit. I maybe think to much. I will survive whether you like it or not. I'm pretty sure you will to. 

There is a lot I want to write. It is probably a good thing that I don't remember what I want to express because I would most likely offend everyone I know in some form or another. If you haven't had your fill of abuse just let me know and I can laugh at you for a while. If you really want to be screamed at and told how rotten you are I ask that you find someone else to fulfill your desire

Don't leave. Don't expect much from me. 

 

Monday 12 October 2015

I have some more to say than other days. 

I know many people mean well but their choice can make life miserable for someone else. 

I am mainly thinking of nursing homes, skilled nursing facilities and similar places. They can do a great service. The thing I think we need to do some soul searching and ask is the reason in sending them there for the other persons benefit or for mine. 

My grandmother lived out the last years of her life in a nursing home. My father wanted her to live with us. The doctor I'm told said something like, "I'm sure your intentions are good but at the nursing home she will be around people she knows and grew up with," Still a tough decision but a little more palatable. 

One lady told me her mom put her dad in a nursing home despite his objections. Granted I know very little of the situation. I very much understand his objections. 

Nursing homes and skilled nursing facilities are important and offer a very good and important service. I dare say they are overused. I dare say also that many families could do more of the care themselves. 

After I had been in three facilities people wanted to send me to another. I said I was not going to another place and if they wanted they could put me on the street. This caused a lot of concern with people. Finely my mother and her husband said that I could stay with them. 

I got things set up so I could get to my appointments and the rest is history. 

Granted I am not the typical potato in a wheelchair and I never hope to be. 

I do respectfully ask that you ask me about thing. I do get very tired by things and I am more than likely to get overly emotional with people in many ways. I am always grateful for help. What I ask is are doing something for you or me. That may be a difficult question to ask and answer. Are you "fixing" something for me or yourself. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Please don't let your good intentions become my personal hell. 

Sunday 11 October 2015....remembering the best day ever.

I was so caught up in my own concerns yesterday that I forgot to brag about the best thing ever. 

Yesterday was Marcy,  my best friend, and I's one year anniversary. 

My best decision ever was to marry you. 

I know I am basically broken and can't do everything I want to for you. Everything I have to offer is yours. 

The rest of the world may have their own opinions of us. You are the best in so may ways. 

Saturday 10 October 2015....wow.

So this post?

Some people think I should move to a care facility. I have this to say. I will if you will. 

I get very tired of people talking about me like I'm broken furniture they don't know what to do with. 

It has been said to me why don't you move to Utah with your family. 

What an idea. I can't believe I didn't think of it before. That was sarcasm by the way. 

I could consider being a snow bird. I wouldn't want to stay in Utah. It's cold. Texas can be hot in the summer sometimes but at least it's not as cold as Utah in the winter. 

I love my family. I love people at church.

The one thing that I have to say is the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

There my be undiscovered reasons why I should or could live somewhere else. The simple fact is I like it here. I like the people at church. My kids are here. A lot of my friends are here. 

Just so everyone knows my life sucks in many ways. I do have a very good life in many ways. At the same time I wouldn't wish it on anyone. As I've said before having a stroke is not nearly as much fun as I may make it look. 

I am very much an anomaly in many ways. 

The most obvious is  my stoke and diagnosis. My diagnosis is Locked-in-syndrome. Most people can only move their eyes. I'm kind of lucky I guess because I can move and interact with people in many ways. There are some things I can't do while I'm sitting up. There are things I can't do while laying down. Such is life. 

Next I am an anomaly because of my birth. I am one generation removed from the Great Depression. My father was born in 1939 the year most say was the last year of the Great Depression. I would dare say that because it was a very small community my dad was born and grew up in the effects lingered there longer. I was the only one of my siblings to know my dads father in some form personally. He died in 1976 at the age of 74. My cousin that is the closest in age to me on my fathers side is ten years older than me. My father was the youngest in his family. My mother the oldest child in her family. My dad was ten years older than my mom. 

I was born in 74. My siblings and I could be considered the children of my Grandma Aleda's old age. I remember going to visit her once when I was in college. She was living in a care facility by that time.  I arrived unannounced. As soon as I turned the corner into the room she stayed in her face lit up. It was like nothing I had ever seen. She was a tough lady. I have compared myself to her many times. She had two strokes. She carried on amazingly though all of it. My mothers parents are a tough act to follow. I've never known kinder or more generous people. 

Back to me. I do a lot for myself. It is surprising to some people how much I can do. If I had to do more for myself I could. When I have to do more for myself I usually end up bawling or swearing. Neither one is good. I hate needing people to help me with things. I've had to learn to accept help from others. Not the easiest thing for me to do. There have been times when my emotions win and take control of me. I say something and I am left to my own devices.

Everything I do requires a lot more energy than I think it should. Life is like that. 

I have things I want to do. I have been visiting the veteran organizations to see if they can help somehow. I will try to ask my VA Doctor. It seems like I end up doing things the hard way.

I went to the VA for X-rays and some other things. It seems like I go out for an appointment and it ends up being an all day event.

I don't know why my mind automatically goes to the most complicated solution for a problem. I have been thinking about this one concern for months. The ideas I have are great. The best solution just needs a screwdriver. I am glad I finely came to the realization that a solution could be so simple. I've been doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to come up with a solution. I'm glad I thought of it before I spent any money. 

I feel that I need to express something. At the church I attend we teach "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."  Now I know there are lots of different interpretations of this. Simple fact I really don't care if you worship the rock in your front yard that's your choice. Whatever the teachings are just do your best to live by them. Are there Latter-Day saints who I think are jerks?  Of course. Are there people who claim other faiths that are jerks?  It happens. The one thing I  will say further is this. I think that most people who read this claim to be Christian. John 14:15  "If ye love me, keep my commandments." Also John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Nuff said

Simple fact I can be a jerk like it was nobody else's business. I really hate it when it happens. I keep myself on a very tight leash so I don't become an emotional jerk. The more pleasant emotions can be a pain as will. Each there own kind of annoying. There are moments that I cannot control what comes out. One day I just couldn't stop laughing. Not a problem until I try to do something physical. I have very little control of my body then. My wife can make me laugh easily and it can be very hard to do things. I am an emotional basket case.   

I've said to much. Have a nice day. 

  

Monday 5 October 2015.....let me be somewhere else today.

Well I want to get myself back on the schedule I have for myself. I can keep myself on a pretty tight leash. Some things I have to. Other things not so much. 

Pneumonia. Kids stuff. Paint. Yeah. 

I guess I have a very different perspective of "stuff" than many people. If you want to, ask me ask me sometime. If you don't want to, don't. 

Thursday 1 October 2015....meh

I would have to say that my life is a pain. 

Monday I felt awful. 

My eight year ago old said to me as I was holding him,"Daddy, when are you going to feel better and not be in your wheelchair?"

Kind of funny that he associates my being in a wheelchair with not feeling good. It looks like I need to do some explaining to him. 

I really  do feel quite well. I have days, especially recently, that I get tired and don't want to do anything. 

If I get tired my emotions are hard if not impossible to control. 

I can be quite disagreeable when I am tired. I hate what I become like. 

I guess I need to stop making excuses for myself. 

My advice don't have a excuse, l mean stroke. 

Saturday 26 September 2015......yeah.

I get so tired. It is such a pain in the butt. I hate the way that happens for me. The past few days I have had such a difficult time sleeping. If I roll to either side it is like all my skin gets pulled. That can be very uncomfortable. So I get up. 

I have been thinking a lot. I know l need to stop. Probably won't happen. 

For those that don't know I'm Mormon. If that bothers you in some fashion.....well I want to say something snide but that would not work right now. 

About the best everyday description of the Mormon faith is from the creator of "South Park".   

"I’ve been fascinated with the Mormons for a long time. They are the nicest people in the world. If a religion’s going to take over the world, and the one that really believes 'just be super nice to everyone' takes over, that’s all right with me. Even if it’s all bull----, that’s OK."

Could I say something else. Probably. 

Do I expect everyone to believe the same things as me? No. 

Do I think the same things as my family?  Far from it. 

Do I like Utah?  Sure, it's a great place, it's just the people that make it intolerable. 

If you want to talk with me for a long time I can tell you what I think. If you want to argue I'll leave and you can argue with yourself. I have better things to do with my time. 

I will say is the gospel of Jesus Christ as preached by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as the Mormon church, is true. Does that mean that we cannot discover truth in other places? Of coarse we can. The simple fact is there is more truth and facts than we as humans are willing to accept or acknowledge.  

If you want to mathematically prove that 1=0 you can. We should all know that 1>0.  (https://www.math.hmc.edu/funfacts/ffiles/10001.1-8.shtml ) I do not expect or want anyone to just believe me. I am just as big an idiot in some ways as others are in others. I am pretty dang smart in areas and could put people to shame in other areas. Since my stroke I have learned things that I never thought I would need to know. The fact is we are just human and we are not as smart as we want to think we are. 

Consider that my soapbox. I'm done. 

Wednesday 23 September 2015....here we go again, same old stuff again.

I have been thinking about something that I think needs to be said. There are many people that may think that I am doing things the wrong way. Nothing new for me. 

I have four of the most adorable kids in the world. If you don't believe me just ask me. And if you are still doubting you can judge for yourself. They are pretty dang awesome. 

The fact is they have a pretty awesome mom. Just to make things clear I do not want her back. But she is an amazing lady. 

She is the mother of four very energetic children. Anyone that can work with my kids with as much work as they require is awesome. When they spend the weekend with me I'm exhausted after. She is a very good actress. Our one son has learned to love to perform as well. She can make very amazing cakes. Her decorating skills are pretty amazing. While I would say that I was a better cook than her before my stroke she is very good. (I'm still waiting for the golosh you promised to make me.) She is a very good driver. I am not fearful for my life when I ride with Sara. Incidentally my wife Marcy is a very good driver also. Marcy might say otherwise.  There are lots of reasons why Sara is amazing. I do not have time to list them all. I will reiterate the fact that I do not wish to be back with Sara in anyway. Is she a bad person?  That is for you to decide. I would say no. Your opinion is yours. 

I am trying to find out about a decision that the VA made and trying to find out if the DAV can help me. It comes down to semantics. I had a stroke. No debate there. Is a stroke an injury or an illness. I would say its a silly question but it's the question of the day.

One thing that I do want to make clear is how I use words. If I say I will consider something I may decide yes I may decide no. It is my choice. Everyone has than same privilege. Before my stroke I would talk about everything. I get very tired from talking now. I can still talk your ear off. It makes me very tired to talk these days. I text a lot more. It is such a slow process for me to type anything that it really is a dilemma at times. Type or talk. Neither one is really fun for me. The other reason that I choose typing over talking is the fact that it is easier for me to leave my emotions out of most everything. I can still be overly emotional when I type but it is not as easy. Someone may choose to talk a lot. I choose to talk very little. Who is right? Who is wrong?  I see it as asking which came first the chicken or the egg?  Pointless in my opinion. We all live and die still.

There are so many things that I do want to express to people but for whatever reason I can't. I have a kind of unique perspective. If you have time and can tolerate me I would be glad to share it with you.   

Thursday 17 September 2015....whatever.

I am really not liking recovery from pneumonia right now. I was feeling so tired. I felt great the other day. The next day I was so tired. It could be worse. 

I have a lot to say but it will have to wait. 

Monday 14 September 2015......one day more.

I think I need to expand what I said last time. 

I have a very confusing personal thermostat. I have come to the conclusion that ice cream is not a good thing for me to eat at night. I love ice cream. I think where the cold isn't as concentrated it doesn't seem to have an effect. The first time I felt like I was freezing I remember I had had an ice cream bar before bed. The most recent time I was was at my nephews graduation. He went to get everyone some ice cream just before bed. I thought and felt like I was freezing. When my sister touched me she felt like she was cold. I was burning up. I still thought I was cold.  I had ask for extra blankets and my teeth were chatting so hard I thought they might break. Something was not right. Easy answer no ice cream at night before bed. 

I think I have caused some concern for some people. The way I wrote my last post some my think that I am depressed. I may have more cause to be depressed than most people but I'm not. If I do get depressed I will be sure to tell someone. I worked as a social worker before my stroke. I would like to think that I could hide the fact that I am depressed. I probably couldn't. This one friend said about me "If Nathan were dishonest he'd tell you."  I don't know if I'm like that so much any more but almost.

I don't take to many prescriptions. I have a few supplements also. My wife found out about the supplements for me. Thanks honey. The one is called D-ribose. It's a natural substance that occurs in the food we eat. I have mentioned it before. If I were going to eat food that has it I would eat 19,000 almonds a day. I like almonds but if I ate that many everyday I would have to be rolled around everywhere. I would be a serious fat boy. It's good.  If I don't have it I can be lacking a lot of energy and I can't do anything. 

The other supplement I take is Citicoline. It is amazing. It's taken mostly by people that have memory difficulty. It really helps with the numbness that is constantly on my right side. I ran out of the pills once and before the new shipment got to me I had all kinds of problems. I was very stiff and falling down. All kinds of no fun. The substance is made by our bodies from the food we eat. It's water soluble so it would be hard to get to much.  It is approved by the equivalent to the FDA in several countries. 

Both of them are amazing. 

Now this is my shameless bit of promotion. I use these vitamin/supplements from Le-Vel. Thrive.  Very awesome stuff. If you want to contact my sister, my wife or her brother or sister they can help you out. I will say that I never thought It would work. Oh how wrong I was. It works.  

I went to a family history conference this weekend. I guess some things I do, like this blog, would count as family history in some circles. I guess I am more interested in genealogy and finding out about the people from earlier. I found out about apps for your phone for a few different things. So there is a lot out there. 

I am trying to get some painting done. I wish I could do it, but it is beyond anything I am capable of right now. I can get all the stuff to do the painting easy enough, I just can't paint. I have had my kids help, the young men from church. I don't have much painting that needs done, I just want it done. If anyone knows a decent painter let me know.   

I have been so tired from my pneumonia that it brings back bad memories of having it before. I don't talk because it can take a lot of energy. I do talk but it can take so much of my energy that I just don't do it. There have been days were I can feel fine until I start talking. I end up with such an energy drain that it can be tough after. I will still talk a lot but afterward I have to rest and recover. That's no fun. 

The last thing I want to say is about my idea that I try to live by. "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." It sounds like a great idea.  I guess there are people that think that I just hold in everything that is disagreeable. Sometimes I do. More often than not I am just listening to things. If people want to think I'm thinking horrible things about them they can if it makes them feel better.  

I think that's about enough.  

Thursday 10 September 2015....feeling better but still tired.

"I know I can be very stubborn and I was that way before. I know that there are plenty of things we won't agree on and I would never expect her to just give anything. But the stroke has exacerbated things that are very hard to explain"-me little over a year ago. 

I am not the same person that I was in many ways. I will attempt to mention some of them. 

I am a very emotional person. I was before my stroke. Now it can be even more so. The other day I bawled and bawled. I had my reasons but once I started I had a really hard time stopping. Maybe that's normal. I'm not sure. If one emotion grabs me I'm basically stuck with it for a while. I can see how sertian kinds of behavior would work better at times. I guess you could say I get stuck in a rut and I can't get out. 

I am a very independent person. I like to do things for myself. I try all kinds of things. Some I can do others I can't. As much as I hate to ask for help sometimes I need to. I have had occasion that I have been left to do something myself. It is so frustrating when I figure out I can't do something. I try to do some leg lifts an that is very tough but I thought it would be easier. 

I don't like staying in bed. I do more these days. It is such a chore getting up some days that I think I might as well stay up. I have to get up like everyone. The thing is I can get so sore laying down and I have to sit up in my chair. 

I realize that there are really so many areas that can be different in some way for me. Life is really different for me. The thing is I thought I had it all figured out and then all the rules changed. 

Monday 31 August 2015......please stay tuned.

So tired of being sick. It is no fun. I am getting over my pneumonia. I am still really tired but feeling better. I have been watching a lot of TV. I try to find something I can tolerate watching. That is hard for me. I get so sick of watching TV. When I am not feeling well I cannot do much else. I can but it is very hard. 

I have been trying to figure out lots of different things. I am not sure how I will get everything done, but that's life I guess. 

Thursday 27 August 2015......one more time.

So I decided to go to the emergency room. I have been feeling kind of crumby recently. I guess I could just die and I wouldn't have to cause some people anymore misery. Just in case you didn't get it that was sarcasm. I wouldn't want to die because then I wouldn't be around to annoy other people. Just in case you need to know that was sarcasm also. I'm full of them. Or am I full of it. Probably both. 

I will say so everyone knows again. I don't talk nearly as much as I used to. I used to talk insensately before my stroke. Since my stroke I have discovered the joy of not saying anything. I have discovered this an amazing way to learn things. Listening. I know it is a difficult concept for some people to grasp but it involves not saying anything. 

A few quotes I appreciate, "it's better to let people think you a fool than to open your mouth and prove them right."  "If people were supposed to talk more than they listen we would have been born with two mouths and one ear."  I am sure there are countless more. The short version of the long story is this, I don't talk as much as I used to. Partly I can't. It takes so much energy to talk that it is a real chore. Another thing, talking while I am eating can make me choke. Mealtime conversation can be great. Please don't include me. I am funny I know but I enjoy and like living. 

I went to the emergency room Monday. I was there for 6 hours. Not my idea of a good time. To make a long story short,  I have pneumonia. It is really no fun. I last had it that I remember over 20 years ago in Brazil. It was less fun then. Not that it's fun now. I have really felt tired. Nothing new. But I really want to do nothing. 

Thursday, 20 August 2015......can I please sleep now?

I am so tired and worn out right now. I have been traveling and it can be so taxing on me. 

This one saying that I am rather found of has proven itself more accurate lately. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  I say that for many reasons. People say they do something for me, they don't mean anything bad by what they do. After they "help" it can quite often be more difficult for me in some manner. Not that I don't appreciate real help. I guess the question to ask is are you doing something for me or for yourself. That can be a very difficult question to ask yourself and answer some days. Is it really going to help? 

So I get tired easily. 

The other thing is I had a stroke. It's hard to believe I know. 

There are people who have ask me if I would like to continue my career as a Social Worker. I would have to say yes but it wouldn't be a good idea. Sure I could hire someone to help me type. There is even software that could help me type and I could use that. Beside the point. Social Work is a very emotionally charged field. I would not be a good Social Worker now because I am to emotional a person. I have to keep myself on the non emotional side of everything or most people will think there is just another crazy guy in a wheelchair. The reason someone sees a Social Worker is to help remove emotion from the equation in a nice way. I couldn't do that now. I am much to blunt. 

Whether we want to admit it or not we as humans are very emotional creatures. I will grant that some of us are more "logical" than others. Whether we want to admit it or not we are ruled by our emotions. We are not nearly as logical as we would like to think we are. 

I have unfortunately had to take things to such an extreme that there are times that I want to cry but I can't. It can really be a pain in the butt when you want to cry but the tears won't come. It is also a pain when you start crying and you can't seem to turn it off. 

There is this movie called "Adam". The main character is autistic in such a way that emotions are almost an afterthought in his life. In many ways I have to do my best to put all my emotions aside on purpose. Not that I do but I try. 

Thursday 13 August 2014.......good afternoon.

So I did some impromptu traveling. Not something I think I will do again. Flying in a plane and then riding a bus after spending the night in a bus station is not my idea of a good time. I spent the night in the bus station when I was twenty. I was in Brazil and it was miserable then too. So I don't think I will do it again. 

I am the type of person that can like things to be very regimented because I'm in a wheelchair. My natural inclination is to fly by the seat of my pants. I was talking to my brother and he was kind of upset with me it seemed.   I guess he had the thought that I would expect him or one of my other brothers or sisters to drop everything and help me just because I am in a wheelchair. My thought is this. I will ask people for help. If you can great. If you can't, that happens to. I would hope you don't feel bad if you can't help, but if it makes you feel better go ahead.

So what to do?

I get so tired of so many things and life is very complex.  

Wednesday, 12 August 2015....did you really read the title of this blog. If I were dead I'd tell you.

So I went to my family reunion. It was lots of fun. My grandmas family was in charge of doing things. I will admit that I hate not being able to help. I can do a very good job of getting in the way. So if you feel like you need some assistance with someone getting in the way I would be glad to help with that. 

It has been a lot of fun to see everyone. It is kind of odd because we all seem to be getting older.   Not sure how that keeps happening but maybe it will stop. That last sentence was meant to be sarcastic. 

I am not sure I like the way everyone thinks I am such an anomaly and so special. I know I am but I am not sure I like how some people make such a big deal. If you were to look on the internet and look up "locked-in-syndrome" you will mostly see persons that can do a lot less than I can. If you want to see a movie about my diagnosis "The diving bell and the butterfly." Is a good example. My mom said it made her feel claustrophobic. If you want to watch it have fun.  I am getting better at accepting some complements and other praise they feel they have to throw at me. In many ways I am just a normal guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time. I just do it a lot slower than most people. 

We stayed at a motel a little ways away from my reunion. There are others but they were built before ADA was the rule. If any changes have been made they were cosmetic. No structural changes, so no need for them to do anything major. 

One thing that I am not very good at doing is letting other people do things I feel I should or can do myself. I will try to do something myself. If it is something I can do myself great. At times I can't do something and I have to ask for help. Then there are the times that I have been able to do something and for whatever reason I can't do it again.  I look at some of the things I have done and I wonder how I was able to do it?  I guess I had enough tenacity that I was able to do it. I remember that I had to cut my toenails when I was in the hospital. I asked and the people seemed to be passing the buck and doing their best to avoid the subject. Somehow I took off my shoes and socks and cut my toenails. Then I put my shoes and socks back on. How I was able to do it all I have no idea. I did it but I really don't know how. I feel that way about many things I have done. I think I must have had a real big desire to do some of the things done.

The thing is I can do a lot of things but some things are so time consuming that I really hate how long it takes me. There are some people that get tired of how long it takes me to do things and they offer to do something because they can do it faster. There are the people that don't offer help for whatever reason. I am not sure I know how to feel about either. 

 

Friday 31 July 2015.....on vacation.

On vacation. On holiday. 

Friday 17 July 2015.....heres to new beginnings.

So I have been thinking for a long time. I know that is hard to believe for some people but hopefully you will get passed all that. 

We have lots of muscles in our body that we don't think about. Some are very obvious because we see them despite our skin.  There are lots that we never think about. For example everyone has to pee. We hold it as long as we can at times. The fact is our body is full of muscles that we don't think about. I have had to build my strength in all my muscles and that can really be a pain. 

The simple fact is I am what you could say is messed up. I am an emotional mess some days.  I am far from "normal". 

My emotions are a real pain. I hate having to be "stone faced" most of the time. I can have and do have all the same emotions as anyone. I really have to keep myself on a tight leash some days. I can laugh uncontrollably. I can cry uncontrollably. I can get angry uncontrollably. All emotions can be a real problem for me. It can be a real problem for others as well and if others have have a problem then I have more. It is really is a pain for me. Those people that knew me before my stroke knew me as a person that relied on my emotions a lot. I cant use emotions like I once did. 

I really hate the way this stroke has changed so many things for me. But I guess that is the one constant, change. 

I want to say a little about and to family now. 

Marcy, my wife, I love you more than anything. You are the greatest person in my life. I am so incredibly blessed and lucky to have you in my life. I wish I could do more for you. I love you more than anything and life would be worthless without you. 

My 16 year old step-son. You are amazingly smart. I always thought I was smart but I bow to the real smart man. We will always fight for you. 

My 13 year old stepson. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen. You support your mom so much and are a very hard worker. 

My 2 year old stepson. You are so cute and have so much potential. Your mom and I want everything good for you. 

My 13 year old son. You will always be my big dude. You are so amazing. 

My 10 year old son. You are the definition of smart. I am truly amazed at everything you do. 

My 8 year old son.  You are the definition of you. You are a true original in every way. 

My 5 year old daughter. You are my warrior princess. The only person tougher than your brothers is you. 

I am sure I could say more but I stop there. 

Wednesday 15 July 2015......hm.

I have several things to say. Some good and some not as pleasant. 

First, I would have to say I am very unimpressed with the customer service with Vivint, the home security company. I have been trying to remove my name from the account that was attached to my former house for a year. The final straw was the fact I had made a payment to close the account. I received a bill in the mail. I called and was told that if I wanted to close the account I needed to pay off the account. Since I had already done this and the deduction was showing through my bank I was very upset. I am less than impressed with the customer service with the company. I do have to say it is a very good product and service that is provided. Since I had to work so hard to get out of a contract because of my divorce I am less than impressed with the company. I know people that work for the company and they are very wonderful people. I am less than impressed with the help I have received on the telephone over the last year. 

Next I have been taking some pills and supplements for a while. And they help a lot. I have never been a fan of the idea of supplements. Prescribed pills I have always thought were ok. My wife has helped me to rethink things. I am very grateful for her knowledge and insights. Maybe I will get smart if I listen to her. 

The first supplement that she found for me is amazing. It is approved by the equivalent of the FDA in several countries. It is an naturally occurring substance. I ran out of the pills for a few days and life was very miserable without until they got to me. 

The other supplement is amazing also. If I don't take it I have very low energy. It is naturally occurring and at one time I thought I could eat the naturally occurring food that have the substance. 19,000 almonds a day is ludicrous. My wife helped me to see that. 

I an not as nearly convinced as I used to be. I'm no dummy, but I'm not as bad as I was. Now I have all new stupidities to overcome. I am very grateful my wife isn't afraid to point out the error of my ways. Thank you honey. 

The final thing I have to say is about my mother. I have decided that I will live by the idea, "if you can't say anything nice. Don't say anything at all."  Maybe that is to simple for some people. I have this thing I like simple because it is not complicated. There are a few people that I have discovered I can not talk to because I have such an emotional response. Unfortunately my mother is one of them. I need to let the whole world know that she is great. After I had my stroke she came from Utah to Texas to visit me multiple times while I was in the hospital. She and her husband moved to Texas to support me and complete a mission for our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Mormon church. I stayed with them at there apartment for a year and I am very grateful for the help that I have received from them in so many ways. 

People my think that me choosing not to talk shows I don't like them. I would rather people think of it as a kindness. I really do not want to be thought of as the angry guy in the wheelchair. People will think what they want. That is life.  

Thursday 9 July 2015.....so.

I know this may come as a surprise to some people. I had a stroke. I am in a wheelchair. I can't reach very far or lift very much. I wish someone would have told me before now. I would have played the sympathy card and maybe it would have worked. I wish someone would tell me these things. 

In case you couldn't tell that last paragraph was meant to be sarcastic. 

The fact is I had a stroke. There is nothing that can reverse that fact. Do I wish it hadn't happened?  Of course. The simple fact is I have an amazing life. I could complain about life all day but what good would that do. People would probably say there's just another angry guy in a wheelchair. What good would that do?

To start I have the most amazing wife that there could ever be. In one word Wow. She is definitely one of a kind. I love you Marcy and want to keep you always. 

We have some amazing kids. They can all be so fun and they are great. 

Our families are a lot of fun. I would say I have got to be the the most boring person in my family or my wife's. Nieces and nephews are all so much fun and keep us all in line. 

I love San Antonio were I live now. I love Utah were I am from, my wife is, and where most of our family are. 

I love working with the Cub Scouts and hope I can do some good with that. 

There is so much that I could say because life and the Lord are so good. 

I could be angry about so many things. Just because I do not talk is not a reason to think that I am mad. You can think whatever you want. I go by the thought from the movie "Bambi". If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. I have tried to stay "calm" on several occasions and while I know and even practice what I would like to say. Then everything can go out the window and I can act like the biggest idiot ever. If you want to argue with me when I'm in that state of mind you can but what does that say about you?  

On a different note. I have a lot of stuff and if you want to come over and get anything you are welcome to. My thought is that if someone isn't using it, its not being loved properly. I have no way to use things. I need to find sewing machine pedals to give to my sitter but everything else is up for grabs. Let me know if you want to look or want something. I have set aside everything I want or intend for someone else.                                

Monday 6 July 2015......that's my life.

I really don't like a lot about my life right now. It can be so hard to do something's that life is a lot less fun. 

I went to the fitness center at my apartment. (About time I got of my lazy butt.) It is very hard to get my chair around and impossible for me to make adjustments on the equipment. 

I have been trying to pick up this towel that I use to stop water from getting all over the floor of the bathroom when I shower. I think it has been hurting my back to pick it up. And having a hurt back can make everything unfun. 

I moved some books that were needing moving. It took me a long time. Everything can take me a long time. 

I unlocked the door for my apartment. That can take me a lot longer than I would like. 

I mostly use my tablet computer. Using the desktop or laptop is ridiculously slow. I avoid it as much as I can. 

Keeping my table or counter "straight" is almost impossible. Once things are organized I try not to touch anything. 

If I have to take any kind of papers somewhere, I try to make sure I have a folder. I have a backpack I carry with me so anything important won't get messed up. 

I have several boxes that need moved. I can push some with my chair but that might damage what's inside the box. 

If I have to go to the bank, if I'm lucky I someone can drive me. Lots of times I just go in my chair. I bought an orange shirt that can make me more visible.

If I go somewhere that doesn't have a handicap accessible bathroom my wife convinced me that I need to just wait for her and she will help me. If I don't wait I will most likely break something. Very uncool. 

I have lots that is very difficult about my life. Not that I have a bad life or anything. I have a very good life. The best thing about it is Marcy, my wife. She is amazing in so many ways. I have wonderful children and step-children. If you want me to run you over with my chair just do something against them. There are so many people that are so important to me. 

Thursday 2 July 2015...the real independence day. Check your history.

This has been a very wild week. My boys had Cub Scout Day camp and that was a lot of fun. I have to be a little more careful how my boys hang things on my chair. I accidentally drug one there backpacks and ran it over before I noticed what I had done. So since they would be going on a nature hike. I went to get new backpacks. The back packs have a hydration system and the boys seem realły excited to drink water and stay hydrated. 

While I have been here a lady ask me if I would like to be on staff for Woodbadge, the adult leader course. Very flattering. The thing is I can do get so tired that the idea scares me.  

I have been ask to do other things and invited to do other things. I get so tired that I want to bawl.

Trying to get around here is very tricky at times. There is one station that I impossible for me to get to. 

I had to take one day before I felt I could do anything. There is a lot that I want to do but it can be truly impossible for me. Not just because I can't walk well. I can get so tired that it is really hard, and sometimes impossible to do things. Like it's been said "sleep can make cowards of us all." I can really lose a lot of control of myself when I get tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I get beyond irrational as I get worn down. Some people say I do things and forget. All I can say is maybe. Everyone forgets things. 

Tuesday, 23 June 2015....wow.

This has been an exhausting series of days. I get so tired, by the time I get myself dressed that I really don't want to do anything else. I do, but I really don't want to. It seems like I go about doing things I have almost no energy to do. I really think that life sucks somedays. Not that my life is bad by any means. I have a very good life in many ways. Who wouldn't want to be able to sit around and watch TV most of the days. That looses its appeal after one day. It is to easy to get sucked into the idea that you have to watch something. TV is nice but has to much crap. 

I am at Cub Scout day camp with my sons.  It is very interesting to do so many different things with them. At times I think some people treat it to much like junior military. Go figure since we live in San Antonio. I saw people working on Woodbadge, a Boy Scout adult leaders course. I did it before my stroke. I made lots of great friends. But it is my time to spend with my kids now. I enjoy scouts with them.  I think that I need to write a letter about how some things at this place are not the most handicap friendly. In name and functionality are two very different things. 

My life can really be a pain. Trying to go places in my chair can be a painfully slow process at times. I am willing to try almost anything once. If it works  I might try it again. 

Monday 15 June 2015......hmmm.

I have got to stop thinking because I get myself into all kinds of trouble when I think to much. 

I went to the store the other day because I needed a blender. Easy. I thought it would be to. I went across the street easy enough. I got a blender and a popcorn popper. The popper was easy enough to hang on the hook I have on the beck of my chair. The blender box didn't fit in a bag at the store. The were nice enough to put some disposable handles the have on it and away I went.  I had to go down hill for a short distance and I thought I might tip forward. I don't think I have ever gone so slow in my chair on purpose. Falling out of my chair is not as fun as you might think. I did make it back to my apartment and will be very glad when my wife finishes her business and gets here. 

I can't tell you enough about her. She is amazing. She has had to be super hard working mama. She works for an oil field company and is a wizard at all kinds of math. When we were in high school she did a lot of dance. She doesn't do quite as much now but she has three boys and she has been the sole breadwinner for a long time now. She may think she isn't perfect and amazing but she is. All I can say is that her being my wife makes me the luckiest man alive. It my sound cliche, it's all true. 

Friday 12 June 2015......just thinking. Yea I gotta stop.

I have been reflecting. I had a stroke on the left side of my brian. That is the side of your brain that is which deals with more logic and reason. The right side of the brain is more used for emotions. Now I can be very logical. In fact I could most likely run logic circles around many people. The thing is the right side of my brian is fine. It is the more emotional side. The right side of my brain probably overwhelms the left side and it is very easy for me to get emotional. I can get so emotional that I hate what I can do sometimes. It's like I know very well what is proper but the emotional part of my brain takes control of the situation. I can be very calm and logical but that means I have to remain very stone faced most of the time. So there are times that I am very expressionless. That doesn't mean that I am not having fun. 

I can cry uncontrollably. I can laugh uncontrollably. My emotions are a mess. 

There are days when it really sucks to be me. 

I have thought that if I had had my stroke to much earlier in the over all time line I probably would not have survived. I'm not sure exactly what the time frame would be. I am pretty sure there would have been a time that in the early stages of my stroke that I would be left for dead. Not that I want to be dead but that's a different story.